I'll Shine For You
by canyouplaypretend
Summary: Carly's fresh out of recovery and ready to start her life over. But what happens when everything she's worked so hard to forget comes back to destroy her? :: sequel to Let's Play Pretend :: the dark sides of anorexia
1. Brand New You

**The sequel's up!**

**If you're new and just reading this story – it's the sequel to my other story **_**Let's Play Pretend.**_** You don't necessarily need to read the other one to understand this one but you can read it to get a better understanding of this one.**

**And it's here :] So begin reading!**

_You are what you eat_

_-Anonymous Quote_

_anorexia is a parasite…__**not**__ your friend._

I repeated my _n:e:w_ mantra in my head and breathed out recovery.

After spending three weeks – _[15 lbs] – _in **hell**New Seasons, I was taught _n:e:w_ mantras and _n:e:w _food plans. I met _n:e:w_ nurses, _n:e:w _**shrinks**therapists, _n:e:w_ f r i e n d s.

Except they weren't really my friends. They were stuck in the dark, lost in the prettyshiningbright lights of anorexia, playing _hide the food!_ and _pinch the flab on the fattest!_. My real friends flew away from me while I was stuck in quicksand, _lying_ just to protect _us…_

**No**. I will **not** think about _her_. She was the reason I was here. _She_ was the reason I almost _d.i.e.d_ that day at _samanthapucket's_ funeral.

_[there's a reason her game's called __ana__rexia.]_

_She_ was the reason sampuckett d.i.e.d. If I hadn't been so s:c:a:r:e:d of her, I would have found help _sooner_. I would have _saved_ sampuckett+carlyshay=BFF'S life and she would be here with me

_and freddie._

Freddie Benson was getting…._better._ **[better : improved in health: healthier than before] **He _actually came_ to the therapy sessions [although he didn't _speak_], he _talked_ to more people [if "yes", "no", and "I don't care"'s count], and he didn't go to her grave every daydayday like obsessed boyfriends with d.e.a.d girlfriends do.

_but wouldn't they be __**ex-**__girlfriends?_

_no. they never broke up._

_but she's –_

_don't say it!_

It was Freddie Benson who was the least of my worries actually. It was _Spencer+Angie+Gibby= The Make-Carly Fat Team_ [TMCFT] who **threatened**_bothered_ me.

Recovering from the dark days made my days shine brighter but the lights kept flickering _on, off, on, off, on, off, on, off_ because the stupid TMCFT were c.o.n.s.t.a.n.t.l.y on my back.

"_What did you eat for breakfast Carly?"_

"_I had a bowl of Cheerios –"_

"_That isn't a full serving! Go eat the waffles I made! They're really good!"_

**-Angelina Harris.**

"_Hey Carly. Want some dinner?"_

"_Oh I just ate –"_

"_What did you eat?"_

"_I had some pizza –"_

"_Where's the box?"_

"_In the recycling –"_

"_You need ice cream."_

**-Spencer Shay.**

"_Carly-Car! Wanna go get burgers or something?"_

"_My stomach hurts, Gibs –"_

"_How about some French Fries?"_

"_Those are __greasy__ –"_

"_You shouldn't be worrying about calories you know!"_

"_I'm not! My stomach hurts and I don't want all the grease!"_

"…_Oh. Then how about some pizza?"_

**-Gibby Cornelius Gibson**.

I do eat now though. I don't l i e anymore. I lick the frosting off of red velvet cupcakes, I swallow down the salty taste of pretzels, I slurp the intoxicating sips of Pepsi, I chew:bite:swallow:chew:bite:swallow instead of hide:lie:pretend:hide:lie:pretend.

_[i can feel the calories creating layers of fat-]_

I'm **not** allowed to think those thoughts anymore. I'm supposed to think- _recovery! love! food! happiness! __perfection__!_

Perfect people don't lie about eating. Perfect people don't l i e. Perfect people _most definitely_ don't talk to people who emotionally abuse them and trap them in the deadliest game a person could ever play.

_(perfect people don't let themselves be influenced by __ana__)_

So I try to keep positive thoughts : gaining weight is _fun_, exercising 24/7 is _exhausting,_ hanging out with friends and actually eating is a _good_ thing.

I've also been thinking lately about another positive thing. H o w e v e r my therapist isn't exactly sure it'll _escalate _to better recovery but she isn't against it. I'm a little nervous though – being in front of cameras might be like a mirror : always lying, always trying.

But I'm _willing_. I'm _willing_ to remember samanthapuckett in a positive way by continuing our memories on screen.

I'm _willing _to continue iCarly.

I rummaged around my purse for my keys as I walked up to the door. I just got back from the therapist and I was _psyched:nervous:exhilarated_ to tell everybody my decision. I heard the music of keys rustling around and I quickly pulled them out.

My key was barely in the door when I heard the door behind me open and close. I turned around to face Freddie and immediately the air became _a w k w a r d._

"Oh hey there, Freddie," I said a:l:m:o:s:t timidly.

He nodded his head. "You said you wanted to share something with us?"

"Right – come inside," I invited him as I finally opened the door.

We walked inside to find Gibby and Spencer sitting on the couch, their eyes tangled in the knots the television bound them in. Angie was in the kitchen pouring glasses of lemonade.

"Hi Carly, Freddie!" Angie chirped as she put the lemonade away. "How was your day?"

"What's the news?" Spencer and Gibby asked in a robotic tone while Freddie just sounded b o r e d.

_[he never sounded bored when you spoke to him before]_

"I've been thinking lately and it's a really big decision my therapist says," I start, stalling a bit.

I don't know why I'm nervous – this is _my_ webshow, right?

_[sam's dead and gone. dead and gone.]_

"Why is it a big decision?" Spencer asked, helping time slow down.

"Because it involves my self-image and she believes I need to be totally comfortable with the way I look before I actually, well I put my plan in action." I explained.

"What's your plan?" Freddie just wanted to run out the door and never see my puppy brown eyes and twisty brown curls again.

_[they weren't the right ocean blue or flowy blonde]_

"I want…to continue…iCarly." I said slowly.

The room went s i l e n t and the crickets began to chirp in the backgrounds of my mind.

It stayed this a w k w a r d way until Gibby spoke up.

"I think it's a great idea." Gibby said looking around at everybody.

"I don't!" Freddie suddenly jumped in the flames of the fire.

"It's a bad idea," Gibby jumped in with Freddie.

"Why? I think it could really boost your self-confidence again when you remember how much your fans loved you … and were happy." Angie piped up.

she almost said you _guys_. she stopped herself in TIME.

"It's a fabulous idea," Gibby returned.

"Gibby!" We all snapped.

"_Sam_ was your co-star." Freddie pointed out bitterly. "Who are you to _replace_ her with?"

"You." Someone said.

_[you learned a few nano-seconds later it was __you__]_

"Me?" Freddie asked like the word had a bitter taste on his tongue.

"You're the technical producer, yes, but you're also the best one for the job." I improved. "You've been with us from the start. You know everything – how it's supposed to go, what we're supposed to say. You're the one for it, Freddie."

I didn't hesitate to include Sam when I spoke. I knew she wanted me to.

Freddie stayed silent so Spencer chose that moment to talk. "iCarly was something you all loved. Maybe it would help you all move on."

When did Spencer became so grown up?

_[about the same time you realized what a fat, ugly-_

_**[no i don't think those thoughts anymore. i think healthy, beautiful –**_

_[who told you that? you're therapist?]_

"Move on?" Freddie snapped like a twig. "We're just supposed to stomp around and be all happy because we're _alive_ and Sam's dead? We're just supposed to forget her and shine the lights on Carly because Carly _survived_?"

his words stung like a bee but they were true – _(at least he hasn't told it was __you__ all along who killed her)_

"Freddie-" Spencer cut in, trying to control the both of them.

"This won't work." Freddie left all his words floating in the air around us and trapping us in tight spaces. He turned on his heel and slammed the door **shutshutshut**.

Gibby stood up and patted my shoulder. "It's going to be okay, Carly. Freddie's just…getting used to her being … gone."

when did Gibby learn to say the right words?

"It's _never_ going to be okay because he wishes … that she didn't die."

_; because he wishes that __**I **__died and __**Sam**__ lived._

"I'll go calm him down. He probably just needs some company," Gibby said before giving me a small hug. He left too but the door didn't slam **shutshutshut**.

_i need company too…_

"Hey Spencer –can you drive me to the Art Museum? I have a meeting with my boss." Angie asked.

_Translation : let's go make-out somewhere and forget Carly exists._

"Sure. You okay with staying here, kiddo?" Spencer asked as he grabbed his keys and picked up his jean jacket.

"Yeah I'm fine," I smiled and _lied._

**[I'm not supposed to lie, I'm not supposed to lie, I'm not supposed to lie, I'm not supposed to lie, I'm not supposed to lie, I'm not supposed to lie, I'm not supposed to lie, I'm not supposed to lie]**

Spencer smiled and patted my hair before giving me a quick butterfly kiss on my head. Angie squeezed my shoulders with her bony hands as they left the apartment.

and i was all alone _again_.

"_Not really, Carly-kins._"

Oh.

My.

God.

"_Miss me?"_

**oooooooohhhh.**

**suspenseful enough? who do you think it is?**


	2. I Won't Let You Hide Away

**The award for slowest update goes to : ****BlondeMascaraPrincess****.**

**I'm sorry! I've been so busy these past weeks – I almost **_**forgot **_**that I wrote the sequel! But thanks to your lovely reviews :) I told myself to stay up tonight and finish this chapter! I know it's a little short but I promise I've already started the third one so it'll be up quicker!**

**Ready for the next chapter?**

_I can be tough_

_I can be strong_

_But with you_

_It's not like that at all_

_-Avril Lavigne __**Wish You Were Here**_

"_Sam_?" I whirled around like a crazy tornado.

"_Hey Carls,_" My **dead** best friend said as if that was as normal as the sky being blue. My **dead** best friend who was buried under the ground – **dead** – and who's **death** Freddie was b i t t e r for.

"_Oh he'll come around to you again,_" Sam said, reading my thoughts like an open book on my pale exterior, "_He's just…getting used to all this."_

_when am __**i **__going to get used to all this?_

I reached out my hand. "What…what are you doing?"

Sam stared at my out-stretched hand and gave me a weird look. _"What am I doing? What are __you__ doing?"_ She swatted my hand.

"No I man…what are you doing _here_?" I asked shaking my head, as if the ghostly girl with blonde curls and ocean blue eyes would disappear and the world would start spinning again.

"_I'm here to see you!"_ Sam said as if that were the most obvious thing in the world. _"My little, or should I say "healthy", Carly-kins has changed since I've died –"_

I had eaten 1082 calories today of cereal and milk, toasted turkey sandwiches and three chocolate chip cookies so I had no reason to feel dizzy.

**But** I think the thought of seeing your **dead** _bestfriendfor__**n**__ever_ sit on your couch and say openly she was **dead** – would make _a:n:y:b:o:d:y_ faint.

* * *

><p>"Carly? Thank God – she's awake!" The bells of Gibby's voice went <em>ringringring<em> in my aching head.

I opened my eyes and took in the scene_ like Sam used to take in ribs and large ham sandwiches_ –

**Sam.**

_[where was she?]_

I looked around the room of white walls and empty promises and the faces of people I knew – Scared Spencer, Annoyed Angie, Gaping Gibby, Distracted Doctor, Nerdy Nurse, Furious Freddie – _but no Sam_.

Was she even r e a l l y here like the sun, the stars, the moon?

"Where am I?" I asked, trying to make conversation in the silent room. I knew where I was.

_i've been here too much_.

"You're at the hospital, Miss Shay." Distracted Doctor sighed while writing on his clipboard. "And I some questions for you to answer."

He looked at TMCFT and Freddie and nodded his head out the door. It was a tie between Gibby and Spencer to leave last but a _closecloserclosest_ tie between Angie and Freddie to leave first.

"It doesn't appear you have a concussion, Miss Shay." The doctor announced. "But it's recorded on your personal files that you've had a previous case of anorexia?"

I nodded but shook my head. "I ate today – I promise. 1082 calories. You can look at my chart. You can call my therapist!"

_carly shay needs a new start._

I handed the doctor my calories sheet and pulled my therapist's business card out of my jeans pocket.

"I didn't faint because I was starving, I swear. I..tripped over the table leg in my living room and I fell on my head." I rep_lied_.

_carly shay needs a new heart._

I shouldn't be l y i n g. L y i n g is badbadbad. It makes the doctors and therapists and **shrinks** madmadmad.

But how do you tell a doctor that your best friend d.i.e.d and came back to tell you you're fat?

The doctor looked at me quizzically. He stared at the card and sighed. "I believe you ate and aren't lying. Your stress levels are high however. That doesn't mean you didn't eat, it means something stressful might have happened recently…"

I gave him an _"are you serious_" look. "My be**st** f**r**i**e**nd died three week**s** and two day**s** ago. Doesn't that spell _stress_ in itself?"

The doctor raised his eyebrow and waved his hand at the nurse who began writing on her clipboard. "I supposed that would increase stress levels but why all of a sudden? Did you just remember her? Did you-"

"I'm sorry to interrupt doctor, but it's hard talking about her _again_. I just came back from my therapist a couple hours ago – I'm really done talking." I cut him off with my sharpest scissors and the conversation went _snip. snip. snip._

The doctor nodded. "Of course, Miss Shay. I'm sorry about your loss. Excuse us for a second while we talk to your guardians and report to them. Please rest."

The two medical workers left the room and I was alone.

_again_.

But this time **for real.** There were no ghosts with wavy blonde hair and beautiful blue eyes. They couldn't make my straight brown hair and chocolate brown eyes look _boring_ anymore. They couldn't haunt me.

_i was safe._

Until something dawned on me.

I had one guardian. **Not** guardian_s_.

_(Angie is not Pig Latin for Mommy)_

Maybe I was overreacting. Maybe the doctor just concluded that since Angie and Spencer were making starry eyes and rainbows and holding hands they were married and therefore _both_ my guardians.

Maybe I was just **s t r e s s i n g** out for no reason.

I was calming myself down and singing sweet nothings when the doctor came back in with Spencer and Angie and I noticed something _slightly_ annoying.

_(not even slightly annoying – __**extremely terrible**__)_

"The doctor told us about your stress levels and how Sam's…might still be affecting you," Spencer started to say. Unlike me – he managed to swim out of the deep end just in time.

"Which is why we're enrolling you in boarding school." Angie's peppy tone just right but her words _completely wrong_.

_which is why __**we're**__ enrolling you in __**boarding school.**_

Those three words played on repeat in my head – the playlist never ending.

_boarding school?_

_we're?_

Since when did Angie make decisions for me and _since when_ did **boarding school** ever become apart of the multiple choice answers?

I stared _closecloserclosest _at Angie's hand and found my eyes b l i n d e d.

_that's prettier than __**mommy's**__ diamond ring…_

"Excuse me?" I raised my eyebrows as if I were playing **Mommy** this time and Spencer and Angie were in **big**_big_big trouble.

_all my life I've been good but now_

"Spencer and I are getting married, Carly. He just proposed! And now – _we_ make the decisions." She **smirked**smiled the most enticing smile I've ever seen, full of _beauty_ and _cruelty_.

_I'm thinking_

"What the hell?"

**Was that worth the wait? I hope so!**

**If it's not clear – I **_**adore**_** Avril Lavigne. **

**P.S – do any of you have Twitters? I do! Follow me at : AddiejCarson and I'll start tweeting chapter updates :)**


	3. The Monsters We Forgot

**Oh dear…I'm so sorry for this late update :/ School hates me :( But I hope this chapter was worth it – I've only rewritten it 90 times.**

_And all of the memories so close to me just fade away_

_All this time you were pretending_

_So much for my happy ending_

_Avril Lavigne__** My Happy Ending**_

"_Boarding school? Marriage_? Are you freaking out of your _mind_?" I yelled, jumping off the bed like Spiderman's understudy.

_; the beeps from the machine started beating faster_

"Carly –" Angie tried to stick her skinny butt in the _itsybitsyteenieweenie_ cracks of my life but I pushed her out before she crushed my walls down.

"No don't _Carly_ me!" I yelled even louder. Freddie and Gibby began peeping in the room. "You can only _Carly_ me so many times until you actually mean it!

_; i don't even make sense anymore._

"Please listen Carly…" Spencer put his calloused and worn out hands on my **chubby**recovering arms. "This is for the best –"

"_Who's_ best? What were you possibly thinking - ….oh I get it," I pulled away from his grip. "I get it now,"

"Get it?" Angie asked quietly.

"You're getting married. You're beginning a whole n:e:w life. You're starting fresh," I rea**li**z**e**d. "You're starting fresh…and you don't want **me**_**.**_**"**

_(realize….real lies.)_

"Carly please don't be dramatic –"

"At a time like _this_ – you think I'm trying to be dramatic? You're sending me off to fucking boarding school and I can't be dramatic?" I yelled louder beginning to pace in circles of frustration and emotion.

No. It's not _fair_. They just want me to break down and send me back to **hell**New Seasons. They're working up my emotions, trying to get to me – but I can't let them through my brick door.

"Doctor, could we please have a minute alone?" Spencer turned to the doctor, who was already halfway out the door. Boy 1 and Boy 2 had already retreated to the safety of the germ infested hallways.

"Carly let me finish a sentence," Angie said softly, her hand touching my shoulder. "We think boarding school is best for you because you can be away from Seattle where you might not be able to move on. You have a full life ahead of you – we want you to experience the best of it."

_why does she have to make so much __sense__?_

I sighed. "But I wanna stay here. In Seattle. I'm tired of people trying to move me around – I'm _fine_. I'm over 100 pounds and I'm eating again – isn't that _enough_?"

Spencer and Angie exchanged looks.

"Your therapist suggested this would help in your recovery," Spencer explained. "She says you need to move on and we agree. It's for the best, Carly, only the best."

_PearPhone – Calendar._

_Calendar – Add event._

_Event Title : __**Murder Therapist**__._

* * *

><p>"They're not shipping you away."<p>

Gibby and I sat in the park, on the swing sets in the fading sun. Freddie dropped us off silently as he continued home. He didn't breathe a word or hope in the car ride and made some excuse about needing to check on his mother. I told Gibby about what went on the hospital room and he was quiet.

"They're not shipping you away," he repeated just as softly. "They're just….shipping you away."

I curled my legs up against my chest and nearly choked on my freshly moist mouth. The **monster**healthy rolls of fat jumbled into two layers and my chest leaned down on them like a rock on the Earth. I quickly uncurled my legs.

**(I am 1012 calories of Carly and Life. I am healthy.)**

"Therapists are stupid." I concluded beginning to swing my legs and push me higher…higher…higher.

"Therapists should get jobs." Gibby said lightly beginning to swing his legs too,

I laughed just as light. The tension between us was growing heavier with each break we took.

"Where are they sending you?" Gibby asked after a couple silent** years**minutes.

"I don't know yet," I sighed as I floated with the wind. "I think it's out of Seattle though. They think it's best to move out of Seattle so I can _move on_."

Gibby was s i l e n t..but I h e a r d his thoughts.

_why'd you have to be anorexic?_

_why'd sam have to die of bulimia?_

Was _Cibby_ even real? Was there really love between us or was it we wanted what _Seddie_ ha**d**?

(oh God..make the hurt **stop**)

I almost opened my mouth and asked Gibby my thoughts but I kept it shut and kept swinging. I knew when it was smart too keep my mouth shutshutshut.

_(How ironic)_

* * *

><p><em>And that's why….I smile<em>

_It's been awhile_

_Since everything –_

"Hey kiddo,"

I stopped singing with Avril to scream and fall back on my bed, on tops of the piles of unsorted clothes.

"Don't scare me like that." I rolled my eyes and turned back to my sorting.

_Does yellow look good on me?_

"I just wanted to see how you were holding up," Spencer awkwardly tried maneuver his way back into my life.

_Nah. Toss it._

"Fine." I muttered, putting my favorite dark washed Hollister jeans into my suitcase. "I'm packing. Happy?"

Spencer sighed. "No.."

"Then why are you sending me away?" I snapped. "I'm _fine_. Aren't we supposed to restart iCarly? Remember that?"

"I do remember,"

"So why do I have to _leave_?" I complained, falling head-first on top of purple shirts and white skinny jeans.

"It's not only you who's leaving," Spencer murmured.

"What?" I asked, picking my head up.

"It's not only you who's leaving," Spencer repeated. "Freddie's going away too."

"Freddie?"

"Mrs. Benson has noticed his change of behavior lately. She thinks he's still hung up on Sam." Spencer explained. "We all are…but she thinks you both are affected the most. She explained this to your therapist, which is why she came up with the idea to have you both sent to boarding school."

"So this didn't happen "coincidentally" after you proposed to Angie?" I asked bitterly.

Spencer sighed again. "No. I proposed to Angie _after_ your therapist made the suggestion. With my baby sister gone, I'm going to need _someone_."

_to fill the holes of a blonde comedian and a brunette protagonist._

"Spencer?" Angie's sweet voice called from downstairs. "I need your opinion on my latest work."

"In a sec," Spencer's lifeless voice called back. "We'll talk later. I promise."

Spencer squeezed my shoulder and left the room.

"Promise is a big word." I whispered to myself.

"_And Carly is a big girl,_" The haunting voice whispered from right behind me.

I clamped my hand over my mouth faster than a cheetah runs across a desert to keep the scream within me. I slowly ….slowly…. turned around to face the person I expected to see.

"_Please_ tell me I'm hallucinating again?" I asked weakly.

"_Why? That'd ruin all the fun!" _Sam whined sitting down on top of my clothes. _"Besides, if you were hallucinating I'd be telling you lies. Like you look pretty in that top."_

I looked down at my shirt. It was my favorite black and white striped crop top with a ruby heart stitched on the lower left side.

_(she __**knows**__knew it was my favorite)_

"I think it looks pretty," I murmured turning to the mirror.

"_I didn't say it wasn't pretty. I said __**you**__." _Sam began ruffling through my tops. _"Try this_."

It was a yellow, sequined, ruffle tank top that made me look fatfatfat.

"Hilarious." I said drily. "And if you aren't a hallucination..why are you here?"

"_You don't want me here?" _Sam asked **innocently** but her eyes asked **dangerously**.

"I didn't say that. I just wanted to know why you keep visiting _me_?" I stepped an inch closer.

"_Because you're my best friend, remember?"_ Sam stood up. _"You're the one who kept __all__ my secrets."_

I knew she was being s:a:r:c:a:s:t:i:c but it was almost e:n:t:i:c:i:n:g to reach out for her hand and bring her back to the world of lights:parties:dreams:wishes.

"I remember…."

"_Besides. Isn't a certain someone going off to boarding school? Don't you want a little company?"_

"Freddie's going to boarding school too."

"_I know."_

"Aren't you going to comfort him?"

"_Why?"_

"He's your boyfriend!"

"_I'm __dead__. Does that still qualify?"_

I tried ohsoveryhard not to think about that topic. I shook my head and changed the subject.

"You're coming with me to boarding school?" I asked her remembering our earlier topic. "How is this working if you're not a hallucination? Ghosts aren't real,"

"_Well I'm a ghost and I'm real."_

as real as pam puckett's new fur coat.

"But ghosts _aren't_ real."

"_Their ghosts aren't real."_ Sam simply said lying back on my bed staring at the ceiling.

"Who's ghosts?" I asked lying down next to her.

Sam didn't speak for a moment. _"Our world didn't die just because I did. Always remember that."_

But behind her sugary-best-friend-coated words I could hear the bitterness of a **dead** girl.


	4. Strolling Down Memory Lane

**This chapter would've been quicker if I didn't get grounded this past week….**

**hope it was worth the wait! **

_Because I've never felt like this before_

_I'm naked…around you_

_Does it show?_

_-Avril Lavigne __**Naked**_

_Sweet Horizons._

_This boarding for growing and confused kids is located in Boston, Massachusetts –_

I threw the pamphlet across the room and it bounced off the mirror and onto the pile of dirty clothes.

_Boston, Massachusetts_?

They were honestly hated me. Didn't they? One simple mistake –

N/o/i/t/w/a/s/m/o/r/e/t/w/o/f/u/c/k/i/n/g/m/i/s/t/a/k/e/s.

-and I need to shipped all the way across the country.

(**pretty please with a cherry on top and raspberries and chocolate cream make the hurt fucking ****stop**)

…..what if I actually _ate_ that?

I stared at all my suitcases and closed my eyes, trying to forget all the simple times and best friends for **n**ever.

"_You know anyone but me would punch ya right in the head."_

"_Which is you're my best friend!"_

"_Good to now. Now why are you mine?"_

"_Because I'm a lovable person!" –_

I don't remember that. I absolutely dontdontdont remember that.

"_I'm not going!"_

"_Oh yes you are! You wanna know why?"_

"_Why?"_

"_Because when you're mother got chicken pox, I helped you rub calamine lotion all over that woman….and those pox were everywhere…"_

"_You're a good friend…"_

I'm not a good friend. I'm a Carly Shay who doesn't know exactly who she is..

"_I'm singing in the rain! Just singing in the rain!"_

"_What are you doing?"_

"_Singing in the rain! What a glorious feelin', I'm happy again!"_

I don't remember that time Sam and I danced in the rain and nearly got sick.

I **don't **remember that time Sam and I declared ourselves best friends.

And I don't remember **Sam Puckett.**

* * *

><p>Oh hell – who on Earth can forget freaking Samantha Puckett?<p>

I thought about this as I stood in the crowded airport of Seattle-Tacoma International Airport. Faces of people who I'd never see again stood out to me – some were blonde, some were Goth, some were orange, some were busty, some were dreamers.

**(none of them were Sam Puckett)**

The skinny ones stood out to me. I wondered if they knew who Ana was. I wondered if Ana played her dirty game with them too.

I wondered if they had to lose their best friends in the entire world to realize it wasn't a game worth playing.

I walked like a z/o/m/b/i/e through security. The stupid alarm rang because of my charm bracelet but other than that, n o t h i n g eventful happened. My suitcase was currently with a hundred other suitcases, w a i t i n g to be packed on the plane. Only my little prettypink tote with my fairypurple camera, phone, journal and magazines would keep me company.

"That's such a pretty sunlight fading over the people at that gate," Angie stopped and murmured. She stared at the orange sunlight peeking in through the windows and setting a glow among the busy passengers.

"You look weird staring at them." I said, not meaning to snap.

Angie snapped out of her gaze and continued walking without a word.

I followed her and Spencer to gate C8 and sat down on an empty seat. I looked at my watch and saw I had ten minutes til I left home and began all over.

_(ten minutes to put Plan Let Carly Stay In Seattle in action)_

"I don't think this a good idea." I started off.

I heard them both sigh under their breaths. "Carly, we've been through this –" Spencer tried to say.

"But what if I go back into my old habits? And there's no one there to stop me this time?" I challenged.

#score.

"It's a boarding school for …. struggling kids. They'll have nurses there to keep an eye on you." Angie explained. She meant to say troubled kids but she had a quick tongue.

_Carly – 1. Angie – 1._

_(nine minutes)_

"But what if I get raped by someone there? The nurses will probably think I'm lying and tell me to go eat a chocolate cake."

_Carly – 2. Angie – 1._

"I'm _positive_ you won't get raped by someone there because it's a female only building."

_Carly – 2. Angie – 2._

_(eight minutes)_

"What if the girls don't like me there and I get beat up and the nurses watch and laugh because the girls are all big and tough and I'm just me?"

_Carly – 2 ½. Angie – 2._

"The nurses won't just sit there and watch you get beat up."

_Carly – 2 ½. Angie – 3._

_(seven minutes)_

"Look Carls – I know you're nervous about going, but think about it. It's only for the best," Spencer tried to comfort me.

"No it's not! How is leaving _everything _and everyone I've ever known behind a good idea?" I had to find a way out of this. I _couldn't_ leave Seattle.

"Because Seattle only holds bad memories for you," Angie cut in sharply, irritated by all the looks from other people, "and you need to let them go. Boston holds a new beginning for you and you need to take it."

I bit back the stronglongwrong urge to scream – "You're _not_ my mom, bitch!" – back in my throat and took a deepdeepdeep breath.

"_You_ don't know what's best for me."

"_I_ know that we just sit back again and let you do whatever you want, whenever you want, however you want, you're going to be in even _more_ trouble than you were." Angie's eyes narrowed dangerously. "_I_ know –"

"- that this is only for the best. And it's not even a full year!" Spencer tried to lighten the mood. "You'll be back for two weeks for Thanksgiving, back for three weeks for Christmas and New Years, and then you have random vacations throughout the year to come visit home. It's barely eight months,"

_(four minutes…tick tock, tick tock)_

"Eight months is eight months too long! What about Freddie? Where's he going?" I didn't breath between words.

"Freddie's going to a boarding school nearby –" Angie started to say.

"He gets to _stay_?"

"- nearby _you_ that's a male only building." Angie finished.

_(t__**h**__r__**e**__e __**m**__i__**n**__u__**t**__e__**s**__)_

"What about Gibby? Wendy? iCarly? My fans?"

_the sad thing is they probably don't remember me _

"Gibby and Wendy will continue on with senior year and see you and Freddie when you guys come back on vacations. It can be like old times," Spencer even allowed himself to grimace at his words.

_and i was only just a dream_

"When's Freddie leaving?" I asked.

_(t__w__o __m__i__n__u__t__e__s__)_

"He already left. He'll be getting settled in his dorm room by the time you arrive in Boston." Spencer explained looking at my watch.

I opened my mouth but slammed it **shutshutshut**. I lost. They already won. Freddie was a l m o s t h a l f w a y across the country, getting ready to face his n:e:w future.  
>And I would be too, soon.<p>

I leaned back in my chair and let it hug me like a Care Bear and got ready to face **my** n:e:w world, leaving myself behind.

**Do you think Carly's **_**really**_** leaving everything behind? **

**Hint : she isn't.**

**And it isn't going to make much sense until later chapters. The story's getting off to a slow start but I promise the tension and everything else is going to start building up next chapter. **

**P.S – Spencer and Angie aren't going to disappear. Or Freddie. Or Gibby and Wendy and Mrs. Benson ;) And **_**especially**_** not Sam.**


	5. I Just Came To Say Hello

**Thank you all for such sweet feedback! I have decided to restart the story where I want it to take place. (Meaning I deleted chapters 5,6,7 and I'm starting new!)**

**A little note for one anonymous reviewer (Guest) -**

**I'm not completely starting over. I know it's sad, but Sam's dead because her part in my story is done. It makes me cry too and I want to bring her back but Carly's story is going to be a sad one...and I weirdly like it! Lol, I hope you can still enjoy the story even though Sam must remain dead. Maybe I'll even write you a happy story, that sound like a deal?**

The plane ride was as exciting as watching paint d r y.

Maybe when I was 14, I would've been a lot more excited about riding a plane by myself. But when I was 14, I wouldn't have been on my way to **prison**rehab.

_shit happens._

I tried to entertain myself by watching the in-flight movie but I wasn't a huge fan of old cowboy movies.

{you liked movies where the princesses with beautiful blonde curls and baby blue eyes didn't die}

I tried to sleep but I wasn't tired. I'd spent all day in a **funk** about leaving_andlettinggo_ home, I hadn't done anything productive or worth being tired over.

I decided to take a trip down memory lane and went through pictures on my camera. They were oldoldold pictures, from when we were all 14 year old _babies_ in middle school.

_Flash_

Me and Sam, shopping at Build-A-Bra. They were having a special sale with free glow in the dark straps and we had decided to pretend they were mustaches.

_Flash_

Single Spencer and his stupid 138 moving parts on his sculpture. It had cost us longest, continuous web-show ever in the Jonas Book of World Records however we were grateful towards him, for letting us be "apart" of his sculpture and still getting in the book. I smiled when I remembered how happy Sam had been to get a picture with the World's Fattest Priest.

_Flash_

Spencer insisted we take a picture with the Plain White T's after they performed on our show, after we got Nevel to stop messing with our webshow. Sam and I were on opposite sides of the lead singer, Tom Higgenson. I had failed to realize at the time _already how close Seddie were_ standing next to each other.

I stopped reminiscing about the better times because we just looked so happy. Like we believed nothing coul our **esophagus**friendship a/p/a/r/t.

We would be friends for **n**ever.

{_ y_}

* * *

><p>The plane ride was literally eternal. <em>("This ceremony's eternal!")<em> Once the pilot announced we were landing, I could practically feel my miserableness slipping away. (_"Oh come on, having a miserable life isn't all that bad. Sometimes my mother laughs.")_

Once I got off the plane, I didn't realize how late it was _{{for a very important date}}_. I started at an empty sky without the stars and realized it was almost one in the morning.

"Carly Shay?" A female voice asked from behind me.

_Mommy?_

I turned around to find a stern-looking woman. Her lips were pursed shutshutshut and her gray hair was wrapped in a bun so tight, I thought it'd e**x**p**l**o**d**e.

"Yes...may I ask who you are?" The ever-so-polite **robot**Carly asked.

I could practically see Sam, laughingscoffingrollingherey es at me.

"I am Madame Grey, your new Headmaster. I will be escorting you back to New Horizons." Madame Grey told me. Her voice was crisp, as if she'd rather be filing paper work instead of _baby_-sitting me.

I followed her to baggage claim where we waited in an _awkward_ silence for my suitcase.

I had been zoning out_ter my space_ when Madame Grey spoke.

"Beg your pardon?"

Madame Grey sighed. "Is _that_ your bag?"

She had been pointing to an obnoxiously pink one with a large iCarly logo on it, that was **dangerous**ly close to passing by.

I quickly grabbed it from the venus fly trap and steadied it by my side. "Thank you."

"I hope you will not make it a habit of zoning out of our world, Miss Shay. Come along, it is late and we must get you situated in your dorm." Madame Grey talked as she lead us out of the airport and into a dark Sudan.

I dismissed her sharpness as a sign that she was tired and all she wanted to do was go home or wherever she went to sleep. Babysitting **troubled**struggling girls was not something she wanted to be doing right now.

I turned on my phone and was immediately greeted (translation: **harassed**) to 25 new text messages, 10 missed calls, and 6 new voicemails.

I turned my phone back **o: f: f**.

"How long have you been working at New Horizons?" I asked, trying to fill the empty void in **my heart**the car.

"Four years."

"That's...a decent while." I immediately internally smacked myself. I drew a sharp breath before continuing. "What made you interested in working there?"

"My daughter."

I stopped talking. The t*o*n*e of her voice let me know we were d:o:n:e with the conversation.

I turned on my phone again and ignored the now 32 new texts, 17 missed calls, and 9 new voicemail. I opened up the Maps app and typed in the address for New Horizons from our current location in the car.

_Great_! Another _**47**_ minutes of silence to endure.

* * *

><p>"And here we are, Miss Shay." I barely heard the crisp tone of Madame Grey's voice.<p>

I *sleepily* opened my eyes and stared at the tower-like building.

It looked like it was a manor, made completely out of stone. I couldn't make much out of it, considering the building and night sky were so midnight and dark. It definitely nailed the creepiest Haunted House award.

I lugged my suitcase and tote out of the van and followed Madame Grey into the **dungeon**rehabiliation center.

_"This place is weirder than my mom's house."_ Sam whispered in my ear as we followed Madame Grey inside the spooky space. _"It's almost like there are ghosts waiting to haunt you inside."_

I had gotten used to Ana's sudden appearances before, so Sam's visits weren't much different.

It was her _analogy_ that made me gasp.

"Something wrong, Miss Shay?" The ever pleasant Madame Grey asked.

"I almost...tripped. Won't happen again." I rep_lied_, catching my breath.

If Madame Grey suspected any _lies_ or hesitation, she didn't showblowknow it.

"Be careful of the bumps in the night." Madame Grey warned me continuing to walk forward with her head held high.

I don't think she realized what that sentence meant to me.

We continued in silence for a little while more, past what seemed to be millions of dorm rooms. Finally we stopped in front of Room... 239.

* * *

><p><em>We drove in silence, the entire 21.3 miles. The music filled the car, patching the brokenness between me and Freddie. (we can never be creddie. we've lost too much trustouch.)<em>

_Once we finally got to our destination, he led me inside and down the white halls. We were stopped but Freddie told them who he was and they let him go with sadsadsad eyes._

_I followed him in slow motion, dreading coming up to the room._

_room 235…room 236…room 237…room 238…room 239-_

_"We're here." Freddie said monotonously as we walked into silent room._

_I took deepdeepdeep breaths but I found myself shorter in breath than ever. I swallowed faster and faster and blinked moremoremore. I bit my lip and stared into the ocean that no longer flowed._

_"Believe me now?" Freddie said even more monotonously._

_I slowly nodded my head and stared at the ceiling – praying it would fall on me and I would wake up._

_"That's the price you pay to be beautiful." Ana came up behind me, wrapping her freezing fingers around my twigsarms._

_"They declared it over five hours ago," Freddie spoke up in the silent room of hopelessness. "Sam's dead. And there's nothing we can do."_

* * *

><p>"Madame Grey, I don't think I can stay in this particular dorm room." The scream was waiting to b from my mouth. I nearly <em>heaved<em>.

Madame Grey didn't seem to catch my telepathy. She pulled out a set of keys and handed a pair to me.

"Here's two keys: a pair and a spare." She said monotonously. "Hopefully you don't lose either."

Madame Grey slid one key into the lock on the door and prepared to send me to my doom.

"I asked your roommate if she would like to wait up for you but don't be disappointed if she's asleep." Madame Grey started to say as she opened the door to hell. "Oh...you're in luck. She's awake. Carly, meet your new roommate -"

"Missy?" I stepped inside and stared at my **former** friend. "You're here too?"

"Hey Shay." She gave me a little smile :).

I found it harder to breathe when I recalled that smile she gave me -

_I had just gotten back from getting our smoothies when Sam was **glaring** at Missy and Missy was giving her a devious smile._

_I dismissed it as friends getting used to bonding when Sam squeezed her smoothie a little too hard._

_"Oops! Defective cup!" I giggled as the smoothie liquid began pouring out._

- when she, Sam and I had our little conversation.

"You two know each other?" Madame Grey raised her eyebrows.

"_Used_ to be friends." I murmured, staring at Missy. Her natural red hair had been dyed a little lighter, which made her green eyes pop. She was wearing a matching pajama set that was grey and had NH programmed onto it.

"Well then things shouldn't be awkward." Madame Grey almost smiled :) as she bid us a goodnight and left.

_If only she knew how fucking wrong she was._

The air was filled with so much awkwardness, I wished my stomach would eat it.

"Hi." Missy broke the silence with a pair of sharp scissors.

_(she forget to cut the past away too)_

I didn't look at her as I walked over to the empty bed. "Hello."

"How are things?"

I finally turned around and gave her a regretful smile.

"Okay...bad question." Missy laughed a little. "Obviously things haven't been well."

"For either of us." I muttered mainly to myself.

Missy looked away and sat back down on her bed. "It's a good thing you came on Saturday. No classes to worry about tomorrow."

I began to unpack my suitcase. "Is there room in the closet?"

Missy had been playing with strands of her pretty hair. "What?"

I motioned towards the closet with the shirts in my hand. "Closet. Is there room?"

"Oh. Yeah." Missy nodded her head and narrowed her eyes at the suitcase. "That all you brought?"

"Couldn't bring everything unfortunately," I laughed lightly. "Not much of it really fit well anyways."

Silence followed me as I walked over to the closet. On the empty side of **my heart**the closet, I started hanging my clothes up.

"How's Sam?" Missy suddenly asked.

I swear Smirked at me from inside the closet. She gave me a little wink before disappearing in a nano second.

_(I began to wonder if I was seeing things)_

"I mean, we kind of left on bad terms and I would love to apologize -"

"Sam's dead."

That certainly shut Missy up. I finished hanging up my clothes and threw my shoes to one side. I'd sort them later.

"People sure know what they're talking about when they don't hesitate to tell someone you love them." Missy murmured, looking like she'd seen a ghost.

_(did she see mine?)_

"I'm really tired." I told her, sliding into bed in my jeans and sheer strawberry blouse.

"Okay. Me too." Missy climbed into her own bed and clapped her hands. The lights shut off on cue.

I had begun to drift off to sleep when I heard Missy say something.

"I'm so sorry, Carly."

"I know."

* * *

><p>The next morning, I woke up to bright sunshine on my face. I frowned as I rubbed my eyes and woke up.<p>

"Missy?"

There was no answer. I looked around the room and realized Missy was gone. I sighed and walked over to a closed door. I opened it carefully and walked into the bathroom.

I looked like a mess.

I hadn't taken off my make-up the night before so I had lovely raccoon eyes. My hair hadn't been brushed and it stuck to one side of my head. Plus, I was still wearing yesterday's clothes.

I turned on the hot water faucet for a shower and climbed in. I let the steam **burn** my skin and wip off of me.

_Missy was not my roommate._

_I was not in Boston._

_{{Sam was not dead.}}_

I got out of the shower when my **pale** skin began to turn **red**.

I cleaned myself off and dried my hair. I didn't blow-dry it or straighten it. Might as well let it air dry.

I peeked outside the door to make sure I was still alone. I then left the bathroom and changed into a baggy shirt and leggings. I was towel-drying my hair when Missy came back into the room.

"There you are!" She exclaimed, looking abnormally perfect for a Sunday morning. Her light hair was pulled back into a ponytail and her green eyes were lined with eyeliner. She was wearing a floral sundress and carried a beach tote. "Breakfast started five minutes ago."

"We all have to meet for breakfast?"

Missy looked at me. "Didn't you read the brochure?"

"No."

"Oh."

"Give me a minute? I didn't realize I should look presentable." I said, hurrying back into the bathroom.

Five minutes later, Missy and I had hurried into the cafeteria. I had put on a little make-up and a better shirt so I felt a little better about my appearance.

Missy had explained to me we were sitting in assigned sections. Since I was a new transfer, I would be sitting with already assigned tables.

"Carly Shay?"

I was getting pretty damn tired of people saying my name like they _knew_ me.

"You are Carly Shay, right?" A girl with blonde curls and blue eyes asked me.

_why did everybody suddenly have blonde hair?_

I nodded my head and went over to her table. "Are you Lily...?"

She laughed. "Of course I am. Sit here!"

She pointed to the seat across from her, next to a friendly looking brunette. "I'm Ally!" The brunette said.

"I'm Caitlin!" The other blonde chirped.

I gave a little smile :). "Carly."

"_Lovely_ to meet you, Carly." Lily said in a surprisingly **_ y_ **voice. "Who's your roommate? Do you know?"

"Oh, Missy Robinson." I pointed back at Missy. "She's sitting over -"

"Wait, _Missy_?" Ally slapped my arm all of a sudden. "You're rooming with Missy?"

I frowned. "Yes. Do you know her?"

"Oh please, everybody knows Missy!" Caitlin piped up. "No one could stop talking her the first three months she got here."

"Why?"

"Oh she hasn't told you why she's here?" Lily asked innocently. "I guess she doesn't trust you like that. Figures."

"What's that supposed to mean?" I asked sitting up a little straighter.

Lily raised her eyebrow delicately. "Oh no! No offense towards you. I'm talking about her story. She has a hard time trusting people after what happened."

I wanted to pry but I had a pretty good feeling that's _ t_ Lily wanted me to do.

So I obliged in the end.

"She was -" Ally started to say before Lily cut her a look.

"You don't know the full story like I do," Lily **glared** at her before softening her gaze back to me. "Missy returned back to Seattle after the boat trip thing she took. That night she returned her mom revealed while she was away, she had gotten remarried to Missy's stepfather, who had a 17 year old kid. Her mom ran out to go get groceries with her stepfather and Missy was innocently watching TV when -"

A loud, shrill clear bell rang startling me and Lily, who _clearly_ wasn't expecting to be interrupted during her story.

Ally and Caitlin stood up, clearly used to the bell. Lily reluctantly got up and walked with me to the line.

"Wait, so why are _you_ here?" Ally **suddenly** asked me. "Shouldn't you be doing iCarly?"

Lily rolled her ocean eyes. "She can't do iCarly anymore cause she was in rehab and Sam's dead."

"Sam's dead?" Caitlin's eyes widened to shock. "Why?"

I ignored Caitlin's questions as I stared at Lily suspiciously. "How'd you know I went to rehab?"

Lily shrugged. "My mom told me."

"Who's your..._Madame Grey_?" Things **weirdly** started to click into place.

Lily nodded and smirked. "I know everything about everybody here. That's why no one bothers to mess with us."

Ally and Caitlin nodded.

_You're only her little sidekicks cause you don't want your secrets out there in the open._

"So that's how you know what happened to -" I started to ask before Ally clamped her cold hand over my mouth.

"We'll talk at the table," Lily glared behind my shoulder.

I turned around to find a gaggle of girls staring and whispering at us.

As the line slowly moved along, Lily and Caitlin whispered with each other about the girls in front of us. Ally spaced out as she hummed to herself and twirled her hair.

"Where are you from?" I asked her, making small talk.

Ally turned towards me like she was surprised I was talking to her. "Me? Oh I'm from Minnesota. The coldest and hottest place in the world."

"Oh my...my friend Gibby used to live in Minnesota. He talks about it all the time." I stumbled over the **forbidden**uncomfortable word _boyfriend_.

"Wait, the Gibby on iCarly?"

I nodded.

"Oh I know him!" Ally giggled. "We used to be neighbors before his parents moved away. We used to play Princess and Prince in my sandbox. One time we even pretended that we were married and he gave me this."

Ally showed me a cheap, plastic ring on her left finger. "I swore I would never take it off."

I forced the laughs out of me as the smile remained on my face. It's only just a little awkward talking to your _boyfriend's_ ex wife.

Ally **suddenly** stopped giggling and looked at me. "Are you still in touch with Gibby?"

I nodded.

"Can you like...hook us up or something?"

"_Hook you up_? We're in Boston...it's all -"

"No, no!" Ally giggled again. "I mean like reconnect us. I've been trying to forever but I never could. Could you please Carly?"

Her eyes were so big and blue and pleading that I just couldn't control what was coming out of my mouth.

"Yeah of course. I don't think he has a girlfriend."

_wait...what the hell? i'm his freaking girlfriend!_

Ally's eyes brightened. "Seriously? OMG, that's the best news I've heard all day! God, Carly, you're literally my hero right now!"

"_And this would be the time to tell her you're his girlfriend_." Sam appeared next to Ally, playing with her hair.

I opened my mouth but closed it with a smile as we moved up to the counters.

_"Probably shouldn't get the eggs, they're poached you know. We both know how frustrated your stomach gets."_ Sam told me, pointing at the eggs. I nearly hyperventilated when I realized that was one of the lies I had told Spencer six months ago. _"Oh and the sausages are undercooked and nasty. I wouldn't even try the crumble cake and that's saying something."_

Well there went the entire meal.

* * *

><p>Once we got back to the table - I got the sausages and crumble cake - Ally turned to Caitlin and Lily with the most excited look on her face.<p>

"Carly's going to set me up with Gibby!"

Lily raised her eyebrow while Caitlin giggled excitedly.

"Why?"

"OMG!"

Ally couldn't wipe the smile off her face. "Remember how I told you he gave me this ring back in the fifth grade? Well I bet he'll freak when he sees I still have it!"

Lily sighed as she dipped her fork in the eggs. "I really wish you wouldn't wear it."

Ally disregarded her comment as Caitlin kept giggling.

_What the hell was I gonna do? Break up with Gibby and tell him he needs to pretend we were never a couple and fall in love with Ally again? Or do the sensible and obvious thing and tell Ally that we're dating?_

**But if you tell her you're dating now, she'll hate you and think you're jealous. Then Caitlin and Lily will hate you too for thinking you were dragging her on.**

_But I still have Missy and her friends to be friends with._

**Newsflash. Missy doesn't like you.**

_Newsflash. I know._

"You're supposed to finish telling me what happened to Missy." I reminded Lily as I cut the sausages in _halves_.

Lily watched me as she chewed on her eggs. "Oh yeah. Well where did I leave off?"

"You left off at the part where Missy was watching TV." Caitlin reminded her.

"Oh yeah. Well that night as Missy was watching TV, her step brother came in the room. She didn't pay him any mind cause they weren't close or anything yet. He invited her to a party at the local bowling alley -"

"Heh, you said Ally!" The still excited Ally jumped in.

Lily gave her a **death glare** as she lowered her fork.

Ally returned to her crumble cake.

Lily rolled her eyes dramatically as she continued. "As I said, he invited her to a party at the local bowling alley and a bunch of his friends were there. There weren't any other girls and the guys were clearly drunk and high but Missy didn't pay that any mind. As soon as they ended the game, they all decided to go out for pizza next door. But next door there was also a dark alley where they, you know, raped her. I won't go into detail about that because even that haunts me but she told her parents and they sent her here."

I dropped my fork onto my plate and blinked a few times. "They all raped her in an alley?"

"Classic way too. But nevertheless freaky."

I stared at my plate. "Poor Missy."

"Yeah. Everybody wouldn't stop talking about it until there was another intense girl who came in. This girl was the most surprising one, you know. Everybody thought she was perfect on the outside. She was cheery, peppy and pretty. But then her best friend died, her webshow ended, and she was sent into rehab for anorexia. And now she's here with us." Lily smirked.

I **suddenly** felt like hyperventilating. "Wait a minute...everybody's not talking about Missy because they're talking about me?"

Caitlin nodded. "In a way, Missy's like grateful towards you. It puts you in the spotlight and not her."

I felt like throwing up. "No...no...I can't be in the spotlight...not anymore."

Lily shrugged. "If I had control over the rumor mill in New Horizons, I'd turn all the attention back to Missy again. Poor little Carly doesn't need all the pressure on her again, look where it got her. But unfortunately all I can do is threaten people and eventually they get bored it."

The entire dining area seemed to be getting smaller and smaller and smaller and everyone's eyes seemed to be in one direction.

m e.

"What time does dinner end?" I asked pushing my plate away. "I can't eat anymore."

"Carly, you're pretty just the way you are," Ally said looking at my plate. "You don't need to be anorexic anymore."

"I feel like I'm gonna throw up."

"Don't be bulimic. Then you'll actually die." Ally informed me.

"Yeah, I _know_ that Ally." I honestly didn't mean to snap.

The entire table fell silent.

Lily put her fork down and st(gl)ared at Ally. "Remember what we talked about? _Thinking_ about what you say before you say it?"

Ally nodded and began to eat her crumble cake again. She brushed off the subject, like it never happened, and began talking about the new movie she saw last night.

I closed my eyes for a moment and felt a hand brush mine under the table.

The touch felt so _familiar_, I hoped in every inch of my heart it was Sam.

I opened my eyes and saw the familiar blonde curls and moonlike skin. But Lily's ocean eyes were too **dangerous** and e/v/i/l to be even closecloserclosest to Sam's.

**Wowza. This chapter was really long and it does have a little bit of the previous chapters in it - hope it's a good new start!**


	6. Stuck In The Moment

I should've known it'd be a badbadbad day from the **start**.

I mean, if your _Monday_ starts with you realizing you left your favoritefavoritefavorite shi(r)t in the entire world back home, all the way across the country, your day is destined to be **horrible**.

Of course I dismissed this and picked out my *favorite* **shi**(r)**t** - which ended up having a stain on it I forgot to _wash away_.

I clearly should have known then, right?

_n o p e_.

I continued on and just threw on a button up, jeans, and my favorite pretty boots. I put on heavier mascara than usual and burned my ear with my flat-iron.

I checked my schedule and saw my very first "class" of the day was with Madame Grey.

Apparently she's the new therapist in town.

_whoop whoop._

With directions from Missy, I found my way down to her office and began to knockknockknock on **wood**the door.

Lily Grey opened the door just as I'd brought my hand up to knock. She gave me a _ g_ smile.

_and that's why i smile_

"Hey Carly! Enjoy your session." I saw the _ghost_ of a smirk appear on her delicate face before she turned to walk away.

_it's been awhile_

As if she hadn't asked me enough about it during breakfast.

I walked inside the office and Madame Grey raised her hand up. She had her eyes locked on the computer as she spoke to me. "Please wait one moment Miss Shay before entering. And when you do next time, I expect you to ask for an invitation."

I slowly backed out and let myself b:l:i:n:k. Did she really always act like there was a stick up her ass?

Madame Grey quickly finished typing and shut her laptop. She then removed her glasses and looked at me eXpectantly. _like a hawk watching it's **prey**_

"Oh! Um, may I come in?"

"Of course you may. I do love your grammar, most students here don't know the difference between may and can. Please seat yourself on the couch." Madame Grey told me as she, herself, sat down on a comfier looking chair. She pulled out a clipboard and began looking through it. "How has your mood been lately?"

"Pardon me?"

"Your mood. How have you been feeling since you arrived?" Madame Grey's almost happy voice returned back to it's normal monotone.

"Um, well no disrespect intended, I hate it here." I rep_lied_ honestly. "I'd really rather be back home with my friends."

"Yes, your brother did mention you were strongly against coming here in the first place. However he does believe we will be able to help you recover from Samantha's death."

"Sam."

"I beg your pardon?" Madame Grey looked up from her clipboard and at me. I :final:ly made her speechless for a moment.

"Everyone called her Sam. Only teachers called her Samantha." I explained :patient:ly.

"Oh. Yes, your friend Sam. Your brother -"

"I don't mean to interrupt, Madame, but he and his new fiancee have already repeatedly, I might add, been over why I'm here." I sighed and looked wistfully out the window for sweet escapes. "I just want to go home."

"If you show improvement over the course of the year, and I mean about your mood, you will be allowed to return home after graduation." Madame Grey explained to me.

"What if I don't?"

This almost seemed to cause a **demon** smile out of her. "Then you will continue here until you're legal, technically which is 18, but we are allowed to keep you here until you're 21. After that, we are no longer held responsible for your actions and what not."

"Oh."

"But enough about the negative. This is your session and I would like to ask questions about you." Madame Grey put down her clipboard and relaxed into her chair of doom.

"Ask away."

"Tell me about your parents."

"What if I don't want to talk about a certain subject?"

"You can always pass it."

"I don't want to talk about my parents then."

"How are your grades normally in school?"

"I'm an honors student."

"What do you believe triggered your anorexia?"

I looked away back to the window where the sweet escapes seemed to be fading _away way way_. "Why?"

"I'm just curious. I do have a few theories of my own but I'd wish to hear yours."

"I want to hear yours first."

Madame Grey picked her clipboard up again. "All in good time, Miss Shay. We have many more sessions until I feel that you will be ready. Moving on - how are you socially?"

Socially? I used to be one of the **most** popular girls in school. I used to get invited to **every** party, **ogled** by every **boy**, **adored** by every teacher, **envied** by every **girl**. Don't get me wrong, I didn't mean to be _ego_tistical.

But then Ana played her little game unfairly and knocked off one of my best friends, clearing her off the board. My social life went down_hill_ from there.

"I have no friends."

"Your brother states you had three close friends. Tell me about Gibby, Freddie and Sam."

* * *

><p><em>It was one of those days where you felt like your best friends had abandoned you to do your webcast on your own with a Gibby, while they made-out.<em>

_Oh yeah. It was._

_Don't blame me for being upset that I had to do a webcast alone with Gibby. While Gibby is cute and funny, he's the worst co-star a girl could ask for._

_And I didn't ask for him._

_So there I sat, waiting for Seddie to come back so I could give them a little piece of my mind._

_Unfortunately, it didn't really go as planned. Turns out they had a valid excuse for missing iCarly but they somehow panned it back to me for being jealous of their relationship because I was single._

_"And maybe you were the one who let his mom know that we were going out?" Sam accused me in a soft tone._

_"I did not!"_

_"Then who did?" Freddie challenged._

_"Gib - what?" I tried to take it back. But I'd seen the look in Sam's eyes. The look that meant she wanted blood._

_Gibby and Mrs. Benson eventually made me spill the secret Sam made me swear not to tell. I knew I shouldn't have told them that she sabotaged Freddie's application, I knew in my heart that good friends - no best friends - don't do that._

_Which is why I eventually tried to make good out of the situation. Gibby, realizing ruining a relationship is wrong, helped me by escorting a infuriated Mrs. Benson out of the room while I reunited Seddie._

* * *

><p>Sam and Freddie never totally forgave me for that - and neither did Gibby by the way - and it always brought a coldbitterpeasant memory to my mind.<p>

I hated the way I just relented_likeaweaklittlebeast_ in that moment and gave in to the "evilness" of Team Break Seddie Up. I felt so ashamed of myself I could barely watch the recording of it I had on our desktop.

"Miss Shay? Are you feeling alright?" Madame Grey asked me.

I had forgotten where I was and who I was with when she spoke.

_**Mommy**_?

"Of course I am. Is our session over now?" I asked im:patient:ly.

Madame Grey raised an eyebrow and checked her watch. "It's only been ten minutes. We still have another fifty minutes to go."

"I'll take a rain check."

"Miss Shay! Carly, come back this instant!" I heard Madame Grey call after me as I left the room and never looked back.

* * *

><p><em>It was afternoon before I finally gathered up the courage to video chat Gibby.<em>

I had still ignored Spencer's endless calls and texts but I had begun to feel bad and lonely.

I was practically hyperfreakingventilating when he a/c/c/e/p/t/e/d.

"Carly-Car? You're alive!" Gibby exclaimed as his face took over my **heart**screen.

I managed a fake smile back. "Hey! It's been crazy. I've barely had any time to breathe!"

"But you are eating right?" Gibby asked ever so worried.

I giggled. "I am. I promise."

_; tell him you made a mistake._

"That's good," Gibby continued. "Man, Seattle is boring."

_; tell him your heart aches._

"Spencer's practically a zombie, waiting for you to call him back you know, Angie's more peppier than ever, if that's possible, Mrs. Benson is practically shoving food down my throat every minute of every day -"

_; tell him you absolutely hate Ally and their past_

"Mrs. Briggs and Mr. Howard are like robots and they seem to be totally confused at everything now, Principal Franklin is just depressed, T-Bo doesn't sell food on sticks anymore -"

_; tell him you thought Cibby and Seddie would last_

"And it's like...Seattle is sleeping for once. Get it? Sleepless in Seattle?"

I laughed for Gibby's sake but frowned. "Wendy said everything's the same...just minus me and...Sam."

Gibby shrugged. "It's the little things that revolved around the four of us, I guess. I've been watching old iCarly's."

I didn't admit that I wanted to **absolutely **_forget_ everything about that.

"My favorite one was when we surprised Sam and Freddie on their 6-month anniversary."

* * *

><p><em>It was just a normal day and Seddie was just being their normal, adorable selves.<em>

_Sam was sitting on a bean bag and Freddie was playing with her hair behind her. Every once in a while he would tickle her neck and she would thump him but they both had a smile on their face for a nano second. She occasionally showed him a disgusting video she was looking at on his laptop._

_I exchanged looks with Gibby and nodded before announcing we should start getting ready for the webshow._

_We did our normal segments - "Messin With Lewbert", "The Cowboy and the Idiot Farm Girl" , "Random Dancing", etc - when Sam started to wrap up the show._

_"Ah, not so fast!" Gibby and I said in unison winking at the camera - ahem, Freddie._

_Sam and Freddie exchanged a look._

_I nodded to Gibby who took control of the camera and pushed Freddie up with us._

_"Today as hardcore Seddiers know - it's Sam and Freddie's 6 month anniversary!" I announced cheerfully taking Sam's remote from her and pressing the applause button._

_Sam and Freddie exchanged another look._

_"And so today we have a special surprise for them," I said. "Come out Spencer!"_

_Spencer was single at the time. When Gibby and I explained our plan to him, he was more than happy to oblige._

_Spencer came out of the elevator pushing a cart with a big cake on it. On the cake was a picture of Sam and Freddie Gibby took in the dark. They had a very Jared and Savannah look on them - Sam had her hands cupping his face and he had his hands resting on her waist. We had edited it so that it looked like it was a kiss in the rain, in the middle of the street when it was really at the Groovy Smoothies._

_Sam blushed and Freddie ran his fingers through his hair as they cautiously walked closer to the cake._

_"Happy 6 monthiversary!" I whispered for only them to hear as I pushed them even closer to the cake._

_They exchanged another look before Freddie swiped his finger across the cake and swiped the frosting across Sam's lips._

_We all laughed as Sam grabbed a handful of cake and smashed it on his face. She then kissed him roughly, pushing him back behind the cart where the cake protected them._

_I took that as my cue to end the show._

_Spencer and Gibby immediately left the room, knowing from experience it's bad to interrupt and/or watch a Seddie make-out session._

_I followed but before I went down the stairs, I peeked from the corner of the door to see Sam peek out from behind the cake. She took Freddie's hand and pulled him back around._

_"We actually look cute there, don't we?" Sam said with her back turned to me, leaning her head on his shoulder._

_His arm snaked dangerously low on her back. "You're adorable."_

_Sam took another handful of cake but stuffed it in her mouth. "That's adorable?"_

_Freddie hesitated before imitating her. "Absolutely," He said with his mouth full._

_Sam burst out laughing causing them both to choke with cake still in their mouths._

_Once they calmed down they actually began to eat the cake like normal human beings and talked about the most random things in the world._

_I quietly turned around and left them to their privacy before tiptoeing down the stairs, with a small smile on my face._

_(Little did I know - Sam was going to throw up the cake that night in Freddie's bathroom.)_

* * *

><p>"Yeah that was cute, wasn't it?" I commented. Gibby never knew how cute they were.<p>

"It was," Gibb lonesome and bittersweet pain. "How's Freddie? He's barely been answering my calls."

I bit my bottom lip. "He's in a different building. We don't get to talk too much."

"Are the girls nice to you?" Gibby asked like the worried boyfriend is supposed to ask.

_someone's been reading their script._

**stop it.**

_just because you threw it away doesn't mean there aren't any copies._

**shut up.**

I smiled. "Yeah. They kind of are - oh my God, you'll never guess who I met here -"

I was going to say _Missy Robinson_ but Ally chose that exact moment to come in.

_away goes the carly and her boyfriend_

"Hey Carly, do you have any pink shirts I could borrow? I have these really cute white jeans that would go perfectly with pink but Lily borrowed all of mine and she says they're in the washer." Ally asked barging in through the door.

I guess that was Lily's _nice_ way of saying "There's no way in hell I'm giving these back."

Gibby frowned through the computer. "Was that your roommate? Hmm, they sound really familiar.."

_so they did know each other._

Unfortunately for me, Ally heard him before I could even think of quitting the video chat before she saw.

Her eyes _brighter than the sun_ as she bounced over to my bed and practically pushed me off. "Gibby!"

Gibby continued to frown. "Ally?"

Ally shoved her ring in my webcam. "Do you remember this? It's the ring you gave me like ten years ago!"

Gibby slowly nodded. "Oh yeah..."

"I've been trying to contact you for years!" Ally continued, the fact that Gibby was **completely **_uninterested_ flying over her head. "And when I found out Carly knew you, I was over the moon!"

Gibby turned his eyes to me and I tried to mouth _"We need to talk_" . However Ally noticed this and nudged me.

"Carly? Could you give us a moment alone?"

"No! I think Carly should stay," Gibby exclaimed still looking at me as I started to get up.

I sat back down.

"Don't you want to catch up?" Ally asked **bluntly**. "I mean Carly said you didn't have a girlfriend -"

"She _did_?" Gibby asked his eyes still on me.

I was too paralyzed to even blink. I tried **dying**breathing but even that seemed like AP Calculus.

_this is **not** happening. please God - tell me this is **not** happening..._

"Yeah. Do you?" Ally's voice suddenly changed to the psychotic jealous girlfriend.

Gibby tore his gaze away. "I thought I did."

"Who?"

_please, please, please, please, please, please, please tell me this is all a nightmare_

"You don't know her." Gibby said **coldly**.

_i'm **so** sorry. i'm such a **shitty** girlfriend. gibby - i **swear** i'm sorry._

Ally's face started to show signs of sadness. "Oh. Can I text you sometime?"

_please say no. i'll actually eat the whole featured meal._

"Sure. My number's 555-9088." Gibby told her pulling out his own phone and dropping my *heart*..

Ally told him her number as she recorded his in her PearPhone.

My phone vibrated beside me.

Spencer :

_i know your mad carls...but please call me back._

"Hey Ally? Lily just texted me saying she actually is willing to give you back your pink shirt." I lied staring her straight in the eyes.

_the people who call that impossible are mother fucking **fools**._

"Oh yay! Which one?"

"Just go to her. She's waiting," I had barely said before Ally was out of the door.

"Bye Gibby!"

Once we were alone, I tried to speak. "I can explain -"

"That we're not dating anymore? That you're not ready for a relationship because you just want some fun?" Gibby looked me in the eyes again with **hatred** and **disgust**. "Because I think I understand that part pretty much."

_please turn back into the weird, random, disturbing Gibby again. please understand me._

"It's not like that, I promise -"

"Look Carly, I know you and Freddie are trying to deal with the aftermath of Sam's death," Gibby started. "And I know you're both taking it hardly. But it doesn't mean I'm not either. We all are."

"Gibby, please listen -"

_don't leave me. please don't be like mommy, daddy, sam, freddie, spencer and angie._

"I have to go, Carly."

And just like that - Cibby was gone.

* * *

><p>It was the middle of the night when the sc<span>a<span>riest moment of my life happened. I had been sleeping nice and soundly when I felt a hand **clamp** down over my mouth.

_Are you there, God? It's me, Carly._

My eyes shot open and I tried to **bite** the person but they took my hand and helped me up.

_where's the light?_

"I'm going to let go of you now," A raspy, f/a/m/i/l/i/a/r voice whispered freakily::softly::soothingly in my ear, sending shivers down my spine. "Don't scream."

The hand dropped from my mouth and I began to breath again. I stayed **quiet** as the person pulled me out of my dorm room and shut the door **quietly**. I could tell we were going down the long hallway that lead to the girls bathrooms.

The person stopped and put their ear to the door of the janitor's closet before pushing it open and **locking** us in.

I did the honors of finding the lights and turning them on. "Freddie? How did you get here?"

"What the _fuck_ is wrong with you?" He **glared** me down.

_if looks could kill i would be with sam right now._

I frowned. "What?"

"First you kill Sam -"

"I didn't kill Sam!"

"And then you have us shipped off all the way across the country and you won't answer Spencer's calls and now you never had a relationship with Gibby?" Freddie began pacingpanickingpretending like someone's done something wrong.

_oh right. i was born._

"That's a long story -"

"Who are you, Carly?" Freddie stopped and looked me in the eye like we were 13 again. "You're not the Carly, Sam and I once loved."

"Oh so now you'll admit you once loved me?" I **challenged** him taking a step forward. "Cause for the past two months all you insisted on forgetting we ever had a decent history!"

"Maybe it's hard to deal with the fact that my girlfriend is dead and there's no bringing her back!" Freddie didn't screamshoutyell. He knew better than to wake people up.

I sighed and turned away from him. I had to remember that _he_ was the one who saw her life_les_s body floating on the floor.

_you can never un-see something._

"Listen Freddie, just listen. I'm sorry about what happened to Sam. I'm sorry I was too scared to fish her out of the deep end. I'm _sorry_. And I - out of all people - know being sorry isn't going to bring her back. It isn't going to relieve my pain either. And I don't know what to do anymore. She was the person who supported my every move and helped me through it all. Now I have nobody, not even you. I didn't mean to hurt Gibby, I didn't mean to do what I did at all. The words came out of my mouth too quick for me to understand what was going on. Then all of a sudden I'm not Gibby's girlfriend anymore. And I hate it!" I didn't crysobwail. I knew better than to play the crying card.

Freddie _sighed_ and turned around. "It's hard to forgive you, Carly. It really is."

He then turned back around, giving me a long look of hurt and regret, and then left the closet.

I quickly followed. "Wait, Freddie!"

Freddie never turned back around.

* * *

><p>I tried to avoid Ally and Caitlin <span>as much as possible<span> the next day, but Lily being Lily Grey could tell everything.

"You were his girlfriend before you set him and Ally up, weren't you?" She whispered to me two days later in Science.

I tensed like a little peasant. "I don't know what you're talking about."

"I already like you Carly, and that means they'll like you anyway too. You don't have to keep pretending." Lily assured me.

"I didn't mean to set them up. I didn't mean to say he didn't have a girlfriend." I whispered more towards myself.

"Do you want me to tell Ally that?" Lily asked softly.

I turned towards her expecting to find a look of _comfort_ and _understanding_ but all I saw written across her face was a **smirk** and **cockiness**.

"No. I don't want her to know. I'll just ask Gibby to stop talking to her." I turned away from the monster.

"Come on Carly," Her _**sultry**_ voice returned. "Ally is as bright as a dark lightbulb. She won't care."

"Why is she even here?"

Lily sighed. "It's a tragic story, really. Poor Ally suffers from bipolar disorder and has to take these pretty pills every night to keep her moods in control. Except it makes her ditzy, she's weird. So people used to bully her relentlessly before she tried to commit suicide. Her parents found her in the bathroom with a bottle of pills but Ally pretended she didn't know what was going on. Being dumb I think is her way of pretending she's okay."

"So she's not really that dumb?" I asked.

"No she is," Lily shrugged. "She's just really good at hiding the smart part of her."

I turned back towards the front of the classroom and let the words sink in. I wondered if she was haunted.

_**like me**_**.**

* * *

><p>ring<p>

ring

ring

ring

"YO. It's the Gibs. Leave me a message and I'll think about responding. Oh PS? My mom thinks I'm awesome!"

"Hey Gibs...it's me. Carly...Car. Listen, I need to talk to you. It's really important. Please call me back. I'm sorry. I promise. I...I miss you."

I almost locked my phone away and curled back to sleep but then I dialed another number.

ring

ri-

"Hello?"

"Hi Spencer. It's me, Carly."


	7. In Freedom, Most People Find Sin

**I****'****m the queen of procrastination. Nothing like a good two years to set the suspense!**

**I am SO SORRY to all those who have been waiting for this story to continue. At the time I had conceived/written this story, I****'****d been in a bad place mentally and that****'****s where the most of the inspiration was coming from and also around that time, iCarly had aired its series finale. I took a lengthy break from fanfiction in order to sort some things out but I also kept not returning to this story because the writing style was heinous and I needed to figure out how to come back to this and overlook the way I used to write and how I thought it was so cool.**

**So things are going to be a little different now! I****'****m going to be doing weekly updates since I have the majority of the chapters finished for this story. I want to crank this bad boy out before I embark on my next iCarly fanfiction.**

**And I thank **_**everyone**_** who has stuck with this story - even three years later! - and I hope this is worth your while. Again, I am **_**so**_** sorry about the ridiculously long hiatus. I hope you****'****re all still around to see this story continue!**

* * *

><p><em>You're gone and I've got to stay high<em>

_All the time_

_To keep you off my mind_

_Tove Lo **Habits**_

I was in the middle of curling my hair when Sam paid me a visit the next day.

"_What__'__s wrong with your pants?__"_

She meant the little bulge in the top of my gym shorts, that curled into small rolls when I sat down. By the gleam in her dark blue eyes, I knew what she was well aware of what she was hinting at.

"I ate Chef Sonia's apple pie last night. And it was _amazing_."

_Two can play this game if they__'__ve played it before._

Sam smirked and poked at my hair, running her fingers along the tendrils. "_Cute. I thought you hated apple pie.__"_

She was referring back to six months ago when I told Spencer I couldn't eat his homemade, freshly baked apple pie that he had spent all day baking.

But she didn't know about Ana digging her French manicured nails into my spine, her hot breath dancing down my neck like the pathways to hell.

Now Ana wasn't here to drag her nails down my skin or spew poisonous words at my face, the venom searing through to my heart and stomach.

I was free.

Sort of.

"You know why I said what I said." I told her, unplugging the curling iron and turning to face her. I didn't want to talk about the past with Sam anymore. I didn't want to talk about the past with Sam, period. I wanted her to be standing next to me, taking my hot curling iron and starting work on her own messy tendrils.

I wanted my best friend back.

Sam raised her eyebrow. "_I do. Do you?__"_

"What?" I turned back to the mirror and applied mascara to my already dark eyes. I wanted them to match the color of my heart.

"_Do you know why you lied to Spencer?__"_

I frowned and looked at her transparent form on my toilet. "What kind of a question is that?"

"_Did you lie to him because you were afraid of what Ana would say? Or did you lie because you had some sort of back bone back then?__"_

I ignored the sharp sting of my best friend's bitter words in my heart. _She__'__s dead. I__'__m seeing the ghost of a dead person, whose death was __"__not my fault__"__._

_..._

_Maybe she just needs some more time._

I was about to ask her if she would help me pick out an outfit for the day when something struck me as odd.

"How do you know about Ana?" I asked suspiciously.

Sam blinked, the fire in her eyes disintegrating slowly. "_What are you talking about_?"

"I never told you about her." I knew for a fact I had never told Sam about Ana - I had always been worried if I told her I saw people who didn't actually exist, she'd become nervous about my mental welfare and tell Spencer the truth. "In all our conversations, I never told you about her."

"_Doesn__'__t every anorexic see Ana_?" Sam inquired.

I shook my head slowly.

Sam shrugged and her own figure shimmered. "_Figured they did. I do know a thing or two about Ana and Mia.__"_

_good save_, I thought.

I returned back to the mirror so I wouldn't have to look her in the eyes. "So are you the new Ana?"

"_I hear anger in your voice.__"_ Sam raised her eyebrow and handed me the black shirt I'd planned on wearing. "_Deep, unresolved anger. What__'__s wrong Carls? I thought we were the best of friends_."

"You hate me. You hate that..._you_ hate _me_." I reminded her and took the shirt. "Thanks."

"_I could never hate you, Carlotta.__"_ Sam said, playfully sitting back on the toilet. _"__Like you could never hate me no matter what we did.__"_

"Even if you almost got us killed."

Sam looked back up at me, confusion etched in her deadly beautiful features.

* * *

><p>"<em>Sam!<em>_" __Prissy Carly__ hissed loudly, looking back behind us at her front door. __"__Your mother__'__s going to kill us if she finds out we stole her brand new convertible and took it for a joy ride!__"_

"_If__ she finds out,__" __Sam said briskly, digging for the keys in her short jean short pockets. __"__Besides why would she care?__"_

"_Oh maybe because we__'__re only 16 and you don__'__t even have your permit?__" __I kept whispering, very well aware of the fact Pam Puckett could not hear me even if I screamed._

_She was with a man that night._

"_My mother wouldn__'__t care. Besides I look enough like her that I could pass for her in her license.__" __Sam said loudly, waving her mom__'__s driver__'__s license in the air in front of my face._

_She pulled out the car keys and skipped to the other side, opening the door and sliding in. She put the key in the ignition and stared at me._

"_Well aren__'__t you coming in?__"_

"_No! We__'__ll get caught. Let__'__s just go back inside and watch Girly Cow.__" __I practically begged her._

_Sam giggled. __"__Are you...scared, Shay?__"_

_I nodded my head vigorously._

"_Aw, don__'__t be. I__'__m an...okay driver.__" __She rolled her eyes once she saw my jaw drop thirty feet and my eyes widen to saucers. __"__Oh grow up. You won__'__t die.__"_

"_Spencer would kill us.__"_

"_Are you planning on telling Spencer?__" __I shook my head again. __"__Then Spencer__'__ll never know. Carly, it__'__s __summer.__ Summer break? We__'__re supposed to get crazy and do stupid shit.__"_

"_YOLO doesn__'__t mean You Only Live Once so go out and find interesting enough ways to die!__" __I hissed once I heard a manly noise emit from Pam__'__s bedroom._

_Sam rolled her eyes and started the car. __"__I don__'__t know about you but I__'__m not going to stay here and listen to __that__ all night.__"_

"_We can go back to my house! And watch Girly Cow -__"_

"_You don__'__t even like Girly Cow.__"_

"_I like it better than dying!__"_

"_We__'__re not going to die.__" __Sam leaned over in her seat. __"__We__'__re going to be just fine. We__'__re going to take my mother__'__s car__, go for a joy ride, come right back, maybe walk to your apartment if my mom and her boy toy are still, um, having fun, and then go to sleep. Then brag to Freddie that we took a joy ride in my mom__'__s convertible and stick the water faucet down his pants if he gives us a lecture on safety._

_I closed my eyes, inhaled deeply, and hopped in the seat next to Sam. __"__I__'__m only in here cause you__'__re wasting gas.__"_

"_Nah, you__'__re finally in here because you don__'__t want me to sexually harass Freddie. You__'__re a good friend.__"_

"_I still don__'__t understand why you__'__re interested in Freddie__'__s__ manly parts.__" __I said, with my eyes still shut and my fists clenched to the sides of the car as I felt Sam start to drive._

"_We__'__re 16, Carls.__" __Sam laughed. __"__You can say -__"_

"_Eyes on the road!__"_

"_You can__'__t even see if my eyes aren__'__t on the road. Yours are clenched shut!__"_

_I shakily opened one eye and saw Sam__'__s own eye dangerously close to mine. _

"_Eyes on the road!__" __I repeated louder, shutting my eyes again._

"_Oh __come on__, Carly!__" __Sam said stopping the car. I peaked out of one eye and saw the flash of the red light. __"__This is so much fun!__"_

"_We__'__re going to die.__"_

"_Don__'__t be so poptimistic.__"_

"_Pessimistic!__" __I corrected her, finally opening one eye longer than three seconds. __"__Please don__'__t crash.__"_

_The light turned green and Sam turned right, turning into the country roads by her house._

"_Oh I won__'__t crash now,__" __A mysteriously, wild glint came into her eyes. __"__We__'__re in the woodsy part of Seattle now!__"_

"_Oh my God. Dear Lord, I am so, so, so sorry for all the sins I have done in my life -__"_

"_Carly, we__'__re __not__ going to die. I__'__ve done this before with Melanie -__"_

"_And you wonder why she always wants to go to the movies when she comes home for a visit?__"_

"_- And we obviously didn__'__t die. So open your other eye and live tonight!__"_

_Her happiness and carefree attitude was slowly becoming contagious. I opened my other eye and exhaled. Sam was driving at a perfect pace so that the summer wind ran marathons through our hair. The cool breeze felt wonderful against my face and I hesitantly threw one hand up in the air._

"_Woo! Look at Carly Shay, living!__" __Sam looked over her shoulder and gave me a winning smile._

_I half-smiled in response and threw my other hand up. __"__Woo.__"_

"_Get more excited about it!__"_

"_Woo!__" __I finally let out a little laugh. I looked over at Sam, who was so suddenly focused on the road,__ and laughed harder._

_She looked over her shoulder again. __"__What?__"_

"_You look so serious.__" __I threw my hands up higher and screamed louder, __"__Woo-hoo! This is fun!__"_

_Sam smiled. __"__I told you!__"_

_Suddenly Sam pressed harder on the gas, sending us flying forward. I was still screaming bloody murder when Sam returned to our normal speed._

"_What the hell was that, Puckett?__" __I demanded, throwing a hand over my ever-budding chest._

"_Oh my God, Carly Shay swore.__" __Sam said sarcastically. She looked over at me and began to laugh again. __"__You look hilarious!__"_

"_You really want me dead.__"_

"_I want you to __live__ this summer Carly! We__'__re about to head into our junior year. The year where you and Freddie are going to tutor me for SAT__'__s and we__'__re going to start looking at colleges and we__'__re going to give Briggs and Howard a hell of a year.__" __Sam threw her head back and let loose another __"__Woo-hoo!__"_

_I rolled my eyes and smiled. __"__It__'__s really going to be one hell of a year, isn__'__t it?__"_

_Little did we know how __**right**__wrong we were._

* * *

><p>Sam smirked at the memory. <em>"<em>_And we didn__'__t die, did we? Well...not at that particular situation.__"_

The smile fell from my face as I slid the shirt over my hand, being careful of the freshly done curls. "Yeah. It was a crazy night, wasn't it? Remember what Freddie said when we told him -"

"Carly!" Missy shouted from the other side of the door. "I need the bathroom!"

I turned back to the toilet but Sam had already disappeared.

* * *

><p>Madame Grey wasn't very pleased to see me the next day for our session.<p>

Then again, I hadn't seen her pleased at all.

"May I come in?" I remembered to ask before stepping inside.

Madame Grey looked up and nodded. "I do hope you are here to stay this time, Miss Shay."

I looked away for an escape route. "Bad memories. Needed some air."

"Your bad memories needed some air?"

Was it weird I was beginning to like this woman less and less?

"What I meant was -"

"I understand what you were trying to say. In the future, I do expect you to continue using proper grammar. Please have a seat, Miss Shay."

"Do you always address people by their last titles?" I asked still standing.

"Excuse me?"

"Do you call Lily, Miss Grey? Despite the fact she's your daughter?" I inquired further, quite aware I was pushing her buttons.

"This is _your_ session, _Carly._ We need not explore my personal details." She said my name as if it were from the sewer and she was forced to eat it.

"Lily's _my_ friend. I was curious." I simply said, finally sitting down.

The look on her face convinced me we liked each other as much as Angelina Jolie and Jennifer Aniston liked each other.

"I address Lillian as Miss Grey, regardless of her personal ties to myself." Madame Grey claimed her seat across from me. "Now. How have you been feeling?"

_Like shit. Like hell. Like a taco truck had decided to run over Freddie instead of me, sending him to the hospital._

"Fine."

Madame Grey raised her eyebrow. Silence draped itself over us, consuming the room.

"Okay. So maybe not _fine_ but I'm not, like, suicidal."

Madame Grey continued to look at me. "Suicide is not a joke, Miss Shay. How have things been with your family?"

I recalled my conversation with Spencer last night. "Spencer's doing fine. It's been pretty quiet obviously. He said...he said he misses me."

"What about Angie?"

Now it was my turn to raise my eyebrow and swallow down the bitter taste of disgust coating my tongue. "Angie?"

"Your new sister in law? Or soon-to-be." Madame Grey looked at her clipboard.

"I didn't ask."

"I sense tension."

"You sense nothing."

Madame Grey fell silent again as she raised her eyes up to look at me.

"I don't mean to snap, Madame." I sighed, not feeling particularly sorry. "I'm obviously not Angelina Harris' biggest fan."

Madame Grey scribbled something on her clipboard. "Would you like to further explain?"

* * *

><p>"<em>Tell me,<em>_" __Sam and her drink asked me. __"__Why __do__ you hate her?__"_

_I sighed before answering. __"__Although I__'__m happy Spencer__'__s happy and all__…__but I just can__'__t like her like he does. He and I were always the only two in the house and now she came along. Spencer was always the father I never had __– __because you know how my dad__'__s away under sea and stuff __– __and I feel like__…"_

"_She__'__s trying to be your mother?__" __Sam finished for me._

_I nodded but didn__'__t say anything else._

"_If Angie ever tries to take that spot, you__'__re not going to do the corny thing and accept it. You__'__re going to put her right back in her spot __– __Spencer__'__s __girl__friend. Not Mommy Dearest, not Mother, not Mom, but __Angie__.__" __Sam instructed me._

* * *

><p>"I feel like we didn't get to know each other enough before she became my soon to be sister in law."<p>

Madame Grey nodded. "Mhm. Did she also encourage you to come here?"

"Encourage? Isn't that supposed to be an endearing term?" I frowned, my anger bubbling into a hurricane. I stood up and began pacing. "I _never wanted_ to come here. I was perfectly fine back home until stupid _Angie_ comes along and ships me off to this boarding school! _Then_, do you know what else happened? _Then _I learn she decides to rip apart the most meaningful thing in my life to me! She _tore_ down my iCarly studio! "Carly won't mind if I use this as my art studio" she tells my brother in her stupid nasally voice. She _tore apart _all of my favorite memories and replaced them with _paintbrushes_!"

Madame Grey took all of this in with silence. "This made you feel angry, didn't it?"

I felt the anger threatening to pour out of my mouth, in curse words, in regrets, in despair, in misery, in words I needed to keep locked inside my mind. They threatened to cloud around Madame Grey and choke her until she looked like a crushed up soda can.

Instead of releasing my anger, I kept it in. I sat back down and zipped my lips shut for the rest of the session.

* * *

><p><em>ring<em>

_ring_

_ring_

_ring_

"_YO. It__'__s the Gibs. Leave me a message and I__'__ll think about responding. Oh PS? My mom thinks I__'__m awesome!__"_

"Hi Gibby, it's me again. Listen I _know_ you're angry with me and you have every right to be, just _please_ talk to me? I honestly meant it when I said -"

"Hey Carly!" Lily Grey burst into my room, a dazzling, devilish smile stretched across her lips.

I hung up the phone. It's not like he cared anyways.

"Hey Lily."

"Ready to head to dinner? I was just on my way there and thought I'd come by your room first."

"Do you have a car?" I asked her abruptly, watching her eyebrows rise in suspicion or surprise. I found I liked her better when she didn't look like she was about to ruin my life.

"Technically, it's mine. I'm not allowed to drive it a lot considering we're locked in hell but I do. It's a convertible." She bragged the last part and gave me a knowing wink.

"Even better." I smirked and whispered to her my plan.

"And you're sure your mom won't care?" I asked her again as I stuck Lily's keys in the ignition.

Lily turned to me and gave me a look. "I don't care if she does. This sounds fun!"

She hadn't stopped giggling like a little child since we walked out of New Horizons. Lily was already a wild child, but she needed someone to execute her wild adventures with. I was more than happy to take that place, if it meant not having to deal with Sam for a little while.

_I__'__m sorry - was that harsh?_

"Trust me, it is." I started the car and backed out of the parking lot. "Do you know where the nearest country roads are?"

Lily looked as if I'd grown three heads. "No idea. I haven't stepped foot outside of there in a long time."

"Perfect. We'll just drive on the open highway." I smirked at her, hoping she couldn't sense my fear. Lily's eyes glittered as she let loose a sultry cackle.

Once I managed to get back onto the roads, I stepped on the pedal and thew one hand in the air. "Woo-hoo!"

Lily raised her eyebrow. She then considered this and threw both her hands up in the air.

"Yeah buddy!"

In her dark blue convertible, we turned onto the highway into the orange and purple sunset. There wasn't much traffic which allowed us to speed at free will, the wind dancing across my skin and whipping my hair against my back.

Lily turned toward me, with a serious look on her face and commanded, "Drive faster."

Old Carly wanted to protest that we would die and should slow down and go back. New Carly wanted to drive faster.

I pressed my foot harder to the pedal and felt the car speed up. The faster we went, the faster my heart seemed to want to jump outside of my body.

"I feel so _free_! Oh my God, Carly, we _have_ to do this more often!" Lily threw both of her hands up in the air and laughed loudly, her head back and eyes closed.

I remembered being sixteen and in her seat. I remembered the feeling of being invincible.

I shook away the memory and let the wind flow through my hair. I was eighteen now and I was in the driver's seat.

Things change.

* * *

><p><strong>I hope this was worth the wait! I<strong>**'****ll be updating every Thursday night until this is finished, I promise. : )**


	8. Come Out Wishing Star

**To the anon review - no, there is no bright side to anorexia. However, many people don****'****t understand how dangerous this eating disorder is. The first story barely covered how detrimental anorexia can be. This story goes a bit further, I think.**

**I****'****m back with the weekly chapter update! Hope you guys are enjoying it.**

* * *

><p><em>This innocence is brilliant<em>

_I hope that it will stay_

_This moment is perfect_

_Please don't go away_

_Avril Lavigne **Innocence**_

The next morning, a searing pain soared throughout my forehead and I felt a sharp stomach pang. I felt like fireworks had exploded inside my body and I was releasing very painful sparks into the air around me.

The night before, I had been out with Lily and we hadn't eaten a thing, even though I promised her I'd buy her dinner. I'd managed to distract her by driving us to the mall and window shopping past all the skinny mannequins and pointing out cute boys.

When we snuck back to the dorm after midnight, I couldn't fall asleep because my stomach was begging me for food and I was trying to pretend I couldn't hear it. Come morning, I was sleep deprived, bleary eyed, and I felt _dead_.

I dragged myself out of the stiff bunk bed and climbed into the shower. I let small drops of rain fall down my face as the scalding hot water poured down my back.

I missed Sam. I missed Freddie. I missed Gibby. I missed Spencer. I missed Principal Franklin. I missed T-Bo. I missed Wendy. I missed my father. I missed my _mother_.

The drizzles soon turned into a heavy rain pour. I couldn't stop the sobs as they racked out of my body and I felt snot come out of my nose.

I was disgusted with myself and my body.

I thanked the stars Missy had decided to go to breakfast early with a friend. I raked my fingers through my somewhat healthier hair and conditioned it deeply.

"_Come out moon, come out wishing star, come out, come out...wherever you are.__"_ I sang softly to myself, as if my mother's lovely angelic voice was whispering in my ear as she conditioned my hair. _"__I__'__m out here in the dark, all alone and wide awake, come and find me.__"_

_Someone please find me._

* * *

><p>Lily was grinning from head to toe when I walked up to our table for breakfast.<p>

"Last night was _so_ much fun, Carly!" Her sultry voice exclaimed giddily. "I love you!"

"What did you guys do?" Caitlin asked nonchalantly.

She wasn't hiding her jealousy very well. Her cheeks were about as green as her kale smoothie.

Lily ignored her and smirked at me. "We have to do it again. Please?"

"Let's do it tonight." I shrugged and gave her a little wink. "What do you say?"

"What did you guys do?" Ally giggled as she repeated Caitlin's question.

Lily rolled her eyes and sighed dramatically, as if they had been interrogating her. "We had _fun_. Ever heard of it, girls? Thought so. Now stop eavesdropping and eat. By the way Kate, did you give Ally back her diamond bracelet?"

The friendly, jealousy filled atmosphere quickly disappeared. Ally dropped her fork on the table and glared hard at the other blonde. "_You_ stole my bracelet? Bitch!"

"Don't call me a bitch, I didn't even take it!" Caitlin fired back, her fingers tightly gripping her own fork.

I began to wonder how much it would hurt if someone stabbed you viciously with a fork.

"Are you saying I'm a liar, Caitlin?" Lily asked dangerously, tossing her hair to the side and facing Caitlin.

Caitlin didn't turn to look at her but kept her lips pursed shut. "No."

"So you did take it?"

"No!"

Lily narrowed her eyes, which had gotten stormy. "_Stop_ lying."

"Okay, fine!" Caitlin surrendered, throwing her hands up in the air. She narrowed her eyes and glared back at Ally. "I _did_ take it. Whatcha gonna do now?"

Instead of focusing her anger on Lily, she had fired at Ally, who rightfully frowned. "What am I gonna do?"

Caitlin cockily raised her eyebrow. "Are you mad I stole your bracelet?"

"Yes!"

"Too bad. Because I _lost _it." Caitlin said breezily, with an evil grin.

Lily rolled her eyes while Ally's widened to the size of planet Jupiter. By this point, any trace of friendliness had disappeared and my stomach was feeling a bit queasy. "_What_?"

The other girls started to look at our table. I buried my face in my hair and tried not to deeply inhale the smell of my lemon conditioner.

I strongly missed lunches at Ridgeway High School with Sam, Freddie, Gibby, and Wendy.

"Lost it." Caitlin sung in a pretty high octave. I would've smiled at her pretty voice if it hadn't been for the cruel circumstances.

"I _hate _you." Ally promised her with dangerously, narrowed, brown eyes. She picked up her empty tray and threw it in the trash next to us. She then stormed out of the cafeteria.

Lily noticed the other girls staring at our conversation and noticeably tensed.

"Are you okay?" I asked.

Lily ignored my question and glared pointedly at Kristina Glass. "She's staring at me.

"A lot of people are staring at you."

"Yeah but she does it _all_ the time." Lily had begun to get a little pale and I was starting to become concerned for her for once.

She snapped out of the trance and ordered Caitlin to apologize.

Caitlin looked confused and insulted. "Why should I? She called me a bitch."

"Because you lied about losing her bracelet." Lily said, as if that had been the most obvious thing in the world. "And you were mean to her. Go. Apologize."

Caitlin quietly stood up and threw away her trash. She left out the door Ally had gone through and followed her trail.

I could tell apologizing was the last thing she'd do.

I frowned and ignored the fact that Lily had orchestrated the whole blowout. "Why were they so mean to each other?" I asked.

Lily shrugged and swallowed some of her hash browns. "Cause they're dumb? Don't worry about it. They'll be the best of friends tomorrow. Or even this afternoon."

My frown deepened. "But _how_?"

Lily looked at me and raised her eyebrow. "You've never encountered psychos before?"

"I mean sure but -"

"Yeah, yeah." Lily waved her hand. "Just before you came Caitlin "borrowed" Ally's lipstick and forgot to put it back. Now mind you, this was Ally's favorite lipstick because her favorite aunt gave it to her, before she died. This aunt made Ally feel like she was special. So when Caitlin didn't give it back ,and even threw it in the trash, Ally swore she'd kill her. But then they were the best of friends two hours later."

I practically didn't hear the rest of the story. "How do you know everything?"

Lily cackled and her sultry voice returned. "I know _everything_, darling."

"Is that why you're here?"

Lily didn't glare at me but I swore for a second she tensed and her eyes widened in fear. She relaxed a moment later and smirked her evil grin. "Nope. But it's a gift, isn't it?"

"Why's Caitlin here?"

"Oh the poor dear. She saw her brother get shot on his 16th birthday. He was autistic, you know. But she truly loved him for who he was, even though their parents sniffed at him in disdain. She treasured him and was absolutely devastated when he died." Lily chewed her scrambled eggs carelessly.

I stared at my bacon strips and thought I was about to dry heave. "Oh my God."

"But it's a filthy lie."

"_What_?"

Lily almost choked on laughter. "Maybe I'm just as good an actress as Caitlin is a liar. Caitlin's a pathological liar, you see. She couldn't tell the truth to save her pitiful life."

I frowned before blinking at least 50 times, trying to take everything in. "Oh. Why's Ally here?"

Lily sighed. "It's a tragic story, really. Poor Ally suffers from bipolar disorder and has to take these pretty pills every night to keep her moods in control. Except it makes her ditzy, she's weird. So people used to bully her relentlessly before she tried to commit suicide. Her parents found her in the bathroom with a bottle of pills but Ally pretended she didn't know what was going on. Being dumb I think is her way of pretending she's okay."

"So she's not really that dumb?" I asked.

"No she is," Lily shrugged. "But she's also just really good at hiding the smart part of her."

I wondered if she was haunted.

Like me.

* * *

><p><em>(Three weeks later)<em>

I was waiting _(_im_)_patiently by Madame Grey's office when Lily Grey appeared from behind me, a giant smile on her face. I could have sworn she just opened the office door and closed it.

"Where _were_ you? I've been waiting for forty five minutes." I told her crossly, knowing better to not snap at Lily.

Lily ran her fingers through her rumpled, beachy, blonde waves, her grin wider than ever. She leaned in close to me, drunk off of some kind of euphoria, and whispered giddily, "I was with a boy."

"How were you with a -"

Lily shushed me with her fingers, her pretty blue eyes widening in panic. "My mom will hear you!"

I mouthed the words. "How were you with a boy?"

Lily leaned in closer to me and I could smell the familiar _Axe_ scent, Freddie used to wear.  
>I wondered if she was with him.<p>

"I know...a secret way out of here."

My eyes widened and my heart danced slower. "Where?"

Lily gave me a once-over, as if deciding if I were worthy of this knowledge. "I know you won't tell Al or Kate...but you have to _promise_ not to tell Missy."

"I promise."

"Pinky swear it." Lily raised her little pinky.

I linked my pinky with hers, linking our souls. I had a strange feeling I had just made a deal with the devil.

"Now tell me. You got to the boys campus?" I whispered. I didn't lean in close to her, worried that she might be repulsed by _desperateness_ and _vanilla._

Lily nodded excitedly. "If you sneak into this office, there's an exit in the bathroom. You have to have keys, though. My mom doesn't know I own a pair."

"Can I borrow one?" I whispered, my hopes already rising up in my chest. "Please Lily? I promise I won't tell anyone."

Lily frowned and pursed her lips like an upset two year old. "You're supposed to come with me to my session. You promised that."

"I meant, _after_ your session." I reassured her, still _really_ not wanting to go to her session. "Can I borrow them tonight?"

Lily considered my plea for a moment before pulling the pair out of her pocket. "Don't lose them. If you do, I'll kill you."

I didn't doubt her for a second.

Madame Grey poked her head out of the office. "I thought I heard voices. You decided to bring someone to your session, Miss Grey?"

"Yes, _mom_." Lily pushed her buttons. "I brought _Carly_. She's going to help me with our trust exercises."

_Trust exercises_? Just as I thought I would _finally_ learn Lily's secrets, I learned I was supposed to _trust_ her with my life.

* * *

><p>That night, I waited until I heard Missy's soft snores. I quietly pushed the covers off my suddenly cold body and tip toed out of bed. I walked on my toes until I reached the door and quietly turned the knob.<p>

The doorknob creaked open, but thankfully Missy didn't stir. I quickly put myself on the other side of the door and shut it silently.

I ran down the hall, in my socks, not making a sound. I passed by sleeping princesses with broken hearts, locked carefully in their towers, by their evil step mothers and made my way to Madame Grey's office.

According to Lily, she would be in her own master dormitory room where she could finally take a break from being Madame Grey.

I slipped the key into the lock and turned it skillfully. I opened the door silently and crept into her office. I turned around -

"_And __don__'__t__ forget to lock the door too!__" __Lily hissed at me after her session. We had just finished her __"__trust__" __activities and were on our way back to Lily__'__s dorm. __"__Sometimes my mother goes back to her office and she__'__ll be expecting the door to be locked. So don__'__t forget to lock it! If you do - I__'__ll kill you.__"_

and locked the door. I didn't take the risk of turning on the lights so I used my phone light to find the bathroom door. It took me a minute to find it and I slipped the same key into the same lock.

The bathroom door opened with a loud creak but it didn't matter since I was alone. I closed the bathroom door and locked that too so I wouldn't have to hear Lily's mouth the next day.

This time I turned on the bathroom light and the exit door was in my face. Literally - in my face.

I stuck a different key out in front of me and opened the door. I felt the cool October breeze brush on my face. I inhaled and stepped outside. According to Lily, I didn't need to lock this one. I still locked it.

"_Okay so once you__'__re outside, go straight through the paths of trees. Don__'__t worry - there__'__s never anybody or anything creepy there.__"_

I inhaled again and without thinking, I just ran. I ran into the dark paths of trees where ghosts were reaching their hands out to grab my hair, my clothes, my body. I didn't look around me, I just ran straight for the light at the end of my path.

"_Then once you see __"__the light__" __(_insert giggles_) keep going straight. Don__'__t worry about the light, it__'__s basically a lamp post. Anyway, once you get to the lamp post keep going straight and you__'__ll basically run into a door. That__'__s the bathroom door you__'__re going to use to get in.__"_

I wasn't a huge fan of this lamp post and men's bathroom door business but Lily insisted she _never _got caught so I took her word for it. I walked up to the lamp post and caught my breath, exhaling deeply. Once my breathing returned to normal I walked straight - and like Lily promised - right into the men's bathroom door.

"_Now use the third key and open the door. Use your phone for light.__"_

I slid the last key into the lock and opened the door carefully. "This is creepy," I muttered to myself. I turned on my phone light and almost came face to face with a urinal.

I clamped my hand over my mouth to keep from gagging.

"_The bathroom door obviously isn__'__t locked so just go out there. Still, don__'__t turn on the office lights. Then use the same third key to open the office door and make sure to __lock it__ once you get it, okay?__"_

I followed Lily's instructions. I used my phone to open the door and close it behind me. I used the small light to find the office entrance door. Unlocking it, I made it officially into the boys campus.

"_Once you__'__re there, you__'__ll find the dorms by alphabetical order like here. Who are you looking for?__"_

I shined my phone light on the nearest dorm room. _432._

"_Benson? His room should be...hmm, around the 800__'__s. Let me check my phone, I have them all recorded. I know it__'__s weird, like backwards alphabetical order. Whatever. Oh! He__'__s in room 891._"

I turned right and continued down that side of the hallway. For what felt like _ages_, I walked silently like a mouse. I crept closer to the doors and looked for Freddie's dorm.

_888...889...890...891._

I inhaled a deep breath and quietly turned the doorknob. The lights were off, except for a lamp light in the back of the room. I pushed the door open and noticed a back facing me, on his computer. He didn't notice as I came in and shut the door behind me.

"I always knew you stayed up late in the nights, editing your videos and shit." I whispered, not wanting to wake up Freddie's roommate.

Freddie sharply turned around. "_Carly?__"_

"I Carly. Ha, get it? iCarly?"

Freddie didn't laugh. I wanted to assume it was because he hadn't caught onto my joke just yet. "What are you doing here? How'd you find me?"

"Presumably the same way you found me, which I'm still curious about by the way. Wanna swap stories?" I suggested as Freddie came closer to me.

We were standing inches apart. "Janitors closet."

He reached his hand, brushing past my arm, and opened the door. I moved out of the way as Freddie lead us away from his dorm room and down the same hallway I just came through. Freddie pushed open another door and lead us inside.

"Why are you here?" Freddie said unpleasantly. "I thought we were done talking."

"_You_ were done talking." I reminded him, feeling a lot more confident than I had in ages. Maybe it was because my stomach was almost concave and the flab that The Make Carly Fat Team had instituted in my arms was nearly gone. "I'm not."

"There's nothing more to say, Carly." Freddie glared.

"Yes, there is." I said not letting his anger get to me. "I didn't mean to hurt Gibby and you know it. You've always known it, but you just hate me because you believe I killed Sam."

"You _did_."

"Not with my bare hands!"

Freddie took a deep breath and looked away from me. "You didn't stop her."

"No, I didn't." I admitted out loud, while sharp pains struck at my heart and hot tears threatened to pool up in eye sockets. "But would she have stopped me?"

Freddie whirled around to look me in the eyes, his eyes full of anger, betrayal, and pure _pain_. "You're really pinning this back on a _dead_ girl? What is -"

"Sam's dead, Freddie!" I shouted at him, my voice filled with anger, sadness, lust. "But we're not."

His glarepierced my body like _a thousand grains of salt pouring into my cuts_. "That's not _my_ fault -"

I didn't let him finish his sentence. I crashed my lips upon his and willed fireworks to happen.

Freddie pushed me back off of him in record time. "What the hell are you doing?"

"Pretend I'm Sam." I said breathlessly. "Pretend she's still alive through me and I'll do the same."

"Is there something you need to tell me?" I almost felt Freddie's sarcasm coming back.

"No." I rolled my eyes. "You were the closest person to Sam besides me. I can almost pretend she's here with me too."

_like she doesn__'__t hate me for being the reason she__'__s dead_

_like she__'__s not a ghost_

Freddie shook his head. "That's not fair to Sam. I don't love you the way I loved her."

"Pretend I'm not Carly." I begged. "Please pretend I'm Sam."

"I won't."

"You have to. For the both of us?"

"How does this benefit _me_ in any way? You just want to mess around with my feelings too and then dump me with no warning." Freddie's brown eyes were swirling around with more anger.

I crumbled down to the floor. "I don't _know_ anymore, Freddie. I just don't _know._ Why can't I do anything right anymore? I came here tonight because I missed us, Freddie. I missed our friendship. If there's anything I can fix here, here in stupid Boston, I'm going to try it. I'm going to try to fix it, Freddie."

After a long moment's hesitation, Freddie reached out his hand to help me up. As soon as I was back on my feet, I nearly stumbled back over.

I don't remember kissing anyone with such passion, such lust, such hope...

_that wasn__'__t even there._

We pulled apart for air and I grabbed his hand. "Can you like me again? As friends?"

"We're _not_ friends." Freddie declared, his eyes still hard and his hand stiff. "We're just...people of the past."

"People of the past...with benefits?"

Freddie's face threatened to break out into a grin but he managed to keep himself together. "Limited. People of the past with _limited_ benefits."

My smile stretched across my face wide enough for the both of us. I wanted to reach out and hug him again but I stuck to a simple handshake.

"That's good enough for now."

* * *

><p>"Can you pass me my hairbrush?" I asked Missy, who straightening her luscious lengthy red locks.<p>

"Where were you last night?" Missy asked me in return as she passed me the item.

"What?"

"I woke up in the middle of the night and you were gone." Missy told me, focused on her appearance in the mirror beside her bed. "I waited up for like, an hour, but you didn't come. I fell asleep and when I woke up, you were here this morning."

"I was out." I wanted to tell Missy where I was but Lily had me at death's threat. "I was out with Lily."

Missy's upper lip curled. "Lily Grey? One of the girls you have to sit with at mealtime? You spend an awful lot of time with her."

"She's my _friend_."

Missy didn't seem fazed as she turned off her flat iron and turned to me. "She's bad news, that's what she is. She sticks her pointy nose in everyone's business and thinks she's the shit."

"You sound like you don't like her." I said innocently from my bed, watching Missy.

"I don't. She thinks she knows everything about everyone when in reality, she knows nothing." Missy said curtly.

"She knows a lot of things about you."

Missy rolled her eyes and pulled her hair back into a ponytail. "You shouldn't get so close to her Carly. She's bad news."

"You said that already."

"She'll just bring you down with her. You know how long she's been here?" Missy asked me, putting her hand on her hip and looking me straight in the eyes.

I shook my head.

"Four years." Missy whispered as if someone else were in the room. "She's been here that long."

"_How long have you been working at New Horizons?__" __I asked, trying to fill the empty void in the car. _

"_Four years.__"_

"Did Madame Grey come here because of Lily?" I asked Missy.

Missy shrugged. "I don't pretend to know everything, Carly. But I do know you should stay away from her."

_Was it weird I wanted to be even closer to Lily?_

* * *

><p><strong>Hopefully you don<strong>**'****t hate the Freddie/Carly affair. It****'****s not going to turn into anything serious or be a primary focus, so don****'****t worry. I****'****ll explain it a little more as the story develops.**

**Let me know what you think so far! I wrote the majority of this story three years ago and I****'****ve only done minor edits to it so far. Hopefully you like it! :)**


	9. The Crazy Kids

_Tonight we do it big, and shine like stars_

_And we don__'__t give a fuck cause that__'__s just who we are_

_And we are, we are we are, we are we are,_

_The crazy kids, them crazy, them crazy kids_

_Kesha __**Crazy Kids**_

* * *

><p>"<em>Carly Shay, life <em>_and__ boyfriend-stealer._" Sam whispered in my ear as I'd dozed off in chemistry.

I jumped a little, startling Lily and prompting her to give me a _"What the hell" _look.

I raised my hand.

"Yes Carly?" Mrs. David sighed, taking a break from discussing the irrelevant difference between molarity and molality.

"May I please go to the bathroom?"

"Yes Carly." Mrs. David sighed again and went back to her chemistry lesson.

Ignoring Lily's questioning look, I got up and left the classroom. Sam materialized next to me and stayed silent on our little quest to the bathroom.

Once we were inside, I locked us in a stall. "I beg your pardon?"

"_Think you can just replace me by kissing Freddie and kissing up to my look alike?_" Sam raised her eyebrow as she sat on the toilet. Even though Sam wasn't there, the stall was still too small and I began to feel lightheaded. _"__Might as well go and video chat Melanie.__"_

"You're sitting on a toilet." I said as if that were really the most absurd thing in the world at the moment.

Sam titled her head to the side and gave me a look. "_Yeah and you__'__re talking to someone who__'__s not even here. Who__'__s really the crazy one?__"_

"I'm not weird."

"_Oh and you__'__re not crazy either, that__'__s what the shrinks said right?__" _Sam pressed, standing up and removing whatever little space we had in the first place. _"__You__'__re perfectly fine. You just had a stressful period in your life, that__'__s what they all say. Your family__'__s not really fucked up either, it__'__s just your image of society__'__s perfection. Everything is going to be just fine, right? You__'__re not going to die at 18__.__"_

I pursed my lips and bit back the waterfall threatening to pour over. _It wasn__'__t supposed to be like this, _I bitterly thought as memories of Sam and I watching Girly Cow marathons at 3am in the morning, just simply enjoying each other's presence fluttered into my heart. _It was supposed to be us against the world_, as we took on college and boys and the real world.

I couldn't do this by myself.

"Everything was supposed to be just fine. Everything was supposed to be alright. You know that."

"_That__'__s why we__'__re all here, isn__'__t it? That__'__s why Freddie__'__s across the street, waiting for you to come along and fuck with his feelings? That__'__s why Lily__'__s sitting next to you in chemistry class, waiting for you to ask to be science partners? Everything was supposed to be just fine.__"_

"Why are you being so mean to me?" I asked softly, fearing I had heard someone come in the bathroom. _"_You were never mean to me. You never hit me, you never hurt me, you never - why are you being so mean?"

Sam gave me a cold, hard glare before claiming, _"When I was alive, we were best friends__. Or so, I thought.__" _And then she was gone again.

Just like she had never been there in the first place.

I escaped from the stall of hell and out of the too small bathroom.

"_Carly, you don__'__t harbor feelings that you were the reason Miss Puckett is dead, do you?__"_

I started walking down the hallway back to the science class. I never realized how white the hall walls were.

"_Should I?__"_

"_Oh absolutely not! You and Miss Puckett -__"_

"_Sam. Everyone called her Sam.__"_

"_You and Sam made your own decisions. Unfortunately, Mi- Sam__'__s decisions cost her, her life. You don__'__t have to make the same decisions.__"_

I passed by a classroom where all the lights were off and a dim light was emitting. I wanted to peak in and see what movie they were watching but I didn't want anyone to think I was snooping.

"_But I should have told someone. I shouldn__'__t have let my fears of her telling someone about me distract me from doing the right thing.__"_

"_I__'__ve been wondering about that, Carly. And if you don__'__t mind me asking, you seemed to have known you should have done this all along. What was stopping you?__"_

{actually, i do mind you asking.}

I got back to my chemistry classroom and sat back down next to Lily.

"Did I miss anything?"

* * *

><p><em>tick...tock...tick...tock...tick...tock<em>

Madame Grey picked up coffee cup, took sip, set it back down.

_tick...tock...tick...tock...tick...tock_

Carly Shay picked up strand of hair, played with it, put it back in it's place.

_tick...tock...tick...tock...tick...tock_

After a full ten minutes have passed, Madame Grey sighed and looked at me. "I take it you'd rather talk about anything other than Gibby?'

{took you long enough, bitch.}

I nodded my head.

Madame Grey peers back at her clipboard. "Well what would you like to talk about, Carly? After all these are your sessions."

"I don't need these sessions."

Madame Grey groans audibly, _incredibly un lady-like. _"Every student here at New Horizons is required to take a therapy course. Even _Lily_ takes one."

"I know. I came with her for a _trust_ exercise."

"You know Carly, if I feel you've talked enough about what haunts you about your past," Madame Grey started to say, leaning forward. "I could give you a credit for passing this course."

I sat there for a moment in silence. "Are you bribing me?"

"Depends on what one would call bribing. I'm merely providing you with information I believe you would find valuable."

I laughed drily. "You know something funny? When we first met, I thought you didn't like me. But I dismissed it because it was late at night and you'd rather be asleep. But then I realized as our sessions continued, you really don't like me. May I ask why?"

"I do not hold personal feelings against any student here, Carly."

"What about Lily?"

"She is my daughter, yes. She is also a student here."

"I've always been wondering you know, why is she here?"

"As a student, she has the right to privacy."

I shrugged and leaned back casually in my armchair. "Just curious. She just seems so perfect on the outside, doesn't she?"

"We will not continue to talk about Miss Grey -"

"Well Lily's my friend." I countered with a smirk, positive I had gotten on her nerves. "And I want to talk about Lily."

"Do you _always_ have to go against what I say, Carly?"

* * *

><p>"<em>Do you always have to go against what I say, Carly?<em>_" __Sam asked me as we rode backseat in Freddie__'__s mom__'__s Honda. _

"_Only when you're being ridiculous!__" __I laughed as she rolled her eyes._

"_Honestly, skinny dipping in the lake behind the lake house isn__'__t crazy dangerous! Come on, Freddie - you know I__'__m right.__"_

"_Of course he__'__s going to agree with you, he__'__s your boyfriend!__" __I giggled before Freddie could actually say anything. __"__Come on, Gibby. Skinny dipping?__"_

"_It__'__s wrong.__"_

"_Gibby.__" __Sam said__ with a warning tone, sticking her head between Freddie and Gibby__'__s seats._

"_It__'__s fun?__"_

"_Alright you guys,__" __Freddie said, always the mediator. __"__We__'__ll decide how safe - or sanitary! - skinny dipping is when we actually get to the lake house.__"_

_Sam leaned back in her seat. __"__I__'__m so __bored__! How long until we get there?__"_

"_Well now that we__'__re actually in Laguana Beach...hmm, probably about 45 minutes?__" __Freddie calculated stopping a red light._

"_Finally!__" __I exclaimed, stretching out the best I could. __"__I hate driving for days.__"_

"_It__'__s only been a day,__" __Gibby corrected me playfully._

"_And it__'__s been the most boring day of my life!__" _

"_Oh Freddie! Pull over!__" __Sam suddenly instructed him._

_Freddie kept on driving, just a little fazed. __"__Why? What?__"_

_Sam stuck her h__ead back between the two front seats. __"__There__'__s a gas station! I really have to pee.__"_

"_I told you not to drink those three cappuccinos.__" __I told her, shaking my head._

"_Can you wait another 45 minutes?__" __Freddie asked her, still driving behind a red sports car. __"__If I pull over -__"_

"_Please Freddie? I really have to pee.__" __Sam whispered as seductively as she could in his ear._

_Freddie, being the cute pushover he was, obediently stopped the car in the middle of the highway and found a way to pull over to the gas station._

_Sam kissed him on his neck and jumped out of the car, leaving us all to wait._

_Once we actually got to the lake house, we all jumped out and ran inside. The two bedroom/bathroom, kitchen and dining room beauty was totally the worth the $450 we all had to chip in._

_Sam grabbed my shoulder. __"__Look, there__'__s the lake! It__'__s perfect for skinny-dipping!__"_

_Since it was night time, it was hard to figure out where the lake actually was. Thankfully the moonlight shone on the glittery pool, giving me butterflies in my stomach._

"_I don__'__t really want to go skinny-dipping, Sam.__" _

_Truth was, I would do anything to make this winter break unforgettable. But my stomach flab reminded me why I shouldn__'__t have eaten those Fatcakes. _

"_Come on Carls! What__'__s that thing Wendy always says__? Yoho?__"_

"_Yolo. You only live once.__"_

"_Well you do so we__'__re going to go skinny-dipping. Are you coming boys?__"_

_Freddie looked hesitant while Gibby ripped off his shirt. __"__Gibbeh!__"_

_Sam grinned gleefully as she pulled me and Freddie along behind her as we followed Gibby out to the lake. I politely turned away as Gibby stripped himself of his clothes and jumped in the water. We all squealed as the cold water hit us._

_Sam was next. I didn__'__t turn away this time cause I__'__ve already seen the crazy blonde naked. I turned to Freddie who exchanged my look._

_These kids were crazy._

_Sam jumped in after Gibby and they both splashed each other with joy._

"_Should we?__" __Freddie asked me._

"_We should.__" __I told him after inhaling a deep breath._

_We both turned away from each other as we removed our clothes and followed Sam and Gibby in._

_Sam immediately splashed me as I sank in. I laughed all along with her and splashed the three of them all night long._

_When we finally went back in, we were all prune-y and wet. After hot showers, we stayed up talking and laughing and watching Gibby__'__s boxed in edition of __Friends__. _

_I didn__'__t realize at the time how such a simple, calm, wonderful moment could be broken away so quickly and cruelly. I also didn't realize that Sam had gone into the bathroom with bright eyes and beautiful hair and came back out twenty minutes later with dark eyes and hair tucked back behind her ears into a lifeless ponytail._

* * *

><p>I mentally returned back to my session with Madame Grey, who was staring at me expectantly and said, "Yes. Because you're not my mother."<p>

* * *

><p>Lily caught my elbow as I whirled out of Madame Grey's office.<p>

"Whoa there! Guess what, I have the most _brilliant _plan!" Lily giggled, her sultry voice and drunken euphoria alerting me to where she had been during my session.

As of late, I had found Lily constantly by my side, without the overwhelming force of Ally and Caitlin. The only time we ever seemed to be apart were during sessions or curfew - if we felt like obeying it. I'd almost become one of her limbs, something she couldn't seem to live without.

I looked at her quizzically and said with a sigh, "Please tell me it's not stealing Sarah Connors' make-up? Honestly, her stuff doesn't have that much quality."

Lily smirked. "Even better. We're going to get Kate and Al, and sneak out!"

"Out where?"

"To this new Over 21 club one of my boy toys found." Lily explained, hooking her elbow in mine. "I can drive us there after dinner and get us back in time before curfew. Doesn't it sound fun?"

I shrugged. "What about Fake-ID's? I might have left mine back in Seattle -"

"He told me how to get in without anybody noticing." Lily said. "All we have to do is get there!"

Of course Caitlin and Ally were in the minute Lily started talking.

They, like Lily predicted, had made-up the next day and were the best of friends by the time Lily conceived her plan.

"This is so exciting!" Ally giggled, as bitter Boston wind chipped our bare shoulders. "Which boy told you this?"

Lily ignored her as usual and grinned at me in the passengers seat. "Okay so do we look hot or do we look _hot_?"

Lily had dressed us up in the most skimpiest clothing I had ever seen in my life. Caitlin had on a little black dress, that barely went past her crotch and had no sleeves. Ally was wearing a glittery mini-skirt and sheer tube top. I was in ultra-short shorts and a halter top.

Lily looked the most whore-ish out of us all. She was wearing a bright red bandeau with a bright red mini-skirt to match. Her fuck-me-heels matched the color of her lipstick which matched the color of her outfit.

I wondered how long she had waited to wear this.

"So how are we going to get in again?" I asked. I decided my stomach was fighting a battle with me because I had eaten a _whole _turkey sandwich for lunch and not because I was crazy nervous we were about to get caught and sent to juvie.

Wait. Not even juvie because Caitlin, Ally, and I were _eighteen_. So that meant -

I cast Lily a wary glance.

Lily pulled into the driveway of a club with music blaring and lights flashing. I was surprised to see this in the early evening near the corners of Tremont Street.

"Just follow me." Lily said, her sultry voice leading us to our ultimate doom.

I followed closely behind her and restrained myself from pulling down her skirt. Ally and Caitlin followed like lemmings.

She lead us around the back and looked both ways before she stuck a key in the lock. She opened the door and hurried us all inside.

Once we were safely in the dark, Lily giggled as she shut the door.

"This is going to be so -" She had started to say before a bright, red, flashing light went off.

Caitlin's scream was lost in the loud siren sounds that followed.

"Holy _fuck_!" Lily cursed as she tried to open the door again. "It's fucking locked!"

"Windows!" I suggested hastily, my heart beating faster than ever. We were doomed. We were dead meat. We were _such fucking idiots._

We all scurried around the room in our heels, finding no windows. I'd never felt more ridiculous in my face. As a girl who had bared her pubescent years to the public eye on the internet, I had done some pretty ridiculous things.

But this was the worst.

"Well this fucking rocks!" Lily cursed again, trying to open the door. Her sultry voice was gone and her eyes were dark. I did not want to be that boy toy who had set us for failure.

Ally gasped. "Oh no! The security!"

"Hide!" Caitlin yelled a little too loudly.

The security guards barged inside the room and I already knew the battle was over.

So did Lily.

She seemed eerily calm for someone who had just been caught committing a felony. While I was heading towards a mental breakdown like our counterparts, Lily was stoic.

"Hands up! All of you, put your hands up!" One of the guards yelled, handcuffs in his hand.

He walked over to Lily first. "Are you going to cuff me, officer?" She asked in her extra sultry voice.

The officer slid the cuffs over her thin wrists. "What's your name?"

"I want a lawyer."

"You don't get a lawyer. How old are you?" Another guard asked as he came behind and casually brushed his hand against my butt. The cuffs came soon after.

I looked to Lily, who shook her head. "We have a right to silence."

"No you don't!" The security guard behind a shaking Ally said. "You broke into an Over 21 club! And I bet y'all aren't even over 21."

"Please don't arrest us!" Ally wailed.

Lily rolled her eyes. "I want to talk to my mother."

"Where's your mother?"

"New Horizons."

"Your mother works at the place for crazy kids?"

I felt my body tense.

"Works there and lives there with us." Lily glared at the security guard behind us.

The two behind me and Lily exchanged looks as if they said, _of course they snuck in. they__'__re __the__ crazy kids._

The guards lead us back outside but not to Lily's car. Outside, there were two nice shiny police cars waiting for us. Lily and I were thrown into one and Caitlin and Ally in the other.

Lily leaned over and whispered, "I knew it."

"Knew what?"

"Brandon's got it out for me. I'm going to murder him and you're going to be my accomplice."

"_Lil_y_!__" _I hissed, slapping her arm. "You can't say that in a cop car!"

"No talking!" The police officer hissed back at us. "Y'all are in big trouble."

"Yeah, yeah, tell me something I don't know. My mother doesn't scare me and neither do you." Lily snapped. She leaned back over to me and whispered, "Say, you're friends with Freddie right?"

"Do you know what kind of trouble you are in?"

Lily huffed indignantly, surprised that some authority figure had the audacity to speak to her like she wasn't the headmaster's daughter. "The worst that can happen to me is I get another four fucking years at New Horizons with the crazies."

She seemed to hesitate. I studied her face carefully as she frowned and shook her head. "Besides. I don't take orders from fat cops."

I didn't think the police officer took too kindly to that.

**I****'****m going to France tomorrow! I****'****m very excited - I****'****ve been dreaming of going to Paris ever since I was eight years old and fell in love with the city of fashion and love. So I****'****m not be able to update next week because I****'****m not bringing my computer! But that doesn****'****t mean I****'****ve disappeared or forgotten. I****'****m coming back April 26th, so I****'****ll either update that night if I****'****m not hella jet lagged or Monday night and still update on the Thursday of that week, like normal.**

**Hope you liked the chapter! Any feed back is nice :)**


	10. Home is Where the Heart Is

_The world is coming down on me and I can't find a reason to be loved_

_I never wanna leave you but I can't make you bleed if I'm alone_

_Christina Perri **Arms**_

* * *

><p><em>Three months ago, back in September<em>, I got caught with Lily Grey trying to sneak into an over 21 club.

Caitlin Gillies, Ally Grande, Lily Grey and I didn't get into any real trouble though. We were brought back to New Horizons in police cards with flashing sirens and blaring horns and sent to Madame Grey in silver handcuffs that left battle scars on our wrists.

While Madame Grey seethed and demonized in front of us (_"__How could you be so irresponsible! I have never been so furious in my life - you tried to sneak into an over 21 club? You__'__re all under punishment - no leisure time, you__'__re straight to your dorms after mealtimes and therapy sessions! Your guardians will be notified and don__'__t even think for a second I__'__m letting any of you out of my sight for the next three months! I can__'__t even think I__'__m so mad right now)_, the other girls thought we were amazing superheroes.

Whispers traveled around the hall about the fantastic four who had successfully snuck out to _the real world._ Girls I didn't even know started saying hi to me in the hallways, complimenting my thin hair and thin smiles.

Lily soaked up the attention like a pro. I tried to cower back into the shadows.

_(Heroes save people, not kill them.)_

Missy Robinson thought we were crazy.

"What were you thinking Carly? You could have gotten seriously punished -"

"Like I'm not already?" I threw my hands up in surrender and flopped back into my bed, my head throbbing and my heart hurting. Sam would have clapped me on the back and taken me to the Groovy Smoothies for a celebratory "Carly finally did something bad!" drink. "What's the worse that can happen to me now? I stay here another year? Well whoop-de-fucking-do-dah, I'm scared."

Madame Grey continued to yell and yell and yell.

"_Have you learned __anything__ from this? You could__'__ve gotten yourselves arrested or - even worse, killed! I still cannot believe how rashly and irresponsibly you girls acted. Do you have anything to say for yourselves? I want to see all of you every morning at the crack of dawn and right after meal times for extra chores.__"_

Ally and Caitlin were scared and nodded their heads obediently that they would never again do something so stupid.

Lily rolled her eyes and obnoxiously said, "You can't tell me what to do. I don't care if you're my mother and the stupid Headmaster."

I kept my mouth shut. I knew better that time than to make promises I couldn't keep.

_Three months ago, back in September_, was the last time I actually ate a full meal in a full day.

Lily became convenient in ways she never knew she was.

I convinced her all the time to sneak away from the cafeteria and drive fast on the highway or hook up with the New Horizons boys next door or prank girls, like Sarah Connors, on campus.

We were careful this time though. We didn't take Ally or Caitlin. We told them to tell anyone if they asked that we were back in our dorms, catching up on all the homework we were behind on or off doing chores for Madame Grey as punishment.

They were too scared of Madame Grey to ask why.

On the rare occasion, I actually was in the cafeteria, I'd chew with them at lunch but sometimes I didn't swallow. If I swallowed, I might have actually have to talk.

It wasn't very noticeable, but I'd lost a nice 10 pounds.

December came around quickly and I could wear sweatpants and thermal long sleeves. According to Sam, my hair looked better in messy buns anyways. I was disappointed people couldn't see how much I had _improved_ since the dark days when they stuffed me with empty lies and stupid calories. I was back on track - the right track - and I was doing better than ever. Sam helped me with hunger pains - like a true friend would - and showed me how to curl up into a ball, to make the pains less severe and sharp. She browsed through Tumblr with me to look at all the skinny girls for inspiration. She pointed out the areas I needed to work on and coached me through the 50 sit ups I did before going to sleep.

And those times when she disappeared, my heart didn't hurt as much because I knew I'd see her again.

_Three months ago, back in September__, _I finally had my best friend back.

* * *

><p><em>Flash forward to<em>_ December__._

I was so lonely. And bored.

New Horizons had just let out for a three week winter break and Caitlin hopped on a train back to Georgia the minute we were free. I didn't even get a chance to say goodbye.

Missy was taking a plane down to Florida where she'd meet up with her family and they'd all take a cruise to the Bahamas. She would come back the week after New Horizons began its winter session, with a fresh tan and beachy hair.

I refused to succumb to my inner weakness and _beg_ her to take me along. I missed the sun and the sea and boys who didn't really hate me and didn't use me to only numb their pain. I missed foo_d-on__'__t even finish that sentence._

Even Lily had holiday plans. Apparently she was still close with her father after her parents divorced (_you guessed it - four years ago) _and she was going to visit him in New Mexico.

The day before she was due to depart, she tossed her blonde hair over her shoulder as she threw bundles of clothes into the suitcase I was sitting next to on her bed. "Daddy's going to teach me how to ride a horse, he said. I've never ridden a horse. Have you?"

I pretended I wasn't turning green with envy and lied. "Obviously. So overrated."

Freddie and I were supposed to take separate flights back home to Seattle. Then in two weeks, we would take the same flight back to Boston where our respective headmasters would meet us and bring us back to this hellhole.

However Freddie left last week. I had not.

"_Why go back home when you__'__re already making so much progress here?__"__ Sam asked me as I started packing my things._

_I stopped packing, looking carefully at a thin black tank top that would emphasize how much weight I had lost in my arms__.__ I tossed it back inside my closet.__ "__What are you talking about?__"_

"_You__'__re looking healthier than ever. You know Angie and Spencer are just going to make you sad by throwing their engagement in your face and making you eat burnt ham__.__"_

"_I thought you loved Spencer__'__s burnt ham.__"_

"_Loved, as in past tense. Remember?__"_

It wasn't Sam that necessarily caused me to stay behind.

I stayed behind because I didn't want to see the renovations Angie made to my _home_. I didn't want to see a diamond ring sparkling on her finger as she gave me a phony smile and tried to crush me with her bony arms.

Eventually the only people left were me, Sarah Connors, three triplet gingers, and Ally Grande.

I had avoided Ally the minute Lily left us to our own devices. From what I could tell on my forbidden Splashface page, she and Gibby were going "strong". She came by my dorm every night but I pretended I was sleeping and wouldn't answer. I tucked my head under the pillow so I wouldn't have to hear her softly crying.

I had hoped to avoid sessions with Madame Grey - since it was Christmas break, after all - but apparently even though it was holidays, we were required to have one session whenever she was pleased to have one.

She called me in on December 25th.

"May I please come in?" I asked from the doorway, subtly looking around behind me to make sure Ally wasn't in sight.

Madame Grey looked up from her desk as usual and looked at me. "Please do, Carly. I hope you're warm."

Truth is, I was _freezing_. I had on a pair of Missy's thermal underwear and sweatpants and a sweatshirt but I was still shivering. My hands were the equivalent to ice.

I came in and sat down on the usual couch. I wanted to lay down and relax but I refused to let my guard down around Madame Grey.

I didn't need her poking her divorced fingernails in my brain.

"How are you doing Carly?"

"Fine."

"You didn't go home like you were scheduled to." Madame Grey said, getting straight to the point. "It's Christmas. Wouldn't you rather spend it with your family?"

"No."

"You said the same thing around Thanksgiving," She reminded me after a moment's hesitation. "Are you feeling the same as you were three months ago?"

_Three months ago_ I only hated Angie.

_Now_ I loathed her.

"No."

"Care to explain?" Madame Grey explained.

"No."

She didn't ask me another question for ten minutes, I counted the _tick tock tick tock tick tock__'__s. _Instead she bore her eyes into my skull like a bulldozer, hoping to leak out some information.

_too bad i was wearing a hard helmet._

Madame Grey sighed before putting down her clipboard and resting her elbows on the table that divided us. "You know, Carly. Your brother has called me multiple times this past week."

"Really."

She nodded. "He really wants to talk to you but apparently you're not answering your cell phone. You know we don't prohibit use of it."

I almost had the humility to blush. Apparently Spencer asked her about the no cell-phone policy I told him about on Halloween.

"Okay."

"Due to the confidentiality agreements I harbor with my students, I decided to not let him talk to you through me." She continued. "Now I'm beginning to think that was an unwise decision."

I smirked. "I know what you're trying to do. You're trying to get me to talk. Congrats. Now what?"

"Tell me why you do not wish to speak to your brother, your only family who knows you're here."

"Because I don't have to. There's no rule here that says I have to speak to my family, am I wrong?"

"Remember three months ago, I told you about credits?"

"You tried to bribe me."

"Call it what you want. You still haven't earned that credit. You will need to earn it by the end of May."

"Unless you have temporary amnesia, that's still long ways away." For a moment, I could have sworn Lily was in the room with us, her bratty voice she reserved for her mother creeping up behind me.

Then I realized where the bratty voice had come from.

"You also don't earn them by sleeping in class." Madame Grey said her somewhat friendly tone disappearing like Sam. "I've gotten many complaints about you and my daughter either skipping class or sleeping through it. I don't know what's worse."

"Skipping. At least we bother to show up half the times."

Madame Grey raised her eyebrow and didn't speak for three minutes. "Why won't you go home, Carly?"

_because I don__'__t know where home really is anymore, happy?_

I didn't answer. Madame Grey continued to look at me for ten minutes.

"Are you not speaking anymore?"

I didn't answer. I continued to look at her and count the _tick tock, tick tock, tick tock__'__s._

* * *

><p>"<em>If I was your boyfriend, I<em>_'__d never let you -__"_

"Gibby?"

"So you are alive."

I didn't want to admit that the smile that crossed my face was probably bigger than the sun and moon combined. My heart did somersaults and my stomach released its butterflies into the sky.

"I am. You are too." I didn't say it bitterly, I couldn't lose him now. Not after all the phone calls he didn't pick up or the text messages he ignored.

_not when we__'__ve come so far, but not at all._

"You were supposed to come home last week."

"I know. I didn't."

"I know. I noticed."

There was an awkward silence that lasted for 15 seconds. I didn't know what to say. I could tell Sam wanted to cackle.

"So how's Boston?" He finally asked.

I almost wanted to say, _ask Ally_, but I didn't want him to remember she even existed.

"Boring. Cold." I told him. "I'm not sure if I still prefer the Mariners however, the Red Sox have some pretty nice bodies."

I almost heard the ghost of a laugh. "Stick with your home team, Carl."

I didn't tell him that I didn't know where home was. I didn't tell him that Seattle didn't feel like home anymore because everyone and everything I loved felt like they were gone.

I didn't tell him that Sam died in Freddie's bathroom in Seattle or that my mother took too many sleeping pills in my father's bathroom in Seattle.

"I'll try. How's Seattle?"

"Sad. Seems like the world moved on but we didn't."

I didn't understand his metaphor. I wanted to stop time and go to Google Translator. (_Gibby - English: seems like the world moved on but we didn__'__t. Translation: seems like the world moved on but we__'__re still stuck in the past, hoping to change what happened._)

"Will we ever catch a break?"

"We?"

I heard the tone of his voice even if he tried to hide it by saying, "Don't think so."

"What?"

"Don't think so."

"Why did you say we?"

"I was clarifying what you meant."

"No. You were blaming me."

"Carly -"

"Just like Freddie. Do you know how much he _hates_ me?"

"It's understandable."

And just like that, I got my wish. Time stood still and I was finally stuck in the moment. There was no one in the world except me and Gibby, and the only person I really thought I ever loved was blaming for my best friend's death.

_What happened to Carly-Car and holding my hand when I needed help eating an apple? What happened to __"__It's okay. Whenever you__'__re ready, for a relationship, I'll be too. Let's be friends for now. Good friends."_

"What?"

"Let's just move on and talk about something else -"

"No. Because you hate me too."

"I just wanted to talk, Carly."

"So do I. At least I understand why _you_ hate me, but I can't seem to figure a reason around Freddie. And you're saying it's _understandable_?"

"Because it _is_. You killed S-"

He stopped short. He tried to eject the video cassette and put in the rewind machine, but it was broken.

When two people are on the phone and don't speak for 45 seconds - _What is an awkward silence?_

"Finish it." I told him sharply, my voice colder and rawer than I'd ever uttered before. Even I flinched at my tone.

But my cold, black heart was actually in more pain than it had ever been and I was wondering if it was possible for 18 year olds to have heart attacks. My eyes were prickling with burning tears and the world was spinning in a way it never had before.

_I just want go home._

"_Oh yeah?__" _Sam challenged. _"__Where__'__s that?__"_

Gibby faltered. "What?"

"Finish your sentence. We both know what you were about to say."

"I didn't mean it."

"You did if you almost said it. You've probably been thinking it the entire time we were dating!"

"Carly, please -"

"Is that everybody thinks? Everybody at school? Wendy? Mr. Franklin? Mrs. Briggs, Mr. Howard?" Suddenly I was trapped in a storm, unable to get out. "Is that what everybody's been saying behind my back?"

"We're the only ones who know the real reason Sam died."

"No, you're _not_. Because if you did, then you would -" I abruptly stopped short.

Sam raised her eyebrow.

_because if you did, you__'__d be seeing her ghost everywhere you go too - newsflash, you don__'__t._

_and because if you did, you__'__d know how right you truly are._

"Now you finish it." Gibby said with the same amount of fire in his voice.

_No. You don__'__t __get__ to be mad at me anymore._

"When did everything get so fucked up?" I whispered mainly to myself. Sam shrugged.

"The minute you decided to keep everything a secret."

I immediately hung up the phone and threw it at a wall. As soon as it crashed, I hurried over to it and cradled it in my hands. Only a minor crack was visible.

I shut the damned thing off.

* * *

><p><em>room 657...656...654...653 -<em>

I knocked on the door.

"Carly?" Ally asked with wide eyes, as if I were a ghost.

_honey, i know a few things about them._

"Hey Al," I gave her a little smile. "Long time, no see. What's up with that?"

A frown etched over Ally's face. _Because you__'__ve been avoiding me._

"I don't know. That's crazy, I miss you!" Ally said tackling me with a hug.

I hugged her back. "I miss you too. What are you doing for Christmas?"

Ally frowned and tilted her head to the side. "I don't really know. I'm kind of bored. I was thinking about watching a Christmas movie but Madame Grey turned off all the cable."

"Wanna go out?"

Ally raised her eyebrow. "Out...side?"

"Kinda."

Ally didn't play dumb this time and a nervous look danced over her face. "Out...to a club?"

I nodded my head and smirked.

"Carly, we're not allowed to." Ally whispered, looking around for enemies. "Remember how much trouble we got in?"

_Superheroes are supposed to save the world. Maybe I__'__d be saving the world by just not being in it._

"So? It's Christmas. Don't we deserve a few presents ourselves?" I asked innocently.

Ally nodded as if that made perfect sense.

"Let's sneak out so Madame Grey isn't suspicious." I told her, using my best bossy Lily voice. "Put on a sweatshirt and sweatpants over a cute dress and meet me in front of my dorm in ten."

Against Lily's knowledge, I had learned that Freddie's roommate was stellar in the fake ID business.

I had gotten him a picture of me, Ally, Caitlin, and even Lily, and last month he'd managed to make me four brilliant fake ID's.

Of course Freddie couldn't be aware of this. All it cost was extra lips to kiss, not a huge price to pay.

_it wasn__'__t like it was my virginity._

I was waiting in my dorm when Ally softly knocked. I opened it up and ushered her down the hallway and past Madame Grey's office. We left through the front entrance and snuck to Lily's car.

I still had a pair of her extra keys and some gas money. I handed Ally her fake ID.

"Whoa! This is amazing!" Ally gushed. "How did you get this?"

I smirked, feeling like the respectful driver of this car. "I know a guy."

Ally looked at me in awe, as if she were looking at Lillian Grey herself. "Wow."

"We're not going to go to the same place as before, okay?" I filled her in as I started the engine. "Too risky."

"So where are we going?"

"This really cool throwback disco club," I explained, getting excited for the first time in forever. "They play music from the 80's and there's neon everywhere -"

I faltered when I saw Ally's expressionless face. "It's just really cool."

_Sam would__'__ve liked it._

The redhead nodded and smiled. "I'm so excited! Lily and Caitlin are going to be _so_ jealous when they get back!"

Somehow I didn't think a throwback 80's club amounted to the excitement of Georgia or New Mexico.

When we arrived, I instructed Ally not to talk. Knowing the girl for three months already made me aware she'd give us out in a heartbeat.

We applied extra make-up - darker eyes to match my darker heart - to look older before getting out of the car. I lead Ally up the walkway and to the bouncer.

"IDs please," He said with a bored expression.

I handed him ours.

He scanned them, looked back at us. "Go right ahead, Ms. Cosgrove and Ms. McCurdy."

Once we were safely inside, I smiled as Ally squealed and her eyes widened with happiness.

"We made it!" She chirped, bouncing closer and closer to the dance floor. Hot, sweaty guys crowded around and she soaked up their attention like sunshine.

"Now prepare to _live_ tonight." I told her with a devious smirk before making my way towards the bar alone.

I was ready to drown myself in vodka and never come up for air.

* * *

><p><strong>AP Exams are killer, that's all I have to say.<strong>

**Please leave a review! Even if you hate the story, any constructive criticism is valued :)**


	11. Please Don't Go Away

_I'm breathing in, breathing out_

_Ain't that what, it's all about_

_Living life, crazy loud_

_Like I have the right to_

_No more words in my mouth  
><em>

_Nothing left to figure out_

_But I don't think I'll ever break through_

_The ghost of you_

_Selena Gomez **The Ghost of You **_

* * *

><p>It was January; the start of a new year. The start of new promises that would be broken in a week and false happiness to last another 365 days.<p>

Yippee.

Wahoo.

Yee-haw.

It really just meant all my sins were stuck in the memories of last year and I was supposed to start new (sins).

Start over.

_but how can you start over when the past is always in your face? the ghosts of your past are always haunting you and taunting you and daunting you?_

I stopped falling asleep in all my classes, despite how tired I had become from not being able to sleep at night. I even got a A- on my chemistry quiz, bringing my grade up generously.

"_Excellent_ work, Carly!" Mrs. David gushed as she passed me back my quiz. I didn't acknowledge Lily's sneer beside me as she glowered over her D plus.

I rep_lied _to all of Madame Grey's stupid questions.

"How do you feel?"

I'm feeling great! How about you? — _wake you you blind, motherfucker. I feel like complete shit._

"Has eating been hard?"

No, eating's been absolutely delicious! — _I haven__'__t eaten a full meal since September and I think I lost my period again. Are you stupid?_

"How is your family?"

They're doing wonderful, thank you for asking. — _What the fuck is a family?_

"You sound like you're making progress, Carly!"

It's a new year! Time for change, right? — _Ha! It__'__s because I finally learned how to manipulate you, the way you tried to manipulate me. Two can play at this game._

Lily covered for me in the cafeteria all the time - "Carly's bringing her lunch today..oh yeah, she went to McDonalds across the street." "Carly's already eaten silly! The food here isn't so good on her tummy so she gets a lot of take-out." "I'm bringing Carly some food to her dorm, she's studying so hard!"

And I covered for her all the time in chemistry - "Lily's sick, she won't be able to make it today." "Lily's with a tutor now, haven't you heard?" "Of course I'll bring Lily the chem homework!"

And when I brought her the chemistry homework, she'd be breathless with her blonde hair rumpled, and glittery blue eyes bright with life. "Thank you, Carly!"

Maybe it was a dangerous thing to do, lie to teachers that Lily really wasn't supposed to be there and that hooking up with boys was a much better activity than comparing the concentration of blah blah with the titration of blah blah.

It was just as dangerous for her to lie to the nurses that I had eaten and that I was healthy and that I wasn't lying.

She was the closest thing to a real Sam I had and I wasn't going to waste it.

* * *

><p>On January 4th, a long and exasperating Wednesday, I was walking back to my dorm from my Humanities class. I was feeling extremely cranky and irritable so all I really wanted to do was go back (<strong>home<strong>) to my dorm and watch a marathon of Girly Cow on my computer.

I could already tell by the fact that Missy was strangely there in our dorm that wasn't going to happen.

Usually she hung out with her friends until late at night and snuck back in our dorms to finish her homework. Then she would get ready for bed and sometimes we'd watch a movie if we were feeling civil.

Today, she didn't feel or look civil.

"Why weren't you at lunch today?" Missy demanded, looking briefly up from her laptop.

"I was."

"No you weren't -"

"Why were you stalking me?" I snapped flopping down on my mattress and putting a pillow over my head.

All I could feel these days was a throbbing in my head and complaints from my stomach.

"Because I happened to be walking by your assigned table and you weren't there." Missy said.

"I left early." My voice sounded muffled underneath the pillow. I took my head out after the air began to suffocate me.

"Lily Grey said you'd gone to McDonalds." Missy said, turning her chair to me.

I rolled my eyes and gave her a frustrated look. "So if you _already_ knew, why did you ask me?"

"Because I wanted to see if you'd lie," Missy's green eyes narrowed. "Congratulations, you passed."

"Whoop-de-"

"Fucking-do!" Missy finished, rising from her chair, fire in her eyes. "That's all you ever say anymore!"

"Maybe I like the word _fuck_, ever fucking thought of that?" I got up from my mattress too, but unlike Missy, I had a searing headache. I began to get dizzy so I sat back down.

_my tummy hurts, mommy would you get me some medicine?_

"You're relapsing."

"Who are you to tell me anything, Missy? I'm _tired_, ever thought of that? I'm tired of all of this." I sighed. I closed my eyes quickly to stop the rush of tears flooding in my eyes.

_Aren__'__t you supposed to get __less__ emotional after you cut out everyone from your life and stop getting your damn period?_

Missy's eyes softened and she sat down on her bed too. "We all are."

Her comment only ignited the (dying) fire in me. "You couldn't even possibly understand! I lost the most important person in my _life_! How could you say -"

I stopped when Missy's eyes threatened to leak out, pouring out pain, agony, depression, scared, lost. Her bottom lip started to quiver.

_why did i forget she lost the most important __thing__ in her life?_

My heart whipped me with a painful _thump thump_ against my ribcage and I couldn't help to stop one tear from leaking down my face. "I'm so sorry Missy, I didn't even think -"

Missy wiped her eyes and swallowed, turning away. She heaved heavily and wiped more rain droplets away.

I reached out but it wasn't far enough. Or maybe I just wasn't trying anymore "Missy, I'm sorry -"

"Why won't you _stop_ saying that?" She whirled on me, the dam bursting. "Why won't anyone stop saying that? You think I like being reminded of that night? You think I like being here and remembering _why_ I'm here? We _all_ are tired of being here Carly, even if we haven't been here for four years. We _all_ have problems including blonde demons who spread rumors around the whole school why we're here!"

"So that's why you hate Lily."

Missy stopped heaving and sighed. "She's a _bitch_."

"She's my _friend_."

Missy rolled her eyes and wiped any traces of weakness from her cheeks. "Yeah, yeah. Caitlin and Ally are only here as long as they are _because_ of her. They could've been out two years ago, but she played with their emotions. She didn't want to be left alone so she convinced them to _stay_."

"She's my -"

"Friend." Missy repeated, wiping away the last of her misery. "Yeah. I remember when I used to be yours too."

She sat back down at her computer and started typing.

I ran my fingers through my hair and sighed, making a decision. It was 5:38 Pm and I figured I wouldn't be interrupting anything.

I got up and left Missy alone, ignoring her silent pleas to stay.

* * *

><p><em>Room 888...889...890...891-<em>

I pressed my ear to the door and listened for voices. I only heard the typing sounds of a keyboard.

I slowly and quietly opened the door knob and peaked in. Of course Freddie was at his computer, alone.

I closed the door behind me and "ahem"-ed.

Freddie turned around. "Hey Carly."

"Hi."

"You're early."

"I know. A little hard getting through." I admitted. "But I made it. Wanna, um, hang?"

Freddie closed his computer and turned around to face me. "Hang?"

I nodded and played with my hands. "Yeah. Like talk. And stuff."

"And stuff?"

"You know. Why do you always make me say it?"

Freddie sighed and actually had the decency to look a little guilty. "We can't keep doing this anymore, Carly."

I tried to keep my breath steady and my heart beating at a somewhat normal pace before I let myself process those words.

"So you wanna watch a movie instead?" I asked hopefully. It was becoming extremely hard to focus on Freddie without fainting and I hoped he didn't think I was about to fall into a seizure by the amount of times I had to blink.

_I can__'__t lose you too. I can__'__t lose you too. I can__'__t lose you too. I can__'__t lose you too. _

Freddie scratched his head, messing up his hair. "Carly -"

"Don't say it." I whispered.

"What?"

"Don't say my name like that." I told him, ready to hyperventilate. "That just means bad news. I really can't take any bad news Freddie, I can't."

For a moment, I swear I saw sympathy pass through Freddie's eyes. "I don't love you the way I loved Sam. It's not the same, I can't keep pretending."

The world stopped. Time stopped tick tock-ing. My only connection to the real world was suddenly telling me _everything will forever and always be fake. _

"Don't love me. Just like me. Just be my friend." I pleaded.

"Being your friend is hard, Carly." Freddie told me, stepping backwards a little. "Gibby told me what happened. When he called you."

Breathing started to become a foreign language.

"I can't breathe."

Freddie's eyes widened in a small panic before he regained his cold composture. "Don't be so dramatic."

I looked at him one last time, realizing my own time was running out. "Thank you."

"For what?"

"For pretending for as long as you did. You were a good ...person of the past."

* * *

><p>Sneaking back out was just as hard as getting in.<p>

So I didn't try to sneak back in to New Horizons. I went straight to Lily's car and put her spare keys in and got on the highway.

Rain fell down my face faster than I was driving. I could barely see where I was going and I was pretty sure I was going to meet Sam a lot sooner than I thought.

_maybe I was just hoping I would._

Miraculously, I made it to my destination with barely a scrape on Lily's beautiful car. There were scars and scrapes all over my heart but no one needed to know that.

I opened the door to the store and the wonderful smells of liquor flooded my nostrils.

I went straight to the vodka section and found a nice bottle that was about $14 bucks. I fished through my pockets and pulled out two ten dollar bills. I decided I would get an orange juice bottle from the back to mix it with.

I went to the counter and laid out my supplies.

The boy at the counter looked me up and down. "How old are you?"

"Twenty two."

He titled his head as if to say, _oh really._ "May I see your ID?"

Without tearing my eyes away from him, I pulled out my fake ID from my purse. When I got it out, I smirked and blinked back a couple tears trying to scream for help.

He checked it, looked back at me, checked it again, looked back at me. "Ms. Cosgrove?"

"Miranda, yes."

The boy sighed and began checking out my items. "Where'd you go to college Ms. Cosgrove?"

I bit my lip and smiled. "Oh I didn't go. Why go to college when you can party all night long with the girls?"

He rolled his eyes. "Whatever you say, Miranda. Here you go. Don't drive under the influence."

I winked at him before skipping out of the store and back into Lily's car. I felt free not having my phone on me as I backed out of the parking lot and back onto the highway.

I cranked up the radio and sang along to Katy Perry, "_You make me...feel like I__'__m living the...Teenage dream!__"_

Pretty soon, after my lungs were exhausted and my head was throbbing - what was new - I arrived at the beach.

"_Are there any beaches here in Boston?__" __I had asked Lily long ago, when I was Carly Shay and she was Lily Grey._

_Lily hesitated before deciding if she could trust me. __"__Well. There is this little private beach out towards North Shore. You__'__d have to go on the highway and drive for a long time. I don__'__t exactly remember where it was but you could probably find it on Google Maps or whatever.__"_

_Little did she know, she had made a big mistake._

It was a private beach. Since it was January, I knew nobody would be there anyways.

I parked the car across the street and ran to the fence. I jumped over it with my plastic bag full of vodka, orange juice and my old lighter. I was hoping to find a couple of sticks and light a pretty little fire.

I left my shoes in the car so I leaned my head back and ran out in the sand, giggling. The setting sun gave me just enough light to run to the middle of the beach and jump around like I was in the spotlight. I set my stuff down, found some wood by the fence, and brought it to my new space.

I set it down in a heap and lit my lighter. I fell backwards to avoid the sudden, gigantic flames. I poured the vodka into the orange juice and took a generous sip.

I smiled.

"_Enjoying that, Carls?_" Sam asked me, peering over my shoulder, a little while later.

I nodded vigorously as I sipped more. "I miss alcohol!"

Sam raised my eyebrow as she smirked. "Look at you, Little Miss Tipsy."

"Was I drunk before?" My eyes intensely watched the flames. "It's so bright."

"_Did you actually bring two bottles of vodka__?__"_

"I might have." I slurred happily taking another sip. I didn't remember buying two bottles of vodka. Maybe I found the other one somewhere on the beach. "Come on, Sam, have fun!"

Sam smiled. _"__Of course I__'__ll have fun__.__"_

Her hand reached, brushing mine, as she touched the bottle -

I screamed. She retreated her hand quickly and frowned. _"__What?__"_

"You...touched...me." I reached out my hand and touched her moonlight skin. I screamed again when I felt her lovely bones_._

"_Carly, stop screaming!__" _She told me, pushing her hand on my face.

I didn't scream this time when I felt her forever cold skin upon my mouth. I grinned instead.

"Sam!"

I set my bottle down carefully, to make sure it wouldn't spill, and ran straight into her, sending us both tumbling down.

Sam cackled as she pushed me off of her. "_Calm down Carly! What__'__s got you all excited?__"_

"You're back! You're...you're alive!" I yelled giddily, tackling her into a bear hug again. _Fuck Gibby and Freddie and everyone who believed I killed her. My best friend was back! She was alive!_

Sam laughed along with me and helped us both up. _"__I never left you, Carls. I__'__ve always been here!__"_

"Not in person!" I literally dripped over my words. I ended up dangerously close to the flames and I giggled. "It's so hot."

Sam grabbed my hands and pulled me away. "_You__'__re so wasted, Carls! You never got this drunk at the club.__"_

I considered this, tilting my head heavily to the side. "Maybe they gave me water?"

Sam smiled and lifted me on my feet again. "_Come on, let__'__s dance!__"_

I grabbed her hands and skipped around. "You make me...feel like I'm living the...-"

"_Teenage dream! The way you turn me on...I can__'__t sleep!__"_

"Let's run away and don't ever look back, don't ever look back!"

By this point, we were laughing so hard we could barely stand. I clutched my stomach and rolled around in the sand.

Something in the back of my drunk little mind told me to put down the bottle. My head was thumping violently and I felt very close to dry heaving.

When was the last time I had eaten? Yesterday - wait no, I think two days ago I had a piece of a pepper for breakfast.

"_Carly!__"_ Sam laughed her wonderful laugh. "_What is in your vodka?__"_

"Happiness!" I shouted, ignoring my heart telling me I was running out of time.

"_Sh!__"_ She told me, pressing her fingers to my lips. "_Sh,__ or you__'__ll wake up the locals.__"_

"Happiness!" I whispered to her, still giggling.

Sam leaned down next to me and pointed at the stars. _"__Last year around this time, Freddie took me out to the beach and held my hand, as we counted the stars. He told me one day I__'__d be like them, sparkling. He told me that I__'__d shine for him__.__"_

I giggled. "What are you talking in past tense, silly girl? You're alive again."

Sam laughed with me. "_I wish I had your innocence, Carly-kins.__"_

"This innocence...is brilliant...please don't go away -"

"_This moment...is perfect...I hope that it will stay_ -"

"I need you now...and I'll hold on to it, don't you let it pass you by!" I finished singing, my eyes started to drooping.

"_Come out moon, come out wishing star_," Sam sang softly like an angel using the very tips of her fingers to shut my eyelids. _"__Come out, come out...wherever you are.__"_

* * *

><p><strong>Sorry about not updating on the normal day! I had the AP U.S History exam today. Let's just say I'm glad it's over.<strong>

**I don't know how I feel about this chapter, but do what you want with it!**


	12. Dancing with the Devil

_And I love you more, t__han I did before_

_And if today I don't see your face_

_Nothing's changed, no one can take your place_

_And it gets harder everyday_

_Say you love me more, than you did before_

_And you're sorry it's this way_

_Miley Cyrus **Stay**_

* * *

><p>"Carly? Carly is that you?" I felt cold hands on my cold arms, shaking me awake from an awful nightmare.<p>

I slowly opened my eyes to find Missy's piercing green eyes worried and big. I could have sworn I saw three of her all at once.

"Madame Grey, she's awake!" Missy called back over her shoulder.

_Madame Grey? _

_Where__'__s Sam?_

"Where is she?" I asked sleepily with a massive headache. My throat sounded scratchy and raspy. My stomach punched me over and over and over and over.

_God, hangovers __**suck**_.

"She's behind us, don't worry everything's going to be okay." Missy reassured me, her voice soft, like my mother's after I had the flu. "She's right behind us and she'll take us back to New Horizons."

_What_.

My head rolled over and I saw Missy standing in front of my former fire. "What?"

"You were drunk." Missy explained showing me the empty bottle of vodka. I rubbed my sore throat at the sight of it. _Weren__'__t there two? But there wasn__'__t supposed to be two. I__'__m so confused._ "Lily had reported her car missing and Madame Grey had originally been looking for it. That was around the time I told her you had left and I couldn't find you. Lily immediately connected the dots; she told Madame Grey that she gave you a pair of her car keys and that you probably had it. And here we found you."

"You had a lot of us worried, Miss Shay." Madame Grey's hollow and dark voice told me, as she came up behind Missy.

I lifted my head up, ignoring the searing pain in my body. I looked around the beach for evidence, for hope, for life. The sun was shining down onto us but it wasn't like a spotlight or Sam shining for Freddie.

And Sam wasn't there. Sam wasn't there because Sam was never there. Sam was never there because when you're dead, you're never coming back.

I shut my eyes tightly praying the rain wouldn't come down today.

I stared at my grotesque reflection in the mirror.

My hair was the equivalent of a birds nest and had sand grains all over. My skin was paler than usual - _even paler than last year when I had traded eating and sleeping for countless abuse at the hands of __her__ at the gym -_ and dry from throwing up of a stupid hangover. I hadn't taken off my clothes from the night before which made them wrinkled against my body.

I made sure the door was locked behind me and went into Missy's bathroom closet. I opened it and removed the secret scale she had inside and set it down.

I stepped on it and closed my eyes. Missy had forced me to eat scrambled eggs before she left me alone - which also led to my throwing up - and I was worried the scale would punish me.

_1 0 __9_

I smiled and threw my hand over my mouth. _If the only happy thing that__'__s happened to me in these past four months is that I__'__m finally not 120 pounds, that can be the only happy thing._

I put Missy's scale back under her multiple towels and perfumes and body lotions. The smile didn't wash away from my face even as I stood under the hot water, letting it warm my freezing bones.

I washed my hair and didn't let my smile go away as my hair ended up in my hands.

I washed my body and let my smile grow wider as I felt my bones under the sponge. Nothing could stop my good mood now. I was on top of the world - and this time, I was actually skinny enough to be on top of the world.

"Carly?" Missy knocked on the door from the outside the bathroom.

I smiled as I replied, "Yes?"

"Madame Grey wants you. Immediately."

15 minutes later I arrived in front of Madame Grey's office with a wet messy bun, gigantic sweatshirt and leggings under my jeans.

"May I come in?" I asked her, standing in the doorway. I refused to let anything ruin my good mood.

Madame Grey didn't even look up as she replied, "Sit."

I kept my mouth shut as I followed her instructions.

She finished her typing and shut down her computer. I kept my poker face as best I could with her demon glare and loud high heels. She sat down across from me in her usual spot.

"You will speak today." Madame Grey told me as she handed me a letter. "You will speak today to your brother and your soon to be sister in law, who are worried _sick_ about you. You will tell them that you ran away last night and caused the entire staff of New Horizons to worry about you all night. You will tell them that the probability of you graduating this year is _low_. Dangerously low."

I inhaled as I looked at the letter. "I don't want to talk to them."

_Dear Carly,_

_I know you__'__re mad at me, at us. Please don__'__t shut us out, we__'__re worried about you. Your headmaster has informed us that you__'__re most likely not going to be graduating this year and we hope that it__'__s not true. There__'__s also a ticket attached for you to come visit this April, Freddie__'__s going to be coming home too. I hope you__'__re able to make it this time. _

_I love you,_

_Spencer and Angie_

"They want to talk to you -"

"No, _Spencer_ wants to talk me, _Angie_ couldn't give a fuck less!" I exploded into a Carly-monster. My good mood had evaporated and I became pissed at every living thing inside this building. "Spencer wouldn't send me here if it wasn't for her!"

Madame Grey took in the scene with a poker face. "And this made you want to run away?"

I exhaled loudly and exasperatedly. "_No_. I could care less about them now. I just...had a rough day."

"Miss Shay -"

"Carly."

"Carly, if you have these "rough" days and you want to run away, these circumstances are greatly considered in your credits. You can't just run off whenever you feel like it. There are consequences. We were all _worried _about you, an eighteen year old girl running off in the middle of the night in Boston. Didn't you _think_ about your safety? And don't think I have forgotten about the little episode back in September."

I sighed and sat back down. "Of course."

"Carly, I'm serious. Listen to me, my job is to help you and I want to help you. I'm here when you need to talk and have someone -" Madame Grey started to say before her phone began to ring.

_Sure you are._

"Excuse me for a moment." She said before getting up to answer. "Hello -"

I could hear the voice all the way from over here. It was a voice you heard in your sweetest nightmares.

"_Mom! Did you -__"_

"I'm in a session -"

"_I don__'__t give a fucking fingernail if you__'__re -__"_

"You will _not_ speak to me in that manner, Lillian."

"_I need to talk to you pronto.__"_

"I am in a session, I will speak to you after."

"_We need to talk to now!__"_

"We will talk when I'm _done_ with my session."

Lily's shrill voice even hurt my ears. "_Mom!__"_

Madame Grey sharply inhaled. "I will be in your dorm in one minute. Be there."

They sounded so much like each other, I practically saw Lily in Madame Grey. _Or did I see Madame Grey in Lily?_

"Carly, I'm sorry I will have to leave the session for a moment." Madame Grey said to me as she headed out the door. "Stay right here, I'll be right back."

As soon as she left the room and closed the door behind her, I took my chance. I hurried over to her desk and shuffled through the drawers.

_Caitlin Gillies._

Pathological Liar. Sessions a week: 3, counseling a week: 2.

I frowned. The rest of her file just talked about all her meetings and sessions and classes.

I flipped to the next one.

_Kristina Glass_

Don't know her - oh wait, she's in my Humanities class! Oh poor girl, she's anti-social.

Wait a minute...then why is she always asking me for my number?

I flipped to the next one.

_Alexandra Grande_

I couldn't read the file. Ally's story already made me sad.

_Lillian Grey._

I smirked as I pulled out the file. I scanned her papers and frowned. There was nothing important...

...except for her application file.

_Name (First, middle, last):_

Lillian Marie Grey.

_D.O.B_:

July 16th

_Reason for Application -_

Lily suffers from -

_Oh. _

_My. _

_God._

I heard Madame Grey's loud heels hurrying back to the office so I quickly slammed the file back into the drawer, slammed the drawer back into the desk, and slammed my butt onto the couch.

Madame Grey walked back in .9 seconds later. "Sorry about that, Carly. Where were we?"

The session bell timer dinged.

"Oh I was just leaving."

"You _bitch_."

I smirked as I stopped walking, not facing the familiar voice from behind me. "Is that what _they_ told you?"

"What?" Lily's sharp tone dropped and confusion came into place. "What are you talking about?"

I slowly turned around, the smirk still on my face and laced on my best sultry Lily voice. "I know everything, Lily. I know as much about you as you know about me."

Lily's delicate features etched into a dangerous frown and she asked slowly, "How?"

"I read your file." I said so sweetly, even I tried not to suffocate.

If time could reach out it's evil hands and choke me, the expression on Lily's face had killed me first.

She froze, her blue eyes turning black, and her little pink lips pursing together. She started to open her mouth but hesitated.

"What are they saying now," I asked Lily before dropping the final blow, "_schizo_?"

Lily seriously looked like she wanted to murder me and the sultry tone was long gone from her voice. "You really are a bitch."

"Learned from the best."

"_Best_ friend?" Lily tried to fire back, but her fire had long blown out when I read her file. "The one that I constantly remind you of?"

"Probably." I shrugged indifferently. "But I was referring to you."

"You won't tell anyone." Lily threatened, taking a step toward me.

"I _will_ tell everyone." I threatened suddenly finding my confidence, taking a step toward her. "Unless you promise me something."

"Are you threatening me?"

"I'm _offering_ you a deal." I corrected her with a smile. "I keep your secrets, you keep mine."

"What? That you're relapsing? Oh please, everybody knows that, except for my blind mother, perhaps."

"You keep covering for me. You keep letting me use your keys and car -"

She scoffed. "That's _not_ gonna happen."

"And I won't tell anyone that you're schizophrenic and in your spare time, you hook up with the boys on the boy campus."

Lily ran her fingers through her hair. "You _are_ threatening me."

"Call it what you want."

_I looked at Sam, my eyes getting big. I pulled her into the janitor__'__s closet next to us. __"__You have to promise me Sam, you won__'__t tell anyone. Not even Freddie. Nobody. Please, Sam. Don__'__t tell.__"_

_Sam studied my face, my pathetic pleading face drowning into her delicate features. She was silent. Her lips were tightly shut. Her eyes gave away no emotions. She finally blinked after a minute and she sighed. She raised her index finger to me and wiggled it around._

"_I__'__ll keep your secret if you keep mine,__" __She said her index finger dancing in the air._

_I raised my eyebrows. __"__Your secret?__"_

_Sam nodded. She didn__'__t say anything as she pressed her ear to the janitor__'__s closet. She grabbed my hand and pulled us both out of there and up the stairwell. She pulled me along, looking both ways every few seconds, and she stopped when we were finally alone at our lockers._

"_I__'__m like you, Carly. I don__'__t want to be fat. But, unlike you, food is my worst enemy. And my best friend. I can__'__t stop eating, it__'__s an addiction. So at night, when nobody__'__s awake- not even you- I take my little friend here,__" __Sam showed me her index finger again, __"__and shove it down my throat. All the fat and calories come up like they were never in my body.__"_

_I stared at Sam, unable to process what she was telling me._

Lily narrowed her eyes and hesitated. She inhaled a deep breath and clenched her fists. "Fine. You wanna play dirty? We can play dirty."

"Call it -"

"What you want. Yeah, whatever." _Since when had I become so predictable? _She sighed and rolled her eyes. "Fine. You can do whatever you want and I'll keep quiet. But deal's off when you get yourself fucked over again. Got it?"

"No, no, honey." I shook my head, my good mood pouring back into me. "I'll do whatever I want and you'll keep quiet, until I tell you not to. _Got it_?"

She gave me the nastiest glare I'd ever encountered in my life but I stood my ground. I reminded myself I was the one in power here.

She exhaled. "Funny. Feels like I'm making a deal with the devil."

* * *

><p>xemtlenc - Thanks for letting me know the ghost of Sam part wasn't really clear! Yes, it's more of Carly's trauma than it is that the ghost of Sam exists. I do hope it comes across that Carly does actually see Sam when she's in the story, but Sam's not a physical being, per se. In a couple chapters, everything is going to be explained and there's going to be a twist that hopefully you don't see coming :)<p>

Which brings me to the fact that there are actually only three more chapters left! Thanks to everyone who continues to read this story, despite it's darkness and awkward plot lines. I'm really excited to bring this three year project to a close and begin something new :)


	13. The Game Changer

_I'll find a way to close the door_

_I want to say so much more_

_I found you once, you're lost again_

_Kesha **Goodbye**_

* * *

><p><em>Three weeks later<em>

The brutal events of January slipped away into February, a month dedicated to love.

Except there didn't seem to be much love going around in my life.

After about a week of not speaking to me, Lily got over her funk and things became sort of normal. We kept secrets from Ally and Caitlin, snuck out to the boys dorm, watched movies late at night in her dorm, and skipped classes to go out for a drive.

Sometimes we drove so fast just to forget the bitches we really were and to just enjoy for a second, that fleeting fear of death and oblivion to escape all the pain.

Or maybe that was just me.

Missy became _overly_ civil towards me. The days I actually showed up to the cafeteria, I noticed her out of the corner of my eye watching every piece of food I put into my mouth. Whenever she so much as blinked, I would spit it out into my napkin, careful not to let my mouth absorb any calories.

* * *

><p><em>Hey Carly,<em>

_Happy February! We__'__re hoping to hear from you soon. Did you have a good month? Madame Grey has informed us that at the beginning of the month you were doing very well. Maybe you could call us soon. If you like, we could try and arrange a weekend visit during President__'__s Day weekend? Let us know soon please._

_With love,_

_Spencer and Angie._

**Delete**.

* * *

><p>One night I caved.<p>

It was February 14th, and the two rehabs had been planning a Valentines Day dance for the girls and boys to mingle. Lily and Missy both respectively asked me to get ready with them, but I lied and said I thought I was coming down with the flu.

I wandered around the empty halls of the girls dormitory until my feet had wandered into the kitchen. I stopped in my tracks and told myself to go back, but my stomach had taken over control. I could smell wafting scents of chocolate and bakery items left over from this morning.

I didn't even realize my feet had dragged me over towards the counter, where left over chocolate chip cookies (78), brownies with chocolate chips (200), chocolate croissants (330), and miscellaneous fruits (?).

I was ashamed I didn't know right off the top of my head how many calories were in each piece of fruit.

I gulped down my saliva and squeezed my eyes shut.

_Starvation is control. Control is tough._

_Bones are beautiful when skinny just isn__'__t enough._

I opened one eye.

_Well. It__'__s not like __one__ grape is going to cause World War Three._

Like a robot, my hand reached for a plump red grape and without any hesitation, I plopped into my mouth. Like a robot, I chewed, chewed, and chewed, until it slid down my throat and my head stopped throbbing.

Still, my stomach hungered for more.

I reached into my pocket for my phone, to check how many calories a grape had and how many sit-ups I would have to do that night to purge myself, when I realized I had ran over that piece of shit the week before with Lily's car.

_One more couldn__'__t be that bad. I have self-control._

"_If you had any self-control, you wouldn__'__t even be contemplating eating another wretched grape or not.__"_

I jumped at the sound of Sam's voice. My heart had beaten so violently against my chest I thought thunder had rumbled.

"What are you doing here?"

"_What? You__'__re not happy to see me?__'_

"I haven't seen you in three weeks." I reminded her, my hand dropping back to my side. "Since the beach. When you weren't really there."

"_I never said I was._" Sam defended herself and looked longingly. _"__God, I miss the taste of chocolate strawberries. You know Freddie used to make the __best __fondu and dip it all over the strawberries. I miss him too.__"_

I frowned. Freddie couldn't make fondu to save his life. When we were 14 and he had an obsessive crush on me rather than an intense loathing, I had tried to teach him how to make fondu but he burned all the chocolate.

"Why were there two vodka bottles when you showed up?" I frowned. "I only bought one. And orange juice."

Sam shrugged. _"__It__'__s your hallucination, Carly. You__'__re asking the right questions to the wrong person._"

"So you admit you're a hallucination?"

"_I admit nothing. Except I must say, how __proud__ of you I am, Carly-kins. 104 pounds, at least!__"_

_Carly-kins._

* * *

><p>"<em>Oh come- on, Carly-kins!<em>_" __Ana prompted me sweetly, the first time I had envisioned that monster. She had gorgeous mocha colored hair and the prettiest green eyes. _

_And she was as thin as a stick._

_I was sweating very little on the treadmill, pushing myself with little effort. In the 20 minutes I had been walking on the machine, I__'__d only burned 100 calories._

_I frowned and looked around me. No one else at the gym seemed to notice this supermodel, leaning on the empty treadmill beside me._

"_Who are you?__"_

"_Your new best friend.__" __She said with a dazzling smile and I wondered if I had begun to go crazy. __"__I__'__m Ana, short for anorexia.__"_

"_Excuse me?__"_

"_You came to me, Carly.__" __She informed me. __"__Late at night, when you search how to lose weight quickly or go through the thinspiration pages on Tumblr. You found me. So I__'__m going to answer your wish and help you.__"_

_It occurred to me that I was actually losing my mind. I was 16 years old, seeing someone who didn__'__t actually exist, and about to fall off the treadmill._

_Maybe if I ignored her, she would disappear._

_I pushed up my speed from 3.5 to 3.6 and hummed along to my music._

"_You can do better than that.__" __Ana decided and pushed up my speed to 3.9._

"_Hey!__" __I protested angrily, having to walk even faster unexpectedly. A couple other people on the machines around me turned to look at me with a strange expression._

_Great. I was becoming crazy._

"_If we__'__re going to work together, Carly, we have to be on the same page.__" __Ana told me, her sweet voice still lingering in my ears. But I couldn__'__t see her anymore. __"__At night when you find yourself missing your mother, don__'__t go to cookies for relief. During the day, when you feel isolated from your friends, don__'__t munch on a turkey sandwich. At dinner when Spencer is too busy to notice you and fawning over his new girlfriend instead, slip your spaghetti tacos into your lap and throw them away. It__'__s just that simple.__"_

"_Nothing__'__s ever just that simple_," _I thought in my mind and looked at her curiously. __"__Who says I want to work together with you? You__'__re the reason most girls go insane and die. I don__'__t want to die.__"_

"_But you want to be skinny, don__'__t you?__" __She pressed. __"__You want to be Little Miss Popular all over again. You want people to start talking about how skinny you are instead of how hot Sam and Freddie are. Don__'__t you?__"_

_I couldn__'__t deny that everything she was saying was true. But I couldn__'__t say I was willing to go to such great lengths to be skinny._

"_I__'__m fine, Ana. Without you.__" __I told her. __"__Thanks, but no thanks.__"_

_Instead of getting mad or pissy like I might have expected her to, she just smiled like nothing was wrong._

_Like I was right where she wanted me to be. _

_"__Whatever you say, Carly-kins. I__'__m right here if you need me.__"_

_She said the last part tapping her fingers on my heart and I rolled my eyes._

_Two weeks later, I tapped my heart and there she was with the same, sweet smile on her face that would soon turn sour._

* * *

><p>I looked down at my perfectly concave stomach. My mother had always told me that there was no such thing as perfection - but if I ever found it, not to mess with it.<p>

But surely she was talking about love. And this was about food. There was no correlation.

Was there?

Suddenly, I found myself more confused than I ever had and my head was hurting and my heart was hurting and my body was hurting.

I wanted to cry but I wanted Sam to be happy for me.

I wanted to go to the dance, but I wanted Sam to be there dancing with me.

I reached for another grape and swallowed.

"_Now, now Carly. Why on Earth would you do that?__" __She said, dangerously slow and her voice at an even lowness._

"Because I don't know what's real and what's not anymore." I confessed, reaching for a chocolate chip cookie this time. My stomach protested and cheered. "You're here but you're not. And I can't take it anymore."

"_One day, Carly, you__'__re just going to have to accept the truth.__" _Sam said. Her blue eyes were darker under the faded light of the cafeteria. They weren't as blue as they normally were and I wondered if that was a side effect of dying.

I reached for another cookie and her cold dead hand clasped my wrist. I gasped at the sheer force. "Sam!"

"_Carly, you were doing __so well__!__" _She insisted, her eyes hardening into a glare. _"__So perfect! And now you__'__re going to throw it all away?__"_

"You're my friend, Sam." I reminded her, pulling back my arm. "You're supposed to be happy for me! For whatever I do!"

"_For kissing my boyfriend?__"_

I faltered and Sam took advantage of my hesitation. "_Yeah Carly, who__'__s the innocent one now? You know what? Eat. Eat until you puke, eat until you die, I don__'__t care. You clearly never cared about me.__"_

"Sam, that's not true!"

But she disappeared before I could hold onto her one last time and I was all alone again.

I reached back for the cookie and then the brownie and then a piece of pineapple. I popped a strawberry into my mouth at the same time I stuffed a chocolate croissant into the dark abyss of my stomach. I ignored the complains of my body and reached for a bottle of wine hiding behind the food, clearly meant for the chefs who had prepared this wonderful meal.

"Bottoms up, bitch."

* * *

><p><em>Hey Carly,<em>

_So maybe President__'__s Day weekend isn__'__t a good time. We__'__re still really hoping to hear from you. A little effort on your part would be appreciated. We ran into Principal Franklin the other day who congratulated us on our engagement. We__'__ll start wedding planning when we hear from you, which will be hopefully soon. We would really like you to be apart of it. We__'__re going to start planning your spring break trip soon so if you would like us to do anything special, write back soon._

_With love,_

_Spencer and Angie_

**Delete**.

* * *

><p>"God, it smells <em>horrible<em> in here." Lily announced when she entered my dorm the next morning.

Missy was sitting beside my bed with a warm towel wrapped over my head while she read a book. At Lily's entrance, she rolled her eyes. "Carly threw up."

Lily raised her eyebrow. "Ew. Why?"

"I think she's actually coming down with the flu. We should tell your mother -"

Lily scoffed and cast a sideways glance at Missy. "As if. There's no "we" in this, Robinson. Why don't you go do us all a favor and disappear?"

Instead of snapping back, Missy shut her book and turned to me. "Do you want company, Carly?"

I tried to shake my head but it was throbbing too much and my eyes were so heavy that I leaned back and forth into my pillow.

Missy interpreted that as a yes. "Fine. I'm going to Sarah's room to study for our history test next class. You're welcome to join anytime you want."

Without even another look at Lily, Missy got up and exited the room. Lily rolled her eyes and took her spot.

"God, she's so pretentious that she makes me sick." She hesitated for a moment. "Seriously, why does it smell so horrible in here?"

"The janitor hasn't come by yet with a mop." I said in a raspy voice. "I threw up into the trash and neither Missy or I are trying to clean that up."

"Why'd you throw up?"

"Had a little too much wine last night." I confessed, unable to stop the word vomit.

Lily raised her eyebrow again. "For real? Where'd you get it?"

"In the cafeteria. How was the dance?" I asked, hoping to change the subject.

Her smirk made me nervous. "It was _wonderful, _Carly! I really wish you came. I had to hang around Kate and Al the _entire_ time, bleh."

"They're your friends." I reminded her.

"They were." Lily simply said and I raised my own eyebrows. "But now you're my best friend! Who needs them?"

_Oh dear God._

"So what happened at the dance?"

"I danced with this really cute boy." She said in her sultry voice and my stomach felt queasy again. "And you're going to _die_ when you hear his name."

_Oh dear God._

"Freddie Benson."

* * *

><p><em>Hey Carly,<em>

_It__'__s us. We__'__re hoping you__'__re doing well. Madame Grey says you__'__re making very little improvements in your sessions with her. You do know you can tell her anything, Carls? If there__'__s anything you need to tell us, you can always call us. We__'__re here for you, all the time. I__'__ve called your phones a few times and it__'__s gone straight to voicemail. Do you want me to order you a new charger?_

_With love,_

_Spencer and Angie_

**Delete**.

* * *

><p>The upcoming Monday, I wasn't really feeling Humanities since Caitlin was in my class and been boasting all morning about this guy she had hooked up with at the dance.<p>

I skipped class and exited the escape route, that led to the boys dorm, but I didn't go towards the other building. Instead I sat cross legged in the path of trees, that looked abnormally creepy at night, but serenely beautiful during the day.

I closed my eyes and inhaled, letting the sweet scent of nature consume me. Everything felt peaceful. Everything felt -

"Carly?"

I opened one eye to see Freddie standing over me, looking confused. His puppy down brown eyes looked at me worriedly.

"What are you doing out here?"

I opened both eyes and sighed. "Skipping class. Are you?"

"No I have study period." He told me and I frowned.

"Study period?"

"You get them if you're making progress according to the headmaster." He explained. "Can I sit?"

I shrugged. "If you must."

He sat down beside me on the damp grass and didn't say anything for a couple minutes. "You weren't at the dance."

"I heard you were."

"How?"

"You danced "all night" with Lily Grey, didn't you? She couldn't stop talking about it."

"I don't think we danced all night -"

"Was it fun?" I cut him off, not wanting him to explain himself to me. "The dance?"

Freddie contemplated for a moment. "You know, it actually was."

I nodded slowly. "That's good. For you."

He didn't say anything for another moment. "For a long time after Sam's," He paused, unable to say the word _death_. "For a long time, I didn't think I would be happy. Ever. Because for the longest time, I had thought I loved you, Carly. And then I had to realize you wouldn't love me back."

It was getting slightly awkward. I wasn't sure if Freddie was trying to profess his undying love for me or tell me how he couldn't understand how he'd once loved such a horribly rotten bitch. And it was even more awkward because for the past couple of months we had been people of the past with limited benefits and I wasn't really sure where we stood now.

"What are you trying to say?"

"I'm trying to say that I've had my heart broken multiple times. And I associate memories of getting my heart broken with you."

I raised my eyebrows. "That's so not -"

"Fair. I get it." _I wasn__'__t really that predictable, was I? _Freddie sighed before he continued. "When I went back to Seattle for winter break, I got a reality check. Gibby told me what happened during your conversation and how awful he felt for saying what he said and how much he wanted to apologize and at first - I _didn't_ understand. I thought those things needed to be said. I thought you needed to understand what we all thought. But then Gibby looked me dead in the eye and said, "It's not like we didn't know too, Freddie". That was the game changer. That was woke me up from this awful nightmare I've been in. I'd been unable to sleep, barely able to eat, because everything seemed meaningless after Sam died."

He said the last part slowly and I knew why. Using Sam and the word dead in the same sentence just didn't feel right.

"Everything felt like hell and I just associated it with you because it was easier to blame you than it was to accept responsibility. I could tell myself over and over that you knew and you were helping her, but in reality - I knew too. Gibby knew. Wendy knew. T-Bo knew. Spencer and Angie knew. Hell, maybe even my own mother knew. We're all responsible, Carly. It's not fair to only blame you. I lost my girlfriend, but it's not like you didn't lose someone too."

I wanted to digest Freddie's word like someone digested a strawberry smoothie (188). Easily and without thinking how many calories were in it. I wanted to understand what he was saying like someone understood simple mathematics like two plus two.

But my own world was spinning too fast these days and the serene nature around me was too pleasant to pass up. I had become so hungry recently that I actually wanted to pick the grass up by its roots and chomp chomp chomp. All I wanted was for my mother or Sam to tell me everything was going to be okay and everything was going to go back to normal.

Freddie and I would go back to Seattle, where Sam and Gibby would patiently be waiting for us, and we would start another iCarly. We'd get a million viewers and Spencer would take us to the Groovy Smoothies to celebrate where Mrs. Benson would warn Freddie to be careful for ticks.

But Freddie was trying to move on from our normal into a new normal and it didn't make sense. Nothing seemed to be making sense anymore.

"You realized all this at a dance?" I asked hollowly, trying to play for dark humor.

Freddie chuckled and it was the first time I had seen the ghost of a smile play upon his lips in what felt like _ages_. "No. I wanted to tell you all of this at the dance but you weren't there. You actually wouldn't guess who I ran into there, none other than -"

"Missy Robinson." The snow around my heart froze into black ice and I'd never felt more chest pain in my entire life. The world stopped spinning and if there was one thing left in the world I had understood, it was that Freddie Benson was trying to play me for a fool. "You think I'm really that naïve, Freddie?"

"Excuse me?"

"Wow. I have to hand it to you, you know." I snapped, quickly standing up. I tried - and failed - to ignore the dizziness that pursued and Freddie stood up too. "I really _almost _believed every word you said. But she made you say it, didn't she?"

"Carly, what are you even talking about? Who made me say what?"

A dark thought etched its way into my mind. "Oh my God, is she _paying_ you?"

"Carly, what the _fuck_ are you talking about?"

"Missy! She's paying you to try and "treat" me or whatever! You hate me, Freddie. You always will. You're always going to think I'm responsible for Sam's death, whether you admit it or not - and you have." The words flew out of my mouth and hit him hard. "She believes there's something wrong with me and now she's using you. That's low. Even for her."

"Carly, you're not making any sense." Freddie protested, trying not to take a step back from my wrath. "Yeah she did mention that she was worried you were relapsing and now that I've seen you, so do I -"

"Oh shut the fuck up." Venom laced my suddenly sultry voice and bitterly wrestled its way into Freddie's heart. "You don't care."

"Haven't you heard what I just said? I _understand _now -"

I rolled my eyes and took a step back. "You don't understand anything. None of you do. I have to get back to class."

"Carly, wait -"

Something dawned over me at that minute and I whirled around to face him. "Where are you going?"

"What?"

"You were surprised to see me." I recalled his confused face. "You didn't even know I was going to be here. Why are you here?"

Freddie faltered for a minute and that gave me time to create my own twisted fantasy. "Oh my God - you're hooking up with her, aren't you? My life is some sort of sick reality to you guys, isn't it? Well _fuck you_."

"Carly, calm down, I'm not hooking up with anyone!"

But I slammed the door in his face and swore to never speak to Freddie Benson or Missy Robinson ever again.

* * *

><p><em>Hi Carly,<em>

_Look, I know you__'__re mad. And I__'__m sorry that you are. I was just trying to do what was best for you. All I ever wanted to do was what was best for you. Remember that time when we were doing iCarly and my wheel of hammers nearly killed you? And granddad tried to take you away? I__'__ve been thinking lately that maybe I should__'__ve let him. Maybe none of this would have ever happened if I hadn__'__t been so selfish and had wanted my little sister to stay with me. Because now you__'__re halfway across the country and you won__'__t even see me or talk to me and it__'__s far more worse than you being three hours away in Yakima. I don__'__t understand, Carly. What could have I done better? What should I have done? Anything? Everything? _

_I__'__m sorry I messed up as your big brother. I__'__m sorry I couldn__'__t protect you the way that I should__'__ve been able to. And if you want your space, than that__'__s something you shouldn__'__t feel guilty for and I__'__ll need to understand. But just let me know. Just give me __something__ so I can help, even if that means letting go for a little while. I miss you so much, Carly. I miss the little thirteen year old running around the house after Mom died, begging me for rides here and there. I miss Sam sleeping on our couch, leaving her clothes all over the apartment. I miss the two of you and Freddie making a kick ass webshow. It hurts how much I miss it all, and it hurts to think I am the one who ruined it._

_Love always,_

_Spencer._

I didn't press **delete** this time.

Instead, I clicked **reply**_**.**_

_I miss you too, Spencer._

**save as draft**.

* * *

><p>"Gibby broke up with me!" Ally whined that night at dinner.<p>

Caitlin's eyes widened and Lily frowned. I concentrated on my macaroni and cheese, ignoring the not so subtle observations from Missy.

"You were dating?" The latter blonde asked in a surprised tone.

Ally hesitated. "Well, not really. But kind of. I mean, like, yeah."

Lily rolled her eyes. "So why did he dump you?"

"Harsh." Caitlin told Lily in a soft tone, turning back to Ally before Lily could start seething. "So spill. How did he do it?"

"Does it matter?" I asked. "Why?"

_Maybe I would borrow Lily__'__s phone and call him to apologize and then Cibby -. _

_But why did I have to apologize? He was the one who was the real dick._

Lily just smirked across from me.

"He just doesn't feel like we're meant to be together anymore." Ally complained miserably, forking around her green beans. "It's just I've never felt so compatible with someone in my life."

"Oh boo hoo." Lily sighed dramatically. "Come on, Al. Girl up. Put on a pretty outfit and some lipstick and let's break some hearts tonight. We'll sneak over to the boys dorm and get you all fixed up, how about that?"

Ally and Caitlin looked at Lily like she had grown a third head and even I was a little put off by this new behavior.

"What?"

Ally shook her head quickly, before Lily could change her mind and tell her to go solve her problems in a dumpster. "No! Nothing's wrong. It's just - I'm really excited!"

Lily turned her bright blue eyes to me. "Are you in?"

I shrugged. "There's something I have to do first. Care to come?"

Lily nodded and told Caitlin and Ally we'd meet up with them later. We got up to go throw our trays away, although mine still had a full plate of macaroni and cheese on it. I ignored Missy sighing two tables away.

"Where are we going?" Lily asked as we left the cafeteria and headed in the general direction of her mother's office.

"You'll see." I said dismissively, inching closer and closer to Madame Grey's office. I knocked on the door with a light _tap tap_.

Lily frowned.

"Come in," Her mother called.

I opened the door and ushered us both inside.

"Lily and Carly." She greeted, taking off her glasses and leaning forward on her desk from her computer. "To what do I owe the pleasure?"

"I want a room change."

* * *

><p><strong>Two more chapters! Things aren't going to start winding down until the last chapter which is already pretty long. Thanks again for sticking by for so long :)<strong>


	14. I'm Alive But I'm Losing All My Drive

**Down to the final two! This is a pretty dark chapter so be prepared.**

**The Dark Side of the Sun: Thank you very much for your kind words! I hope this chapter doesn****'****t disappoint :)**

* * *

><p><em>This is gospel<em>

_For the fallen ones_

_Locked away in permanent slumber _

_Panic! At The Disco __**This is Gospel**_

* * *

><p>In an all girls boarding school full of pathological liars, anorexics, schizophrenics, children of traumatic childhoods, victims of rape, bulimics, lesbians (whose parents didn't understand love is universal), bipolar and depressed students, alcoholics and drug addicts - if and when someone was relapsing, word got around fast.<p>

Back in October, everyone and their mother's were spreading rumors about Missy and her awful step brother and how tragic it was going to be for her during Winter break with her family.

Back in December, no one would shut up about Sarah Connors' shooting heroin behind the school dumpster.

Back in January, Gabby Rodriguez found herself in the spotlight for a good three weeks after someone heard her throwing up in her bathroom.

By February, everyone had heard about Carly Shay, the ex-famous internet star, who had stopped eating again.

My new roommate swore she never said a word.

I believed Lily Grey, since she swore she never said anything and knew the consequences if she did.

I knew Ally and Caitlin didn't care enough for me to start any kind of rumors.

It really only left Missy Robinson, who probably blabbed to one of the nurses. Someone must have overheard and then spread their own twists and spins on the story.

I became aware I was at the center of everyone's conversations the minute Madame Grey pulled me into an emergency session three days before we were scheduled to meet with each other.

"Carly, I'm going to be blunt with you. I've received word from one of the nurses that you're not eating again. I'm not even going to ask you if that's true or not, because either way you'll say no." She told me promptly, an enticing tray of fruits on the table between us.

_No. I__'__m strong. I__'__m better than Madame Grey and her fruits of temptation._

_I can do this._

"You do look a little bit skinnier than you were when you first came here, and I must say I think you've lost quite a bit of weight in your face. How are you sleeping?"

_Ha! You think I__'__m going to fall for that one again? Try again, bitch._

"Not too bad now that I've changed rooms, Madame." I responded politely, not letting my lip curl at our last impromptu meeting.

"_You want to switch dorms?__"_

"_Yes.__"_

"_It__'__s going to be a long and complicated process, Miss. Shay.__" _

"_Oh my God mom, just move her in with me!__"_

"_Lily, hush, it__'__s not that simple. Please state your reason for wanting the switch.__"_

"_Missy and I don__'__t get along anymore.__"_

"_Please explain further.__"_

"_Mom, you literally sound like a robot.__"_

"_Hush, Lillian.__"_

"_We just don__'__t get along. I__'__m having trouble sleeping in that room and it__'__s really affecting my studies and since we__'__re so close to the ocean, our room is super cold -__"_

"_You__'__re cold and you__'__re not able to sleep?__"_

"…_.Yes.__"_

"_You do look paler in fact, and I don__'__t believe it__'__s because of the winter. What have you been eating?__"_

"_Excuse me? I__'__ve been eating food, like a normal human being. Don't I eat, Lily?__"_

"_Yeah, she eats.__"_

"_Besides, I think you__'__re overstepping your boundaries Madame -__"_

"_My__ boundaries?__"_

"_Look, can we make the move or not?__"_

"I've been speaking with the nurses, Carly, and they tell me that whenever it's time to weigh you, you insist on being weighed with your robe on. Is that true?"

I frowned. "Is that a crime? I'm sorry I don't want to be stark naked in front of a bunch of lesbians -"

"_Miss. Shay_."

I blinked, surprised at the words that had flowed out of my mouth."Look, I'm really sorry, I don't know why I said that. I swear I'm not a homophobe or anything and I totally support gay rights but it's just that Kristina Glass has been smiling at me suggestively during weighing times and I don't want to be mean but she's not really my type."

Madame Grey pinched the bridge of her nose and exhaled a long breath, full of desperation and pity and exhaustion. I wondered if four years ago, she had beautiful long blonde hair like Lily's. Or maybe she was a brunette, like me, but with a splash of freckles across her face like silver stars in a dark sky. But now she had short gray hair that fell delicately above her shoulders and -

I realized I had been zoning out.

"Miss. Shay? _Carly_?"

"I'm sorry, what?"

Madame narrowed her eyes at me, as if studying me some more, before taking careful notes on her clipboard. "Carly, we have a serious problem here. I'm ashamed we haven't noticed it before. You've lost weight, you can't sleep, you're moodier - when's the last time you got your period?"

_Three weeks before Thanksgiving._

"I don't feel comfortable talking about this with you."

"You've stopped getting it, haven't you? When's the last time you ate a full meal?"

"I don't like what you're implying."

"That you need help, Carly? That you're afraid of getting better?" Her serious tone changed quickly to a more motherly, nurturing voice. "You don't need to be afraid of help. You don't have to be afraid of getting better. I understand it now -"

"Why do you all keep saying that?" I bursted out, suddenly jumping up from my seat. _Bad mistake - Madame Grey saw you loll your head backwards because of how dizzy you got. _"You _don__'__t_ understand - you _couldn__'__t _possibly understand!"

"Understand what, Carly?"

"_Her!__" _I shouted out. Hot, prickly tears clouded my eyes and my stomach just hurt _so fucking bad, _like it was being stabbed with needles and razors. _Like I was dying_. "You don't get it! I wanted to be better, I _was _better but then -"

"_Carly, shut the fuck up_." She said, slithering her cold, dead arms around my neck. "_Shh, Carly, shh. You__'__re making a big mistake_."

"No, please." I whimpered softly, falling back into my seat. Madame Grey was yelling something at me but all I could hear the pounding _thump thump, thump thump_ thundering throughout my forehead.

All I could hear was her sweet, bitter voice.

"_Carls, they__'__re trying to ruin you.__" _Sam told me, standing in front of Madame Grey, blocking out everything but her perfect figure in front of me. _"__They__'__re only trying to turn you into a fat demon. That__'__s not what you want, right? That__'__s never what you wanted. You just wanted to be like me, perfect and skinny -__"_

"Like you?"

Sam frowned for a minute but regained her composture. "_You know what I mean. Carly, you need to get away from here. They know everything - Missy and Freddie must have told them. You have to get away from here. Come on, Carls, they don__'__t care about you. They just care about their own guilty consciences.__"_

"But -"

"_Shh, Carly-kins. Shh.__"_

* * *

><p>"<em>Shh, Carly-kins, Shh.<em>_"_

_Ana whispered over my bed, as I sobbed into my pillow. Spencer was out with his new girlfriend again, and I was home alone, crying hot, sticky tears._

_My stomach was bulging out of my pajama pants and my thighs thundered together every time I walked. My arms were full of flab and my face looked like a chipmunk. __I couldn__'__t believe how __fat__ I had let myself get and all I wanted was to take a knife and cut off all the imperfect parts._

"_It__'__s okay, Carly. Remember how I told you I__'__d always be here? That I__'__d never leave?__"_

"_I__'__m going crazy, aren__'__t I?__"_

_Ana laughed sweetly, relaxing next to me on my bed. __"__No, Carly. You could be perfectly fine.__"_

"_I could be?__"_

"_If you listen to me. If you do everything I tell you to do. If you trust me and play the game with me, okay?__"_

_Game?_

_I was good at games. I always won Checkers and Chess board games or any intellectual game - except sometimes against Freddie._

_Maybe I could win this game too. Maybe I could be the skinniest of them all __and__ beat Ana. I would stop myself before things got too out of hand, before I stopped eating forever. _

_I__'__d only stop eating to lose a few pounds. I would bring myself down from 125 to 115. And then I__'__d stop. I wouldn__'__t play the game forever. I was strong and I__'__d know when to stop._

_I__'__d be perfectly thin and perfectly fine, all within a matter of time._

_What was there to lose?_

_The tears stopped flowing down my face and I inhaled a deep breath, wiping whatever trace of weakness was left from my cheeks. _

_"__Okay.__"_

* * *

><p>I woke up in a dark and cold room.<p>

For a moment, I was worried I was back in my former room and they were going to make Missy keep an eye on me, so I couldn't lie about eating and wear my robes filled with quarters.

But then my heart stopped when I realized what was really going on.

I was under white sheets on top of a white mattress in a white room (that seemed dark because it was night time outside and the lights weren't on) in the school's infirmary. I was in a green cotton hospital dress and beside me were machines and a plate of food on the nightstand.

_What if they were going to force feed me?_

I couldn't feel my toes because it was so cold in the room, even though I was wearing socks, and I was shivering under the thin blankets. The clock beside me read, _8:14 PM_, and I knew I had very little time.

Clutching the railings of the bed carefully, I swiftly moved my legs over the side and escaped the metal railings on the bed. I found a pair of slippers, thankful for the small warmth on my feet, and headed towards the door.

I cursed when I saw the nurse hunched over her desk, blocking my freedom.

_There had to be another way out, there had to be another way out, there had to be another way -_

"_Try the windows.__"_

I jumped, and pain flashed through my body. My legs were nearly purple and my veins had never been more transparent. I quickly abandoned the robe and put on my sweatpants and sweatshirt from earlier that were laced with failure and defeat.

Sam smirked. "_Hey, Carls. Nice little stunt you pulled out. Blacking out in the headmaster__'__s office. You__'__re right, though. You have to get moving.__"_

I ran my fingers through my dead hair in frustration, clumps of hair tangling in my fingers, and groaned softly. "You have to go, Sam. You can't stay here."

"_Oh don__'__t worry, Carls. I__'__m coming with you.__"_

"No, that's what I mean." I whispered, my voice quivering uncontrollably. It was so cold that my teeth were chattering. "You can't stay with me, Sam."

She raised her eyebrow. "_What the hell are you talking about?__"_

_You__'__re the reason that all of this has happened. You have to go._

"I'll be better off my own. We have to say goodbye."

"_You__'__re trying to get rid of your best friend? You__'__re such a bitch. I__'__m only trying to help you, you fat piece of scum!__"_

I was having trouble breathing. I was having a lot of trouble breathing. The room was getting too small and too cold and I was having a lot of trouble breathing.

"_The windows, Carly._" Sam repeated, her dark eyes narrowed. "_Try the windows_."

I hurried over to the windows, trying to be as quiet as I could, and pushed open the lock. I wasn't strong enough anymore to pull the windows effortlessly but I managed to open them ever so quietly.

So quietly the nurse wouldn't realize I was trying to escape and call for help.

The window didn't open very far. In fact, it wouldn't have been possible for anyone to get through.

Anyone who wasn't 100 pounds, even.

I tried to dive headfirst out of the window and found myself slightly stuck between the outside world and the inside hell.

"_Push, Carly. __Push__.__"_

I continued to fight my way through, shuffling and shimmying my hips until the upper half of my body had made it onto the garden outside. It wasn't a very far fall - maybe 5 feet at best.

I pushed the rest of my body out, my slippers miraculously still on my feet.

_I was free_!

"Where do you think you're going?"

_It was a voice you heard in your sweetest nightmares._

I turned around slowly to face the grinning culprit.

"Trying to escape, are you? Very clever."

"What are you doing out here?" I asked her. "It's cold."

"I could ask you the same thing, but I think I already know." Lily told me. "I was out visiting my new boyfriend, if you'd believe it or not."

My heart stopped beating. "Freddie?"

"No, he's your territory. I respect girl code." Lily said, her sultry voice in full effect. "His name is Danny Santiago and he hears voices too. We really get each other."

"I need your help."

"Obviously. Your hair is a war zone. And _what_ are those clothes?"

"Shut up. I need your car."

Lily's eyebrows creased. "Uh, you thought. I'm not scared of you anymore, Carly."

"Scared?"

Lily took a dangerous step towards me and it took everything in my power to not to wring my hands around her pretty little throat. "Schizophrenia isn't just about hearing voices, Carly. I interpret reality differently, because my brain isn't like yours. I might never be able to hold a job or live by myself, and you know why? Because sometimes I think the whole world is fucking against me and that people are trying to kill me. The whole irony of this whole situation? I'm scared of everything and everyone. Sometimes I hear voices that other people don't hear and it's fucking _terrifying_. Okay? Joke about it all you want but I thought maybe - _just maybe _- in a school full of crazies and psychos, maybe I wouldn't have to be scared anymore. God, maybe I'd just make everyone scared of me! But the world doesn't work like that, does it? Because then you fucking came along and you terrified me! Yes, Carly, _you_ terrified _me_."

I was having trouble breathing. I was having a lot of trouble breathing. The world was getting too small and too cold and Lillian Marie Grey was telling me she was terrified of me.

"But you - you never… you were just _so mean,__"_

She shrugged indifferently, her blue eyes brighter than ever. "Side effect of the meds my father ordered for me, probably. He's a psychiatrist you know."

"But then -"

"Why did my parents get divorced? If my mother's a therapist and my father's a psychiatrist, why didn't they run this hellhole together?" Lily reached a hook inside my mouth and pulled up the questions I had wanted to ask. "Because my mother is a very hard person to like, as you know. She struggled with depression growing up and she was always alone. Her parents never took her illness seriously and no one ever did. Except for my father. But even he couldn't fix the demons inside her head. So she decided she would fix everyone else's."

I couldn't stay and play story time with Lily all night. I needed to go. Time was running out and soon the nurse would notice I was gone.

I needed an escape.

"Lily, please, I'm sorry but I _need _your car -"

"No, Carly." Lily said firmly. "And I'm not trying to be mean. I'm…_worried_ about you. I think you're going to die if you keep this up."

_Oh my God, they__'__ve converted her too._

"Then come with me." Words flooded out of my mouth, like a tsunami erupting from my mouth. "Come with me, Lily. Let's get out of here."

Lily raised her eyebrow. "Pardon?"

And suddenly it just made perfect sense! Lily would come with me, bring her car and her cash - cause God knew I didn't have any - and we would run away somewhere else and burn this fucking palace to the ground after we had toured the world and kissed exotic boys and became pop stars or actors and made tons of money to go shopping in Paris and Rome and party in Barcelona.

I could feel my eyes shining and my hopes rising, and the world didn't seem so gray anymore. "We could get out of here! Get out of this hellhole and make something of ourselves and we wouldn't have to follow anyone's rules anymore. We wouldn't have to go the same stupid classes every day and -"

"Carly." Lily cut me off firmly, putting her sharp claws on my barely existent arms. "You can't do this anymore."

Time seemed to start slowing down or maybe that was me getting dizzy again. "Do what anymore?"

"You can't play pretend for the rest of your life. Someday, you're going to have to accept reality for what it is. I'm not Sam, Carly."

"_Well duh, you__'__re not me.__" _Sam's voice snarled from behind me.

The midnight sky was darker than ever and I wished I could just disappear into it, until I was silver star shining down on Earth. "I don't want you to be Sam, I just want -"

"To get out of here, I know. But Carly, it's not the voices that are making me do the wrong things anymore, it's _you_. You're lonely as hell and you think you do a good job at hiding it, but I can see right through you. You pushed away your family and Missy because they wanted you to move on from Sam. You sought solace in Freddie because he's the closest thing you have left of her. You want me to run away with you because I look just like her. Carly, I'm going to tell you the truth. You _have_ to let her go."

_If you love me, let me go_

I blinked and stopped shivering for a moment. "What?"

Lily frowned. "What do you mean?"

"Say that again." I asked her slowly.

"You have to let her go?"

Silence followed.

For a second, if just for a second, I could've sworn I heard Sam singing to me from Heaven.

For a second.

"Okay." I said softly. "Okay, you're right."

"Well, duh."

Well. _Some_ things about Lily Grey would never change.

"I'm going to go back inside the nurse's room." I told her. "I'll meet you back in the room later tonight, okay?"

For the first time since I'd met her that cold, dreary day in September, the corners of her lips danced into a genuine smile. The kind of smile that made her eyes twinkle and the small freckles on her face fit into place. "Okay."

I watched her turn around and walk back towards the gates of hell. Her blonde hair followed her like a curtain, and she turned one last time to look at me with sparkling blue eyes. She waved before disappearing inside the door.

I rolled my eyes and muttered, "Dumb bitch."

"_Are you ready, Carly?__"_ Sam asked, appearing before me. Maybe it was Boston, or maybe I was hallucinating, but her blonde hair had become darkened by winter into a dirty brown color. Her eyes had become dark pits.

"Let's get the fuck out of here."

* * *

><p>Down the street from New Horizons was a convenience store where Caitlin bought her chocolate stash.<p>

She had mentioned it to me the other day in Calculus when I saw her munching on a Kit-Kat's bar and immediately assumed she was lying.

But true to her word, there was a dingy little convenience store that I hobbled over to after my escape into the cold February night. I pushed through the doors, thankful for the heating system.

The cashier gave me a strange look as I came up to him. "May I use your phone?"

He shrugged. "What for?"

"I need to call a taxi."

The cashier looked to be college aged, with a little midnight scruff on his chin and dreary green eyes. His pale skin looked washed out in front of the miscellaneous packs of cigarettes behind him.

His small pink lips pursed. "To go where?"

"What's it to you?"

He shrugged again, his white tee shirt sagging on his scrawny shoulders. "I could give you a ride. I'm pretty much done with my shift."

My shoulders tensed and my insides clamped. My brain was screaming, _rapist alert! Rapist alert!_

Sam materialized next to me and gave him a brief once-over. "_Oh come, Carly-kins. What__'__s the worst this guy could do? Poke you? He__'__s probably as scrawny and weak as you are.__"_

Ouch.

"No, thank you." I told him firmly. "I would like to call a taxi."

He rolled his eyes. "Do you even know the number?"

The cons to no longer having a cell phone meant that since I relied so much on Google, I really didn't know anything.

The pros were at least no one could track me.

I bit my lip. "No."

"Then let me give you a ride, sweet cheeks. What's the worst that could happen?"

_The worst that could happen was I could die. You could ravish me and then kill me, like Mr. Harvey did to Susie. You could stab me repeatedly with your pentagram pendant, like Anna did to her best friend Elise._

My eyes begin to roam his neck for any traces of a pentagram pendant.

_What honestly is the worst thing about dying, anyways? Apparently you could just come right back and haunt the ones you professed to love. Was dying, in the end, really all that bad?_

It wasn't like anyone would've cared. They would've just wallowed up all their pain and projected it into hate, into new projects, into distance, into sending their little sister to boarding school. They would've been glad to get rid of me.

So I looked up and shrugged. "Why not?"

In the end, the worst thing that happened was that I willingly lost my virginity in the backseat of an old, beat-up Camry, while Don McLean mourned the day that music died.

* * *

><p>And then finally when the sky was pitch black and the stars were shining for me, I found myself on the same beach I escaped to the last time.<p>

It was probably dumb to go to the same place, where they could easily find me, but my time was running out.

If I was lucky, I would dead by morning.

It struck me late in the night, that I should've been scared. I should've been shaking my sweatpants and sweatshirts at the thought of being alone on a dark and scary beach by myself, without anyone to protect me.

Lately, the only thing I seemed scared of was Sam.

"_One second the bitch acts like she couldn__'__t give a flying rat__'__s ass if you__'__re getting better or not, and then the next second she__'__s telling you she understands it now and that you don__'__t have to be afraid of getting better.__" __Sam continued to complain about Madame Grey. __"__What__'__s her game?__"_

Game.

_I was good at games._

I remained silent while Sam droned on. "_Isn__'__t it illegal for her to force feed you anyways? This is some shit you could take to court, Carly.__"_

And maybe I was the one who was just beginning to understand it now.

"You're the one who took Government and Politics last year." I reminded her slowly, my eyes trained on her moving, perfect figure. "Is it illegal?"

Sam stopped pacing in the sand before me, her dark hair dancing like curtains behind her.

_Sam didn__'__t have dark hair. Not even in the wintertime._

"_I don__'__t know, Carly. I__'__m __dead__, remember?__"_

An itchy silence engulfed us for a minute before I finally found my inner balls and asked, "Then why are you here?"

Sam was standing in front of while I was sitting back, my pencil thin arms supporting my pencil thin body and legs extended before me.

She gave me a cold look, so cold it sent shivers down my decaying spine. _"__To help you, you baby cow.__"_

* * *

><p>"<em>I can<em>_'__t wait to see the baby cow__.__" __Ana sneered at me, crossing her arms over her chest._

"_Why are you always so mean to me?__" __I stood up off the bed. __"__I do __everything__ you say and yet you treat me like dirt!__"_

_Ana stared at me, the flicker of green in her eyes sparkling with curiosity. __"__Your point?__"_

"_My __point__ is that you don__'__t act like a friend even though you constantly tell me that you__'__re my only friend!__"_

"_Who do you think you are, Carly?__" __Ana asked me, standing up slowly. __"__You think just because you finally have someone fatter than you to make you feel better, you__'__re suddenly the shit? Well let me tell you something Carly-__"_

"_Carly?__" __Sam knocked on my door, coming in. _

_thanks for rescuing me._

* * *

><p>Sam rescued me.<p>

Sam _rescued _me_._

Sam RESCUED me.

I looked back up at the figure before me and whispered what I had probably known all this time, "You're not Sam."

"Sam"'s figure moved dangerously closer to mine and I understood why her hair and eyes had become so dark in this cold February winter. "_Excuse me?__"_

"You're not Sam, Ana." I told her as firmly as I could. "You're not Sam, and you're never going to be Sam."

If I expected Ana's transformation back to Ana to be spectacular or magical, I was grandly disappointed. All it took was the blink of my eyes for me to see things for how they really were again. It was like a veil had been lifted, a veil that had separated me and reality since September.

The sky was pitch black and the stars were shining for me, I found myself on the same beach I escaped to the last time but this time, a stick thin monster with tan skin, brown wavy hair and evil green eyes was smirking right before me.

"_I must say, Carly-kins_," Ana sung in absolute delight. _"__I really didn__'__t expect you to take so long. I should__'__ve figured you__'__d be so naive enough to believe your beloved best friend had come back from the fucking dead to haunt you.__"_

I should have _known_ it was never Sam. I should have known this wasn't some sort of dystopian society where magic prevailed and ghosts could come back from the dead. I should have known that Sam would _never_ have said half the things that flooded out of Ana's mouth on a daily basis.

I should have _known_ Sam would have _never _blamed me for her death.

"I'm going crazy." I muttered to myself, my eyes drifting in and out of focus. The dark sea was roaring wildly, the waves were splashing my face with salty water and the seaweed was covering my body like a sculpture.

I blinked. I was dry and Ana was winning.

"_You__'__re so stupid, Carly. You really thought you could beat me at my own game? Why the hell do you think they call it __'__anorexia__'__, huh? I invented the damn game, you can__'__t beat me!__"_ She roared and cackled in delight while I heaved in breath after breath but nothing seemed to satisfy my insatiable lungs. Sharp, _horrible, _burning, searing pains were flashing through my stomach and I wanted to throw up my cold, black heart. _"__You__'__re going to die, Carly. You__'__re going to go to sleep and you__'__re not going to wake up. You__'__re going to die and you__'__re going to be just another pawn piece I can knock off my chess board. I always win.__"_

I wanted to croak out, _not this time_, but I could barely speak. I tried curling my body to soften the hunger pains but Ana was right - nothing was going to save me now.

I thought I wanted to die. I thought I was ready to die because everything seemed so hopeless and the world seemed so gray. I thought my best friend had been holding me responsible for her death and I thought I was ready to be with her in Heaven.

But thinking you were ready to die and actually dying were two completely different things.

"_Go to sleep, Carly-kins.__"_ Ana smirked and crouched in front of me, patting my head softly. _"__Go to sleep.__"_

I didn't want to go to sleep anymore. I wanted nothing more in the world than to wake up and see the world for what it really was.

I even wanted that more than being with my best friend in the entire world and my mother.

_Be careful what you wish for._

"If you love me, let me go." I whispered dazily, as my eyes stopped fighting my body and the world turned from gray to black.

* * *

><p><strong>Just a quick question, did anyone see that twist coming? "Sam" being Ana? In a way, Dark Side of the Sun, Carly was kind of day dreaming about Sam, but in the end she woke up and saw things for how they really were.<strong>

**Next chapter is the last! Thanks for sticking along for the ride, guys. You're all the bomb dot com.**


	15. Goodbye

**Super sorry about the late update! But thank you very much to xemtlenc and The Dark Side of the Sun for their consistent and sweet reviews! This is one is for you :)**

* * *

><p><em>I<em>_'__ll reach out my hand to you_

_I__'__ll have faith, in all you do_

_Just call my name_

_And I__'__ll be there_

_Jackson 5 __**I**__**'**__**ll Be There**_

* * *

><p><em>Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep.<em>

"Is she conscious?"

"She's barely alive, much less conscious. Let's give her another day."

* * *

><p><em>Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep.<em>

"Her skin still looks really pale."

"Her skin has always been really pale."

"Yeah but even when she wasn't eating before, she wasn't - Carly? Can you hear me?"

* * *

><p><em>Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep.<em>

"I can't believe I didn't do something sooner, I'm such a fucking idiot. I will never forgive myself, Carly, I'm swear, I'm so sorry and - Are you awake?"

* * *

><p><em>Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep.<em>

"Doctor, it's been four days. I'm getting worried."

"I understand your frustration and praise you for your outstanding patience so far but we have to take this slowly. We've been injecting food into her system to keep her alive but whether or not she'll wake up is an entirely different -"

"Carly?"

* * *

><p><em>Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep.<em>

"I'm sorry for everything I said, Carly. I never meant it. I never should have blamed you for Sam's - for Sam's _death_. It wasn't fair of me but it wasn't fair of you to keep everything a secret, you know. All Freddie and I wanted to do was help but you two kept shutting us out of your play pretend world and kept hiding things, and what were we supposed to do? We should've done more. You should've done more. She should've done more. But it's over now - or at least I hope it's finally over. We can't stay stuck in the past and what we can't - Carly, are you there?"

* * *

><p>Six days after I went missing on February 19th, I finally woke up for good.<p>

My eyes hesitantly fluttered open, sunshine gleaming down in rays through the window, warming my skin that was beginning to feel a little less like ice. Outside, the sky was a pale blue and the clouds were moving in slow, steady paces across the universe. It was a beautiful day.

It was a beautiful day to be _alive_.

My older brother Spencer was hunched over in a chair next to me, his sleeping face fretful and perturbed. I wondered if he was having nightmares.

There was a _foul_ taste in my mouth and I tried to swallow, but I nearly hunched over the bed and threw up. I tried to cough out the rotten taste but nothing seemed to be working.

Spencer instantly woke up.

"Carly? You're awake! Oh my God, thank God - you're awake!"

He shot out of his chair and towards my bed at the speed of light, and I couldn't stop the smile from cracking over my face as his gangly arms wrapped my shoulders and his cheek pressed to mine.

"I'm awake." I croaked out, barely recognizing the sound of my voice.

"We're been worried _sick_ about you," Spencer explained, refusing to let me go. "You never called, you never wrote. Then Madame Grey called me five days ago, saying that you were found unconscious on a beach and that I should come right away so I bought the first plane tickets I could to Boston to see you but you wouldn't wake up, and I'm just so _happy_ you're alive, Carly. Don't _ever_ do that again. Please, Carly, you hear? Things will be better now, I promise. Just _promise_ me you'll never do that again."

I wanted to cry.

I wanted to wrap my weak arms around my older brother, who had dropped everything and paid an expensive flight to see his selfish sister, and tell him, _I promise I will never scare you like that again, I promise promise promise. _But I could barely speak, much less cry.

The pain on his face revealed to me the endless fretful nights he'd endured, tossing and turning, waiting for a phone call that would never come. There was the same amount of pain on his face that there was in my heart two months ago back in December when the boy I had fallen in love with told me the entire population of Seattle blamed me for Sam's death.

Maybe they were right to.

I was the one who knew her secret. I was the one who promised to keep it. I was the one who stood outside of a bathroom in the mall where she confessed her sins to the toilet while I kept guard. I was the one who never said a word.

But maybe they were wrong.

The day she came over to my house in Seattle after she had thrown up and I told her she had to stop because she was essentially dying right in front of me, she yelled at me and slammed the door in my face.

I didn't stick my finger down Sam's throat the night her esophagus ruptured because I never knew it could. I never knew angels like Sam _could_ die.

It was supposed to be a _game_. It was never supposed to get out of control. Skip a couple meals, lose a few pounds, burn 100 calories at the gym a few times a week or so. That was the game plan. I was _in control, _she was _in control._

But then the rules changed. Soon the rules turned into skipping or throwing up every other meal, lose five more pounds to fit into the skinny jeans from freshmen year, burn 250 calories at the gym every other day.

_Skip/throw up every meal, lose ten more pounds so your ribs and hip bones stick out like pieces of art, burn 350 calories at the gym everyday._

And as the rules changed, so did we.

All Sam ever wanted to be was happy. Happiness to her was Freddie, food, and friends. Happiness to her was eating ham, fried chicken, ice cream, chile, cheesecake, cheeseburgers, fries. Happiness to her was being skinny.

How could I evoke her right to be happy?

But I should have never kept her secret. I should have _never_ kept her secret in the first place.

I was done keeping dangerous secrets that threatened to pull my heart down into a dark, dark abyss and never come back up.

"I promise."

* * *

><p>"You awake?"<p>

I had my back turned to the door, resting comfortably in my cocoon of covers on the thin hospital bed.

I contemplated continuing to fake sleep.

"I heard you regained consciousness so I wanted to see you - but only if you wanted to see me."

_Of course I want to see you, Gibby. _

"I need to apologize for everything I said, Carly. I was an asshole - I was the worst asshole - because I tried to blame you for something that was out of your control."

_Control. That__'__s all I ever wanted. I had control. But then I lost it. Oh, please stop saying you__'__re sorry, Gibby. That, I really can__'__t control._

"Do you remember that time when we all went up to the lake house? It was you and me, Sam and Freddie. Sam convinced us all to go skinny dipping in the lake, and I was the first one to jump in."

He took a minute to recollect the memory, and chuckled a bit.

"Sam was the next one to jump in the freezing water. And finally you and Freddie jumped in, and everything seemed perfect. The water was cold but it was just like nothing could stop us. We were on top of the world because that's how it was meant to be."

I could hear the smile waning from his face as he continued, "I never wanted that night to end. I never wanted that trip to end. I never wanted _us _to end, you know? The Fantastic Four. The Core Four. Carly, Sam, Freddie, and Gibby. It was perfect. But I guess nothing perfect lasts."

_All I ever wanted to be was perfect._

"I'm sorry about what I said, Carly. I said it because I blamed myself but I couldn't handle it. It was easier to blame someone who already dealt with the guilt better than I could. You didn't deserve it. You deserve a lot of things, but you never deserved any of this. I'm so sorry. I hope one day you can forgive me."

Gibby stopped talking after awhile and just sat in silence, letting the sounds of the wind and birds outside play over the room like music. I breathed in and out, in and out, in and out, in and out, like a mantra.

He got up after awhile and gingerly put his hand on my shoulder. He whispered something I couldn't make out before he left for good.

_I forgive you. One day, I hope, you can forgive me for this too._

* * *

><p>A week later, I had my first visit with Madame Grey since the incident.<p>

We met outside in the sun, the beautiful March air dancing into my lungs. There was a plate of fruits in front of us and a glass of sparking water, just for me.

I hesitantly took a sip.

The bubbles filled quickly in my stomach and I felt embarrassingly gassy, but I took a deep breath until my stomach calmed down.

I wanted to smile.

"Carly, you've made remarkable progress while you've been here."

That time, I did smile because she didn't call me Miss. Shay. "Thank you, Madame."

"I truly mean it. We were all extremely worried when we found you on the beach almost two weeks ago, barely breathing, your heart beat devastatingly slow. It was a miracle Missy thought of the beach, on our search for you. If she didn't, I'm afraid you wouldn't be here right now."

Another person to add to my list of people I needed to apologize to.

"She was here, wasn't she?" I asked. "I think she was trying to apologize. But she shouldn't have. It is I who should apologize."

Madame Grey looked at me carefully, as if studying the parts of my brain she wanted to pick. "And maybe I should too, Carly. When you first arrived to New Horizons, you thought I harbored feelings of dislike towards you. But in fact, it was the opposite."

I raised my eyebrow.

"You remind me of my younger self, Carly. You had such bright dreams and such a bright future. You were so talented and smart. But it's that same drive to be perfect that connects us. Some people say being a perfectionist is a good thing - but in many cases it's dangerous."

I tried to let it all sink in. Madame Grey was trying to tell me that this entire time she basically admired me, when I thought she couldn't stand the sight of me.

Go figure.

"But we're not here to talk about me." She said, picking up her glass of tea and taking a sip. "There's something you said during our last meeting that I wanted to talk to you about. When I told you that I was beginning to understand, you shouted -"

_- __"__Why do you all keep saying that?__" __I bursted out, suddenly jumping up from my seat. Bad mistake - Madame Grey saw you loll your head backwards because of how dizzy you got. __"__You don__'__t understand - you couldn__'__t possibly understand!__"_

"_Understand what, Carly?__"_

"_Her!__" __I shouted out. Hot, prickly tears clouded my eyes and my stomach just hurt so fucking bad, like it was being stabbed with needles and razors. Like I was dying. __"__You don__'__t get it! I wanted to be better, I was better but then -_

"- What did you mean, _her_?"

It felt surreal.

Two years ago, Ana had come to me in the middle of the night, promising to fix all of my brokenness. She came to me in the middle of the night with a condition - never say a word.

My body became a safe - for all my secrets and lies. They piled up on top of each other until I was barely made of skin and bone anymore but lies and deceit.

Last year, when Sam died, I wanted to throw away the key but I was afraid - I was so terrified - once I had revealed all my secrets, there wouldn't be anything left of me anymore.

And since then, it'd been secret after secret, lie after lie, pretend after pretend, until my very soul felt trapped inside the safe, pleading desperately with me to get out.

It felt surreal as I opened up my mouth and said, "Ana's going to kill me, but I'm ready now."

* * *

><p>PATIENT RELEASE AUTHORIZATION FORM<p>

Patient legal name: Carly Shay.

Patient ID: 56 - 100993

Consulting Psychiatrist: Dr. Nolan Good

Consulting Physician: Dr. Jennifer Cusack

Intake Date: February 20th

Current Date: March 14th

General Notes:

Miss. Shay has shown remarkable improvement in the three weeks she has been treated in the hospital. After Miss. Shay talked to her current therapist, Vivian Grey, and revealed her trauma, she began to receive treatment for severe depression and post traumatic stress disorder.

Miss. Shay claimed before she was first hospitalized for anorexia, she had been seeing, "Ana": a figure of her imagination who had taken real form in the eyes of Miss. Shay, to discipline her if she binged, ate properly, or didn't exercise enough. After speaking intensively with Miss. Shay, it is suspected "Ana" had filled the void of her deceased mother, as a guiding figure to encourage her to be her best she could be.

Miss. Shay's best friend, Samantha Puckett, fell victim to bulimia and died last year, causing significant trauma for Miss. Shay, as she had knowledge of the victim's eating disorder. During her time at New Horizons, Miss. Shay claimed that she had begun to see the ghost of her deceased best friend, an "Ana" replacement. Her vision was more intense and bitter than Miss. Puckett ever was, but Miss. Shay didn't recognize her warped version of reality until that nearly fateful night on the beach, February 19th.

Again, Miss. Shay has made remarkable improvement since being checked in. She is able to eat without regurgitating, she takes walks for fresh air with the other patients, she participates in group therapy sessions, she speaks openly with her brother again, and she has proved very helpful around the kitchen where she offers to help clean up after the staff.

It is a curious thing that she has made such recovery in a short period of time, but we are hoping the best for Miss. Shay in her ongoing treatment at New Horizons after her release.

Signature

_Dr. Nolan Good_

APPROVED or REJECTED

* * *

><p>"So, kiddo, I guess this is goodbye."<p>

My heart seized up and my vision began to scatter around the airport, to look anywhere but Spencer's eyes. "Please don't say that."

"Pardon?"

"Goodbye," My skin suddenly felt itchy, like it had become an old childhood blanket I had outgrown. "I've said too many goodbyes already."

A soft look crossed over Spencer's face as he set his luggage down and reached out to give me a hug. "How about, see you later? I'll see you in June?"

I smiled into his shoulders, not realizing how much I had _missed_ my brother's hugs and his overall being. I didn't want to let him go, not even for a second.

But I wasn't really letting him go as we pulled back from each other. "I can deal with that. But you're sure you can't stay another week?"

He chuckled lightly, avoiding looking out the window where his JetBlue plane was calling for him. "I tried, I really did. But surprisingly, someone wants to meet with me about putting a new piece I've been working on."

"A new piece?" I raised my eyebrow and a smile lit over my face. "You never told me about a new piece. Sculpture?"

"No, actually," Spencer told me, scratching the back of his neck nervously. "A painting."

"What's it of?"

"Why don't I show it to you?" He pulled out his PearPhone and opened his Photos app, handing the phone to me.

Despite it's small size, I could see the painting clearly. The smile on my face slowly began to crack as I realized what it was.

There were two girls; one blonde and one brunette, one with sparkling blue eyes and one with dark, secretive brown eyes. The brunette had her arm slung around the blonde's shoulders and they were both smiling as if they had a secret no one else knew. There was absolute joy in the their faces, as if they'd never been happier in their entire lives. There was a burnt orange sunset behind them, the brightest of the orange shining down on the two.

It almost seemed like forever existed.

"Do you not like it?" Spencer asked carefully. His voice sounded far away.

"No," I said hollowly, unable to tear my eyes away from the beauty. "I love it. I truly do. It's beautiful, Spence."

"Thanks, sis. I haven't been able to come up with a name for it yet -" Spencer admitted.

"Her Name Was Sam," I said, finally able to blink and come back to reality. "It's fitting."

Spencer was quiet for a moment. "You think so?"

I nodded slowly, giving him his phone back. "Sam would love it, Spence. She really would."

* * *

><p>I returned back to New Horizons three nights after Dr. Good filed my recommended release form.<p>

I was expecting to return to the somber stone manor, dark and gray all over, the yellow lights illuminating the building under the night sky, and find it empty.

I wasn't expecting all the girls who attended New Horizons to be standing outside in the courtyard, with signs and posters reading, "Welcome Home, Carly!"

_Home._

It was a funny word.

But I couldn't help the smile that crept across my face as I turned to exchange a look with Madame Grey. "This is all for me? But why? I'm nobody important here."

"Well. You were the first person to ever go missing - _twice_ - in one year. You were the first famous internet star to attend here. And you were the first person to befriend my daughter, while making a significant impact in her life." Madame Grey said the last part, with a tiny smirk. "You might not have revolutionized the school, Carly, but you played in part in bringing the girls together to form a sense of unity while they're here. And that's all I ever wanted."

I saw what she meant when my eyes fell upon two girls standing front and center, a blonde and a redhead - _smiling at each other - _and holding a single sign that read,

"_We love you, Carly!__"_

I chuckled softly. "Better be careful of things that go bump in the night."

And for the first time in my life, I saw Madame Grey lean her head back and let loose an airy laugh, as she comprehended the reference from our very first meeting as we walked towards the manor so many months before.

I smiled a little bit bigger this time as I walked with joy, instead of dread, towards the manor and the girls I had become fond of, and thought, _"__Maybe this won__'__t be so bad.__"_

* * *

><p>I already knew I wouldn't be graduating with my friends that year so it didn't really come as a surprise when Madame Grey told me the bad news. It still packed a punch, though. After weeks of good news and better news and okay news, this had to be the first bad news I'd gotten in awhile and even I was afraid I'd think of relapsing.<p>

I had skipped too many classes and sessions to receive enough credit to be considered for the graduating year. Even if I had attended make-up classes, they wouldn't be submitted in time to be considered.

Lillian Grey was graduating that year. Despite all our skipped chemistry classes, she had managed to pull a complete 180 in the months of February and March to make-up enough credit to _barely_ pass that year.

She complained about it to me a week after my return at lunch. "I don't know what I'm supposed to do now! My father in Albuquerque said there's an opening at this pizza restaurant near his condo that I could apply for, but I'd have to deal with _people_! Everyday!"

I laughed a little as I scooped up some strawberry yogurt and let the creamy liquid slide into my mouth. "I bet you'd do fine. Once you make enough money from tips, you could ditch the whole job thing and fly to Barcelona and visit Danny Santiago."

"Oh we already broke up." Lily said dismissively. "I caught him trying to talk to Sarah Connors so I broke up with him before he could cheat on me."

I had come to learn that Lily wasn't really a bitch. She was never really a bitch. She just interpreted reality differently than I did and her brain didn't process things the way mine could. While my brain would've interpreted my boyfriend talking to another girl as normal, or common even, Lily might have thought he was preparing to cheat on her or maybe he was trash talking her behind her back or maybe he was planning to leave her and screw her over. Lily might have experienced extreme bouts of anxiety and paranoia that she just decided wasn't worth her time, so she broke up with him.

I understood it now.

"You did the right thing." I told her sincerely.

"Well, duh."

And then again, _some_ things about Lily Grey would never change.

Missy Robinson was all set to graduate that year but she wouldn't be returning to Florida - instead, she'd be taking her mathematically driven brain to study economics at Boston University.

"I love the area around here, and I can't take enough change in one year." Missy explained to me as we painted our toenails - mine were no longer rotting corpses dangling off of my feet - in our dorm room. "Besides, BU has a good economics and mathematics program I've heard."

"And you're close to here, so I can harass you whenever I want." I said with a teasing smile.

Missy laughed in return. "You'd bet I'm coming back to visit whenever I can. Lily even said that she'd come back sometime for December break to visit her mother and I said that you, me, and Carly could all go out for a spa's day when we got the chance."

I frowned, the smile still plastered on my face. "I still find it hard to believe you guys are _friends_ now."

Missy shrugged. "We came to a mutual understanding, I guess. I think you helped me realize that she's not the wicked bitch of the west, most of us had come to believe she was. Once I tried understanding her, things improved between us, I'd say."

The image of her and Lily standing side by side on the night I returned surfaced back on my mind. "That really makes me happy."

Ally Grande and Caitlin Gillies were graduating too.

"I think I want to be a psychiatrist." Caitlin professed to me during Humanities. "Just like Madame Grey. She's really inspired me this year."

I couldn't tell if she was lying or not.

"But then I think I want to go back home to Georgia and be with my family again. I can always think about my future later down the road."

"That sounds pleasant." I told her sincerely.

"But what if I want to become a doctor? Or become a travel nurse? So I can save children all over the world?"

"You'd be great at that! Except, didn't you faint at the sight of Ally's blood when she got that paper cut last week?"

"_Oh my God, _I'm probably just going to end up working at a McDonalds' for the rest of my life! You know what - I'll probably just move to Albuquerque with Lily and work at that pizza shop too."

That was _definitely_ a lie.

"You can do anything you want, Kate." I told her. "I believe in you."

She smiled at me. "Thanks, Carly. That really means a lot."

Ally and I sat on the courtyard bench later that day, discussing the pros and cons of her reconnecting with her former flame, Raphael.

"I mean - you have no affiliation with him so I wouldn't have to worry about him still being in love with you." Ally said casually as she munched on an apple.

I frowned through my sunglasses and looked at her. "Excuse me?"

Ally rolled her eyes. "I'm not that dense, Carly. I could tell Gibby was still in love with you every time he asked how you were doing when we talked. Why didn't you ever tell me you two were a thing?"

"I don't know." I said honestly. "I think I wanted to do something right for once. I didn't think I deserved him because of everything that had happened between us and between our friends, and I thought maybe I was doing him a favor."

Ally was quiet for a moment. "I see. Could've saved us both a lot of heartbreak if you had just told me, though."

"Speaking of heartbreak, didn't you hear Kristina and Sarah Connors were hooking up?"

"And then Kristina dumped her for Christian Holmes, over at the boy's dorm? Yeah, what the _hell_?"

Freddie Benson was graduating that year, too, but he was heading back to Seattle for the summer. He had applied to MIT earlier in the semester and was still waiting to hear back. Somewhere deep inside my still thawing heart, I was worried that MIT wasn't too fond of spending one's senior year in a mental health boarding school.

He was sitting in the same spot I had encountered him back in February, when I accused him of conspiring with Missy to send me down the dark, scary path to recovery.

"Mind if I sit?" I asked.

He nodded. "How are you?"

I contemplate my answer for a moment. "Right now? I'm actually pretty sad."

"I was thinking about her too."

"It's going to be the anniversary soon, you know." I told him as if he needed a reminder. "I don't know how I'm going to handle it."

"Sometimes whenever I go to use the bathroom, I see her dead body sprawled out on the floor by the toilet." Freddie admitted, not looking me in the eye. "And then I start to cry because I couldn't save her. And I cry because everything that we worked so hard for is gone. iCarly. Me and Sam. Me and you."

"It's never going to be the same." I whispered hollowly.

"No. It won't be." He sighed. "Have you spoken to Gibby?"

I contemplated lying, but I was pretty sure Freddie already knew the truth. I still found myself reluctant to say the word, "No."

"It's hard when his life is out there and ours is here." Freddie said thoughtfully, as if that were the reason Gibby and I no longer had anything to say to each other.

I'd seen him on SplashFace from time to time and he seemed to be doing well enough. He hadn't reached out to me after I was released from the hospital, which wasn't surprising since I hadn't reached out to him. _I guess nothing perfect lasts._

"We'll be back soon enough."

"Not for good," Freddie admitted. "And even then, things are going to be so different."

A different, more pleasant, thought crossed my mind. "I spoke to Spencer actually a couple weeks ago, and do you know what he told me?"

"No."

"He and Angie broke up about a month ago."

"And?"

"You knew this?"

"Yeah. He told me himself. You just found this out?"

"Well…yeah."

I had been a horrible sister. I let anorexia consume me while starving to death and pushing away the only family member I really had left. Of course Spencer needed Angie - he probably just needed _someone_.

* * *

><p><em>Ring, ring.<em>

"_Hey, little sister.__"_

"_Hi, Spence. What__'__s up?__" __I asked, doodling on my chemistry homework instead of drawing multiple Bohr models like I was supposed to._

"_Making spaghetti tacos. Remember those?__"_

_I snorted as the memory of spitting those noodles out into napkins on my lap surfaced into mind. __"__Vividly. Sam used to love them.__"_

_It still hurt to use her name and past tense in the same sentence, but Madame Grey said the more I practiced it, the more I would begin to accept it._

_I didn__'__t want to accept it. I never wanted to ever have to accept. But I did want to be able to say her name again._

_Spencer was silent for a moment. __"__Yeah. She sure did. It__'__s so quiet around here nowadays.__"_

"_Quiet? I__'__m surprised Angie isn__'__t buzzing around with wedding plans.__"_

_This time, Spencer was quiet for a longer period of time._

"_I__'__m sorry, that was mean. Madame Grey and Doctor Good think I should try and be more accepting towards Angie and confront her with my problem about her -__"_

"_You don__'__t have to worry about Angie anymore, Carls.__" __Spencer said finally. __"__She and I called off the engagement about a month ago.__"_

_This time, I was the quiet one. __"__Pardon?__"_

"_It wasn__'__t working out. Or, I wasn__'__t trying anymore, I guess. Angie wanted to rebuild our life - one that wasn__'__t filled with scars and emotional trauma. She had a vision of her life that she wanted to and mine isn__'__t the same.__"_

_Something had seemed off about Spencer when he was in Boston visiting me in the hospital. I had assumed that Angie wasn__'__t with him because there were more important things in Seattle, like her art and her designs to ruin my life, but I never felt like asking, simply because it was nice not to have her presence infiltrating my life._

_Now I knew why._

_I wasn__'__t exactly sure how to respond so I tried my best to come up with an apologetic reply. __"__Thank God.__"_

_Spencer chuckled. __"__I__'__m sorry you didn__'__t like her, kiddo, but she was really special. She didn__'__t judge me for my wackiness or my love for art. She never complained about me not having a job or friends my age, besides Socko. And she was funny and ambitious and charming, I don__'__t know. She was a shining star. She just seemed like the one.__"_

"_Well, shit, Spencer - if you really do love her, then you should fight for her. No matter what I think.__" __I told him, hoping my voice didn__'__t betray the gnawing pain in my heart._

"_I might love her, but I__'__m not in love with her anymore. There are certain parts of my life she wants to forget but I need to hold onto, including you. She__'__s a good friend, but not a good wife.__"_

_I frowned. The brother I had left behind in Seattle had the mindset of a twelve year old, barely capable of expressing romantic feelings for someone and in the midst of nine months he turned into a sage?_

* * *

><p>And Gibby was attending community college for a culinary degree, Principal Franklin was retiring, Mrs. Briggs and Mr. Howard were getting married, rumors were flying that Wendy was engaged to a naval officer, T-Bo was selling the Groovy Smoothies to pursue his dream of owning his own restaurant, and Mrs. Benson stopped harassing Freddie when he came home for tick baths.<p>

_Had the whole world gone mad?_

"I don't even think I'll recognize Seattle when we're back."

Freddie almost scoffed. "Of course you will. It's home."

I frowned and looked away as I said, "I don't really know about that anymore."

* * *

><p>I would still get scared to eat sometimes.<p>

Even though it was the end of May and a little over two months had passed since that night on the beach, sometimes I'd still find myself counting calories and bouncing my legs up and down for a quick exercise.

Sometimes I'd be at lunch, in between Missy and Lily, and all I'd want is to get up and throw my food away and go for a job outside.

But I had a new mantra.

_I don__'__t need control._

_Control is tough._

_I am beautiful and I am enough._

And I'd repeat it to myself a few times before trying to eat again. Sometimes it worked, most of the time it didn't. Eating still felt like a battle I needed to fight in, a game I needed to win. Sometimes I still heard her devilish voice whispering sweetly in my ear, _"__Oh come on, Carly-kins, do you really need that?_" and sometimes I really wanted to stuff my dinner plate down into the trash.

But I could say proudly that for almost two months, I hadn't once starved myself or lied.

* * *

><p>It was a cool and starry night when I had to say goodbye.<p>

An endless dark sky stretched before me, illuminated by tiny silver stars. A swift breeze danced on my skin as I sat down on the stone bench in front of the manor.

"So," I whispered into the night. "This is how it ends."

Silence draped over me like an itchy blanket. I desperately wanted Sam to be there in front of me, in all her glory. With bright blonde hair falling down her back, shining blue eyes lighting up in front of me - I just wanted _her_ there.

"This is how we say goodbye, isn't it?" I asked, not expecting a response this time. "We don't really get to say goodbye, don't we?"

My voice quivered at the last part. The jolts of pain were already starting to circulate around my heart. Hot, prickly, tears burned my eyes.

"It wasn't supposed to be this way, you know. It was just a fucking game, that's all it was ever supposed to be. Lose a couple pounds, fit into a smaller size pair of jeans. Skip a meal or two. I never wanted to lose you. I never thought I could."

"_Hey, I__'__m Sam.__"_ _A tall, blonde girl, who had came up to me, said. She was wearing blue jeans and a mustard colored shirt under a brown and white striped tee shirt. I wondered if her mom had dressed her._

"_Hi, I__'__m Carly.__" __I replied back to her, looking back at my turkey and cheese sandwich that my mom had packed me for lunch._

"_Can I have that sandwich?__" __She asked._

"_No way! Get your own.__" __I told her, in utter shock someone would try to take away my lunch. _

_The blonde girl took my sandwich out of my hands and roughly shoved me out of my seat on the blue pattered benched table I was sitting at. I let out a furious __"__ow!__" __as I hit the ground._

_When I had gotten to my senses, I had picked myself up and shoved her back with even more force, after grabbing back my sandwich. I couldn__'__t believe that girl, I thought as I brought my turkey and cheese sandwich back to my mouth._

_This is a really good sandwich and that was a really good shove, I thought, as I chomped and chomped._

"_You__'__re all right.__" __Sam told me, sitting down at the bench right beside me._

"I mean, it was always supposed to be Carly and Sam forever, right? You and I, taking over the world, one iCarly episode at a time. I don't know why I ever thought I could do it without you." I said, roughly wiping away a loose tear on my cheek. "I could barley do it without you when I still had you."

"_I mean it! Both of you get back inside, right now!__" __Freddie ordered, like he had control over things._

_Sam turned to me, with a fierce look in her eyes and anger laced in her voice. __"__I__'__m not going back in unless Carly goes first!__"_

_Wind was shooting through our hair and the platform was getting less stable, second by second. We were clutching the railings for dear life but both of us refused to let go. _

"_Well I__'__m not going back in until Dave and I shoot what we need for our video.__" __I snapped back at her, ignoring all the hair guarding my face. __"__No matter how messy this wind makes my hair.__"_

_At least that way, I didn__'__t have to look down._

"_Carly, it__'__s not worth it. And you guys are friends, you shouldn__'__t be fighting!__" __Dave shouted at us, as if he had credibility to speak on the subject._

"_Yeah!__" __Fleck repeated, looking at us like we were both idiots for risking our lives on a dangerous platform just to prove a point. __"__Friends shouldn__'__t fight.__"_

_Dave turned to him, with an exasperated look in his eye. __"__I __just__ said that!__"_

_Fleck turned to him, with a look of disbelief. __"__Well, I __thought_ _it before you said it!__"_

"_Liar!__" __Dave accused him, setting off a tennis match of insults between the two._

_Freddie had stepped back from the fight, watching them with an annoyed look etched all over his face. In a split second decision, he put his two index fingers inside his mouth and gave the boys wet willy__'__s._

_Sam and I barely noticed. The wind was getting stronger by the second and the platform was shaking back and forth with more force._

"_Oh. Man, it__'__s really windy out here.__" __I said, mainly to myself as we struggled to keep holding on._

_The wind kept pushing us back and forth and as if by fate, Sam__'__s hand flew to the controller, where she accidentally pressed the button to lower us down._

"_Oh my God, we__'__re moving!__" __I screeched, pure terror flowing through my veins._

"_And that__'__s my fault?__" __Sam asked incredulously, her voice steady and even despite the fact that the platform was getting farther away from help - I meant, Freddie and the boys._

"_You hit the button thingy!__" __I shouted, pointing back to the controller._

"_Oh man, why did I hit the button thingy!__" __Sam shouted back at me, as if I knew. At least, I saw some terror, identical to mine, in her eyes._

"_Make it stop!__" __I begged her, trying so hard not to look down._

"_How?__"_

"_Uhh, hit that - hit the red one!__" __I ordered, almost pushing past her to get to the controller. _

"_Okay!__" __She said, immediately clamping down on the red button. Instantly, we stopped, but we were a lot higher up than I had anticipated._

"_You guys okay?__" __Freddie yelled down to us._

"_I think so,__" __Sam shouted back up to him._

"_But how are we going to -__" __I started to ask before my heart almost stopped beating forever. In that split second, the platform broke loose from whatever had been keeping it stable and tilted to the side. The wind flung me down, nearly plummeting me to my death._

_I screamed for dear life. I screamed for my mother, as I clutched whatever I could to keep from sky rocketing to the ground. If I even so much released tension in one of my fingers, I would__'__ve rushed to the ground and become a Carly sized pancake in the middle of the road._

_The boys up above were shouting my name but all I could hear was Sam screaming, __"__Carly! Don__'__t let go!__"_

_Still slightly mad at her, still very afraid for our lives, still really wishing I had never come onto the stupid platform in the first place, I shouted back, __"__Why on Earth would I let go?__"_

_All I could remember after that was that I kept screaming that I was going to fall._

"_I__'__m going to fall!__" __I shrieked up to the heavens. __"__I__'__m going to fall!__"_

"_You__'__re not going to fall!__" __Sam shouted back._

_My fingers were getting sweaty. Tears were forming in my heart. __"__Yes I am! I__'__m slipping!__"_

_Please fucking save me, please come and help me._

"_Don__'__t slip!__" __Sam told me._

"_I__'__m not slipping by choice!__" __I screamed back, too terrified to be mad anymore._

"_Hang on, I__'__m coming to get you!__" __I thought I heard Sam say. I was almost blacking out with fear._

"_Sam, be careful!__" __A nurturing voice called from up above. Mommy? Mommy, are you there?_

"_Thanks for the tip!__" __Sam yelled back in a voice she would only ever reserve for Freddie._

_Sam said something to me but I couldn__'__t hear her. My fingers were getting slippery and my body was weighing me down. For the first time in my life, I became aware of how much I actually weighed and not the image that reflected back to me in the mirror._

_I became hyper aware of the platform shaking even more, as a figure started slide down towards me. Was she actually coming to get me?_

"_Carly, don__'__t let go!__" __My dear, sweet, idiotic brother called down to me._

_When did he get there? How long had I been out of it?_

"_Yeah, we__'__re pretty much on the same page!__" __I tried to scream without my voice quivering._

_Just then, I saw Sam inches above me. I whimpered her name._

_She told me to grab her hand._

"_I__'__m scared!__" __I called back to her, trying to control the violent thumping of my heart in my stomach._

"_Me too!__" __She screamed. __"__Just grab it!__"_

_In a split second decision, I knew I didn__'__t trust anyone more than Sam with my life (Except maybe an ambulance or firefighters or police officers or people specifically trained to deal with this kind of scenario, who I__'__d wished had been called). I used whatever strength I had left to reach back and throw my hand up into Sam__'__s, connecting us once again._

"_Sam, you__'__re not strong enough to pull her up!__" __Spencer shouted._

"_Really?__" __Sam yelled back, a fierceness and toughness in her voice that I knew outmatched any police officer who would have been down below. With loud screams and groans, she began to pull and pull until the ground was becoming farther and farther away from me. I began to breathe again when my back connected with the cold, hard sliver platform._

_Once I was back on the platform, she linked her arm around my stomach, pushing us both back towards the middle where we were safe for a moment. Spencer shouted something and Sam replied back, but I was too concentrated on the pounding sound of blood rushing through my eardrums to hear anything._

_That__'__s when the rope hit Sam__'__s head and she almost went colliding head first into the ground._

"You were lucky that time," I said. "To have escaped death. I guess I always thought you would do it again."

I was quiet for another moment. "You know, Sam, I tried. I tried to save us, but I didn't try hard enough. I wanted to get help, at one point I knew we were self-destructing. But it was supposed to be a game."

I couldn't hold back the tears anymore as years of love and laughter filled my memories and my heart broke even more. "I was never supposed to _lose._ And out of everything I had to lose, why did it have to be you? Why couldn't it have been me?"

I was beginning to cry the really ugly kind of crying - the kind where snot builds up in your nose and it starts running down to your upper lip, the kind where sobs burst out of you like you've suddenly forgotten how to breathe. "I'm so sorry, Sam, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry for everything we've lost, in the end, because you never really do win, do you? Even though I made it out alive, I still lost. I lost Gibby. I lost Freddie. I lost Spencer. And I lost you. Nothing will ever be the same and it's all my fault."

I took a deep breath and practiced my breathing exercises Dr. Nolan taught me for when things got really bad.

_Inhale and think of something you regret the most._

I regretted telling Ally Gibby didn't have a girlfriend. I regretted ruining whatever relationship we could have truly had. I regretted trying to play Superman and spare someone's feelings.

_Now, exhale and release what ever is haunting you._

I released every regret I have towards Gibby Gibson. I released the memory of that fateful Christmas day when he bitterly spat into the phone, "Because it _is._ You killed S-"

I released every emotion I had ever felt towards him.

_Inhale and think of something you wished you could change._

I wished I could change Spencer's happiness. I wished he could just be happy with me and art and Seattle forever. I wished he'd never found Angie and fallen in love with her and had his heart broken by her because of me.

_Now, exhale and release everything that you can__'__t control. Release the blame you hold on yourself and move on._

I couldn't control what made Spencer happy. Whether that be in someone else or somewhere else, Spencer needed to grow. He needed to find something better than our Bushwell Plaza apartment and something permanent. And I couldn't keep him from it.

_Inhale and think of something you__'__re happy about._

Freddie was speaking to me again. Freddie could look me in the eye again like we were fifteen and we were the best of friends. Freddie didn't see the ghost of Sam lying dead on his bathroom floor anymore when he looked at me.

In platonic words, Freddie loved me again.

_Exhale and keep that happiness in you. Because this part, is the hardest part. Inhale and think of Sam or your mother - and tell them goodbye._

My face crumpled, like it did when I was a baby and mommy and daddy were screaming at each other. Tears were freely flowing from my eyes and I was barely able to see the stars shining for me up above. Pain criss-crossed around my heart.

It felt like the end of the world.

"I'm sorry, Sam. I love you. I miss you every day. I wish you were here so bad." I said and tried to take a deep breath. "Please forgive me. I need you so much more than you'll ever know. If you let me know that you're still here with me somehow, I'll shine for you."

An endless dark sky stretched before me, illuminated by tiny silver stars. A swift breeze danced on my skin as I sat on the stone bench in front of the manor, tears falling carelessly down my cheeks.

It was a dark and beautiful night when I finally said goodbye.

* * *

><p><strong>For a long time, I really debated how I was going to end this. In the end, I<strong>**'****m satisfied with this. Sorry that it****'****s so long! I didn't feel that it could be split up into two chapters. It****'****s so weird that it****'****s over :(. Thank you all for sticking by and reading this until the end. **

**Here****'****s to those who are super happy the iCarly cast remains friends today and hopes for a TV reunion in the future.**


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